And 'time heals what reason cannot.'
I believe this. There was a time when I counted the days, then the weeks, and then months. Today I had to stop and count it because it has escaped me and for that I'm thankful.
It's been a year and five months today that he passed.
As I get older, the memories from when I was a child get more distant and blurry.. That's how the memories are with him. Maybe that's my mind or hearts way of being able to keep moving. I can see them, but it's like it's a video of someone else's life being played out in front of me. Somedays I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I didn't think I'd be able to think of him this soon and not break down.
'Time is the best counselor of them all..'
There's some that told me that time would heal, and others told me that time wouldn't. Time has and I've been able to keep moving. I can have memories of him and watch them pass me by and still keep on moving.
I started this blog so I could see how life has changed and I'm glad I did. Although there's so much raw emotion in most of them it's hard to go back and read but I know I have come a long ways and life has gotten a lot better as the days go by.
'Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...'
For awhile I wanted my life back to normal.. well it is. It may not be the normal I had with him, but it's become MY normal and for that, again, I'm thankful. =]
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I Survived!
The only thing that keeps going through my mind is the sense of relief that I feel. Part of me hurts that I feel this way. That a year later I can just breathe, I have made it. I have survived many of the firsts without the love of my life, without the boy that still holds this huge part of my heart. It hurts because I know I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay and live my life without him. That one day I will fall in love, and I will marry again and I will find that person that I belong with. I have no doubt about that.
It may take awhile to find someone who can deal with my passion for racing, that will put up with my attitude and all my animals, but I know he's out there somewhere and that makes me very happy.
On May 27th last year I was being asked how many burial plots I needed. That is when it hit me. Life is a lot shorter than anyone really imagines. At 22 years old I had a burial plot next to my 23 year old husband, next to the boy that I have loved since I was 15.. I don't think anything in my life has scared me more than that.
In a year I have found out who I am and that in itself is amazing. I didn't realize just how lost I was until the past few weeks. I can look back and see how far I have come and with whose help I have had to come this far.
At one point in my life I had a house, a husband, my own daycare and I loved it. I was content, then my life was ripped apart by drugs. I have never touched drugs in my life, so I never understood the hold it has on people. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it, how we had everything one moment and lost it all the next. Everytime we'd get three steps ahead, he'd pull us five steps back. We could never keep stability in our lives. He could never stay away from it. There were many times when I thought I wasn't good enough for him, that he didn't love me enough to step away from it and keep our marriage from falling apart. That's something I'll always wonder.
I will always have questions and I still have regrets, but if I've learned anything in the past year it's that I have to close this chapter of my life and keep moving to the next. He'll always be in my heart and he will always be my first love but I know he wouldn't want me to keep holding onto him that I can't move on with my own life.
I can't say it enough, thanks to those of you that have stood by me through all the ups and downs, all my crazy emotional times. You have been the rock that I have needed and I'll never be able to tell you all how much I appreciate it. I have lost a lot of family and a few people I considered friends since he died, but I have gained so much more. I hope every single one of you know that I will always be here for you anytime you need me.
I love you all so much. I completely believe that all my best days are ahead of me and I can't wait to share every bit of it with you. =]
It may take awhile to find someone who can deal with my passion for racing, that will put up with my attitude and all my animals, but I know he's out there somewhere and that makes me very happy.
On May 27th last year I was being asked how many burial plots I needed. That is when it hit me. Life is a lot shorter than anyone really imagines. At 22 years old I had a burial plot next to my 23 year old husband, next to the boy that I have loved since I was 15.. I don't think anything in my life has scared me more than that.
In a year I have found out who I am and that in itself is amazing. I didn't realize just how lost I was until the past few weeks. I can look back and see how far I have come and with whose help I have had to come this far.
At one point in my life I had a house, a husband, my own daycare and I loved it. I was content, then my life was ripped apart by drugs. I have never touched drugs in my life, so I never understood the hold it has on people. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it, how we had everything one moment and lost it all the next. Everytime we'd get three steps ahead, he'd pull us five steps back. We could never keep stability in our lives. He could never stay away from it. There were many times when I thought I wasn't good enough for him, that he didn't love me enough to step away from it and keep our marriage from falling apart. That's something I'll always wonder.
I will always have questions and I still have regrets, but if I've learned anything in the past year it's that I have to close this chapter of my life and keep moving to the next. He'll always be in my heart and he will always be my first love but I know he wouldn't want me to keep holding onto him that I can't move on with my own life.
I can't say it enough, thanks to those of you that have stood by me through all the ups and downs, all my crazy emotional times. You have been the rock that I have needed and I'll never be able to tell you all how much I appreciate it. I have lost a lot of family and a few people I considered friends since he died, but I have gained so much more. I hope every single one of you know that I will always be here for you anytime you need me.
I love you all so much. I completely believe that all my best days are ahead of me and I can't wait to share every bit of it with you. =]
Sunday, January 31, 2010
What I Love...
I love the colors pink and purple. I love fireflies and butterflies. I love hearts and glitter. I love looking at the stars on beautiful nights. I love country music and all the sweet things in life. I love listening to songs about love and happily ever afters. I love children and the funny things they have to say. I love watching them grow up and getting to watch them explore new things in life. I love all animals and wish I could take care of them all. I love camping with family and friends. I love waking up to hearing the boats running across the lake. I love going to sleep after a great night around a fire telling stories and making smores.
I love racing. I love the sound of the engines coming to life after 'gentlemen start your engines.' I love the smell of gas and burning rubber. I love being one of 250,000 people in the stands cheering on our favorite drivers. I love the sense of being involved in something so much bigger than we are. I love going to sleep at night, with my window opened, listening to the cars racing out at Rosebowl.
I love reading quotes about life and love. I love that I can relate to so many of them. I love just going through pictures and remembering all the great times. I love looking at other people's art. I love reading what people think and how they feel. I love ICEE's and sunflower seeds. I love Saturday nights because dad normally makes fish and fries. I love a cold beer with great friends. I love doing new things and meeting new people.
I love watching Spirit run at night when I come home. I love seeing her happy. I love how Camo digs into his basket and finds that one special toy. I love when I wake up in the mornings and say something to him and he smiles at me and lays his head against mine. I love coming home to Kami and Malley and how happy they are to see me. I love waking up with them giving me kisses. I love how Bella lays around my head at night when I sleep and how she purrs as she falls asleep. I love how Casey puts her paws around my waist everytime I see her like she's hugging me. I love how Hunter man rolls over and just wants to be petted on his belly.
I love the feeling I get when I'm told I'm beautiful. I love hearing sweet things, but I love it when that person means it more. I love how it feels when I finish something I've been working on for awhile. I love to feel important to the people I care about. I just love all the sweet and beautiful things in life. And, I love that I do. =]
I love racing. I love the sound of the engines coming to life after 'gentlemen start your engines.' I love the smell of gas and burning rubber. I love being one of 250,000 people in the stands cheering on our favorite drivers. I love the sense of being involved in something so much bigger than we are. I love going to sleep at night, with my window opened, listening to the cars racing out at Rosebowl.
I love reading quotes about life and love. I love that I can relate to so many of them. I love just going through pictures and remembering all the great times. I love looking at other people's art. I love reading what people think and how they feel. I love ICEE's and sunflower seeds. I love Saturday nights because dad normally makes fish and fries. I love a cold beer with great friends. I love doing new things and meeting new people.
I love watching Spirit run at night when I come home. I love seeing her happy. I love how Camo digs into his basket and finds that one special toy. I love when I wake up in the mornings and say something to him and he smiles at me and lays his head against mine. I love coming home to Kami and Malley and how happy they are to see me. I love waking up with them giving me kisses. I love how Bella lays around my head at night when I sleep and how she purrs as she falls asleep. I love how Casey puts her paws around my waist everytime I see her like she's hugging me. I love how Hunter man rolls over and just wants to be petted on his belly.
I love the feeling I get when I'm told I'm beautiful. I love hearing sweet things, but I love it when that person means it more. I love how it feels when I finish something I've been working on for awhile. I love to feel important to the people I care about. I just love all the sweet and beautiful things in life. And, I love that I do. =]
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Smoke Show - Texas Motor Speedway
In April I won a drivers spot in the Smoke Show at Fandango. I happened to be at the right place at the right time.
August 4th finally came, and it was the most intense experience of my life. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
8:00 am.
We had been signed in, I signed my life away, my rights away and we finally got to eat breakfast. We had bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy and oh my goodness was it good! There was no coke, but I was okay. There was an artist there, man I wish I remembered his name, he was painting this picture and I couldn't figure out what it was at first. All I could make out was the race car, and some lines. I looked closer at it, and realized it was the outline of Tony's face. It was like an optical illusion. It was so neat.
8:30
They called the drivers to the 'drivers meeting' and the guests stayed behind to make posters. We met Mike Starr, who owns Team Texas, and he explained the cars to us, the marks we were supposed to hit and I learned something! The lanes on the frontstretch, we weren't supposed to follow! You know how it looks on TV like they're switching a lot of lanes, well if you follow those lanes you'll hit the wall. Those lines shouldn't even be painted on the track, but they're just there for TV and the fans. It looks cool. He talked to us about a lot of neat things, and stalled because Tony was late.
Tony finally arrived, not sure at what time, but he went from Pocono to Charlotte, from Charlotte to Indiana, From Indiana to Tulsa and Tulsa to Texas and was at the Smoke Show the next morning. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is.
He gave us tips on the track, basically reitterated everything Mike Starr had said.
Around 10 we got to load up in some vans and take two laps around the track with them showing us the marks we had to hit.
At about 10:30 we got to drivers intros. I was talking to a couple of girls, and waiting to be called to walk across the stage and they started lining us up. I was called first and it interrupted our talk and I guess I had a weird look on my face because Tony was standing there and had seen it and said, "That is exactly what happens to us, too! We're all standing there talking about hunting and fishing or whatever and they call us and interrupt our conversation just to line us up!" HAHA!
I was the fastest, the Wild Woman from Winona! Haha! I really didn't know what to do, so I forgot to wave to the crowd. =]
After drivers intros we got to ride around in a truck for our parade lap. I met a very nice woman that I hope I can keep in touch with. We had a connection and there's a reason why we were in the truck together. She had lost two people very close to her and the Smoke Show helped her heal a little, and I feel that it has helped me as well.
After the parade lap they started getting us ready for our 10 lap runs. In between the groups Tony would take 4 people out on their rides. I was so nervous, I couldn't sit still.
After the first time he took people out for rides I was talking to Jessica about her career and Tony walked up and wanted to know what we were talking about, he said, "Okay, now what's going on over here?" I said, "well, you know the usual - girl talk." All he said was, "oh shit, that's not good." haha. Then he sat right beside me! I leaned behind him and looked at mom and was like WHOA! Then he started talking about how the cars are set up and why the car sounded like it was bottoming out. I can't remember what he said because I was so shocked that he sat right beside me.
My first run was a little scary at first. I couldn't see over the steering wheel that well, so I was practically looking through the hole in the steering wheel, but I hit 150 a few times because they have rev limiters on the cars. Once I hit that I had to level the car back out, but I wasn't that great at it at first. Haha.
It was time to break for lunch and we went back to Hot Rod's Cafe. It was really good. Tony, his mom, his step dad and a few others had a table sat up right in front of us. It was cool to be in the same place as Tony but we didn't bother him that much. We let him come up to us and didn't invade his space, and he did, he made his rounds, made small talk and it was just a lot of fun.
We went back and got to go for our second run. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to get back in the car. The second group had ran and I was anxiously awaiting my time in the car with Tony. I was getting into the car and he said, "it's about time!" and I said, "it's about time for what?" I could only imagine what was about to come out of this man's mouth. haha. "It's about time I get a date. I'm ready to have a good looking girl in the car with me, I'm tired of driving these big guys around." He had me laughing so hard. Then I proceeded to ask him a question which was answered quickly by the guy who was strapping me in with a "SHOOOSH." I had asked him just how close he could get me to the wall and Tony's response was, "well just how close do you want to that wall?" I said, "as close as you can get me.." and the guy strapping me in was still shooshing me. Telling me I was as close to that damn wall already without having to ask Tony to get me closer. At this point I hadn't realized that I don't have a freakin window net. I guess it's a good thing I didn't realize that until after the car was rolling. He didn't waste anytime at all! I can't wait to be able to share the video. It's awesome! The 4 laps was only 3 minutes and 9 seconds, but it was amazing. On the last lap, we were going into turn two and he got really close to the apron, and I think the left front tire hit it, all I could see was his arms going crazy, and he got ahold of the car and got me REALLLLLLYYYY close to that wall. When we hit pit road I was screaming. I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. When I had completely caught my breath and we could hear each other, he asked me how it was and I just went to yappin. Then he asked if that was close enough. HAHA. I said, "that was perfect!" I went to get unstrapped and quickly realized that I couldn't get out of the car and told the man so. He laughed and said, "well I'm here to help you out.." then he came back with, "tony do you do this to all of your girls?" HAHA. He laughed so hard. I was so lightheaded and dizzy, I couldn't breathe.. and it was so freakin hot. They had to literally pull me out of the car, then they put ice down my firesuit and got me some water. We waited a few minutes to make our next 10 lap run so I could calm down.
I was so confident in the next run I was ready to get back into the car. I had so much fun! I'm pretty sure that's when I laid down my fastest lap! Woohoo!
After our last group went out and Tony took a couple more people for their ride, after that we had our victory lane celebration. We had to wear the cowboy hat, an old spice rag and we got to stand up there with Tony and shoot the six shooters. Well no one told me just how heavy those damn things were. They had them calked and handed them to me well, they uncalked or whatever. HA. Tony stepped back and I was like, I'm not going to shoot you! HAHA. I had to ask him to help me fix it and he did and I got to shoot it. Then we had a picture and confetti went flying. It was so much fun.
We got to go to the spa in the Speedway Club and take a nice long hot shower. After we were done that had Happy Hour up in the grand ballroom. It was beautiful, the view from there was spectacular. It overlooked the whole track. It was awesome.
Our table was right next to Tony's table. We had dinner, it was so yummy. Then after dinner it was the auction. I have NEVER seen so much money be given in my life. It was absolutely crazy. $10,000 here, $30,000 there, $15,000 here.. I was in awe. It was like pennies to them, but we all knew it was for a very good cause.
After the auction they had the Q&A. There were only two questions asked, one of which was mine. Haha. I was going to ask him how often he pees in the car, but once I seen how much money was being given, I realized that probably wasn't the best place to ask.. and not in front of people with that much class.. so I asked him where his pet monkey went to. He told me that he's in a zoo in Indianapolis and that him and Krysta go visit him pretty regularly. He said that he's roughly around 35 lbs and his canine teeth are pretty big so he can't be in the cage with him, but they do go see him. The last time they went to see him together was around Easter. Krysta bought some bright pink peeps and when he got done eating them it looked like he had lipstick. Tony said of all the damn colors she had to get the brightest and pinkiest for his son. HAHA. He said that he's very proud of him, he has two girlfriends. At which time he started pumping his fist in the air. HAHA. He talked about a lot of his animals, and how his little chihuahua is pampered and how she has her own guard dog when she goes outside because he's scared one of the owls is going to get hungry and take off with her.
After the Q&A was the drivers awards. The first plaque came out and he said something like, no, what happened to these being in particular order? One of the girls said, well they are in particular order.. he said no.. they're not, we should take the two minutes it takes to put these in order, there's a certain pride that comes along with these things, but the didn't do it. So I was called up on stage. Tony had previously told the guys that if they didn't have a fast lap in the 3 digits, they'd be walking around with their pants around their waist. So after they called me up, Tony said.. "Well, it looks to me like Kandice came today with her big boy panties on." Haha. The man on stage with him said, "What I didn't hear that." Tony then told everyone that I had a fast lap of 144 mph. YAY!Go me! For my first time in car I had a fast lap! The guy behind me didn't have as fast a lap and Tony said, "after tonight no one will know that you got beat by a girl, but MAN! You got beat by a girl!" HAHA. There was only a few people that had a lap faster than me, so I'm very proud of that! =]
Tony signed a lot of things for us, and took his time with everyone. He was very personable.
I don't know if you have heard about it or not, but there was a young man that was there that had been injured in Iraq. Tony had been told about how TMS was sending staff to help build this mans house and Tony wanted to be apart of it, but he had scheduling conflicts and couldn't make it. So they called this man and his family and Tony took him for a ride. Afterwards he invited them to the banquet and then gave him a backpack full of goodies, including two tickets for him and his wife and pit passes for November. It was very nice of Tony to do that. Then during the auction, they were auctioning off a piece of sheet metal and it went for $15,000. Later it was revealed that Tony had bought that piece himself to give the young man and his wife to hang up in his new house. How sweet is that!
This was one of the best days of my life. There is nothing else like this out there. It was a full day in the life of a driver. It was so awesome. It's a lot of money, but it was well worth it and it's for a wonderful cause. The Speedway Childrens Charity helps a lot of kids with that money so it was great to see everyone out there. I don't know how, but I plan on making the trip back next year if I have to save every penny I'm going to go back. It was amazing.
Tony is such a great man with a huge heart.
August 4th finally came, and it was the most intense experience of my life. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
8:00 am.
We had been signed in, I signed my life away, my rights away and we finally got to eat breakfast. We had bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy and oh my goodness was it good! There was no coke, but I was okay. There was an artist there, man I wish I remembered his name, he was painting this picture and I couldn't figure out what it was at first. All I could make out was the race car, and some lines. I looked closer at it, and realized it was the outline of Tony's face. It was like an optical illusion. It was so neat.
8:30
They called the drivers to the 'drivers meeting' and the guests stayed behind to make posters. We met Mike Starr, who owns Team Texas, and he explained the cars to us, the marks we were supposed to hit and I learned something! The lanes on the frontstretch, we weren't supposed to follow! You know how it looks on TV like they're switching a lot of lanes, well if you follow those lanes you'll hit the wall. Those lines shouldn't even be painted on the track, but they're just there for TV and the fans. It looks cool. He talked to us about a lot of neat things, and stalled because Tony was late.
Tony finally arrived, not sure at what time, but he went from Pocono to Charlotte, from Charlotte to Indiana, From Indiana to Tulsa and Tulsa to Texas and was at the Smoke Show the next morning. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is.
He gave us tips on the track, basically reitterated everything Mike Starr had said.
Around 10 we got to load up in some vans and take two laps around the track with them showing us the marks we had to hit.
At about 10:30 we got to drivers intros. I was talking to a couple of girls, and waiting to be called to walk across the stage and they started lining us up. I was called first and it interrupted our talk and I guess I had a weird look on my face because Tony was standing there and had seen it and said, "That is exactly what happens to us, too! We're all standing there talking about hunting and fishing or whatever and they call us and interrupt our conversation just to line us up!" HAHA!
I was the fastest, the Wild Woman from Winona! Haha! I really didn't know what to do, so I forgot to wave to the crowd. =]
After drivers intros we got to ride around in a truck for our parade lap. I met a very nice woman that I hope I can keep in touch with. We had a connection and there's a reason why we were in the truck together. She had lost two people very close to her and the Smoke Show helped her heal a little, and I feel that it has helped me as well.
After the parade lap they started getting us ready for our 10 lap runs. In between the groups Tony would take 4 people out on their rides. I was so nervous, I couldn't sit still.
After the first time he took people out for rides I was talking to Jessica about her career and Tony walked up and wanted to know what we were talking about, he said, "Okay, now what's going on over here?" I said, "well, you know the usual - girl talk." All he said was, "oh shit, that's not good." haha. Then he sat right beside me! I leaned behind him and looked at mom and was like WHOA! Then he started talking about how the cars are set up and why the car sounded like it was bottoming out. I can't remember what he said because I was so shocked that he sat right beside me.
My first run was a little scary at first. I couldn't see over the steering wheel that well, so I was practically looking through the hole in the steering wheel, but I hit 150 a few times because they have rev limiters on the cars. Once I hit that I had to level the car back out, but I wasn't that great at it at first. Haha.
It was time to break for lunch and we went back to Hot Rod's Cafe. It was really good. Tony, his mom, his step dad and a few others had a table sat up right in front of us. It was cool to be in the same place as Tony but we didn't bother him that much. We let him come up to us and didn't invade his space, and he did, he made his rounds, made small talk and it was just a lot of fun.
We went back and got to go for our second run. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to get back in the car. The second group had ran and I was anxiously awaiting my time in the car with Tony. I was getting into the car and he said, "it's about time!" and I said, "it's about time for what?" I could only imagine what was about to come out of this man's mouth. haha. "It's about time I get a date. I'm ready to have a good looking girl in the car with me, I'm tired of driving these big guys around." He had me laughing so hard. Then I proceeded to ask him a question which was answered quickly by the guy who was strapping me in with a "SHOOOSH." I had asked him just how close he could get me to the wall and Tony's response was, "well just how close do you want to that wall?" I said, "as close as you can get me.." and the guy strapping me in was still shooshing me. Telling me I was as close to that damn wall already without having to ask Tony to get me closer. At this point I hadn't realized that I don't have a freakin window net. I guess it's a good thing I didn't realize that until after the car was rolling. He didn't waste anytime at all! I can't wait to be able to share the video. It's awesome! The 4 laps was only 3 minutes and 9 seconds, but it was amazing. On the last lap, we were going into turn two and he got really close to the apron, and I think the left front tire hit it, all I could see was his arms going crazy, and he got ahold of the car and got me REALLLLLLYYYY close to that wall. When we hit pit road I was screaming. I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. When I had completely caught my breath and we could hear each other, he asked me how it was and I just went to yappin. Then he asked if that was close enough. HAHA. I said, "that was perfect!" I went to get unstrapped and quickly realized that I couldn't get out of the car and told the man so. He laughed and said, "well I'm here to help you out.." then he came back with, "tony do you do this to all of your girls?" HAHA. He laughed so hard. I was so lightheaded and dizzy, I couldn't breathe.. and it was so freakin hot. They had to literally pull me out of the car, then they put ice down my firesuit and got me some water. We waited a few minutes to make our next 10 lap run so I could calm down.
I was so confident in the next run I was ready to get back into the car. I had so much fun! I'm pretty sure that's when I laid down my fastest lap! Woohoo!
After our last group went out and Tony took a couple more people for their ride, after that we had our victory lane celebration. We had to wear the cowboy hat, an old spice rag and we got to stand up there with Tony and shoot the six shooters. Well no one told me just how heavy those damn things were. They had them calked and handed them to me well, they uncalked or whatever. HA. Tony stepped back and I was like, I'm not going to shoot you! HAHA. I had to ask him to help me fix it and he did and I got to shoot it. Then we had a picture and confetti went flying. It was so much fun.
We got to go to the spa in the Speedway Club and take a nice long hot shower. After we were done that had Happy Hour up in the grand ballroom. It was beautiful, the view from there was spectacular. It overlooked the whole track. It was awesome.
Our table was right next to Tony's table. We had dinner, it was so yummy. Then after dinner it was the auction. I have NEVER seen so much money be given in my life. It was absolutely crazy. $10,000 here, $30,000 there, $15,000 here.. I was in awe. It was like pennies to them, but we all knew it was for a very good cause.
After the auction they had the Q&A. There were only two questions asked, one of which was mine. Haha. I was going to ask him how often he pees in the car, but once I seen how much money was being given, I realized that probably wasn't the best place to ask.. and not in front of people with that much class.. so I asked him where his pet monkey went to. He told me that he's in a zoo in Indianapolis and that him and Krysta go visit him pretty regularly. He said that he's roughly around 35 lbs and his canine teeth are pretty big so he can't be in the cage with him, but they do go see him. The last time they went to see him together was around Easter. Krysta bought some bright pink peeps and when he got done eating them it looked like he had lipstick. Tony said of all the damn colors she had to get the brightest and pinkiest for his son. HAHA. He said that he's very proud of him, he has two girlfriends. At which time he started pumping his fist in the air. HAHA. He talked about a lot of his animals, and how his little chihuahua is pampered and how she has her own guard dog when she goes outside because he's scared one of the owls is going to get hungry and take off with her.
After the Q&A was the drivers awards. The first plaque came out and he said something like, no, what happened to these being in particular order? One of the girls said, well they are in particular order.. he said no.. they're not, we should take the two minutes it takes to put these in order, there's a certain pride that comes along with these things, but the didn't do it. So I was called up on stage. Tony had previously told the guys that if they didn't have a fast lap in the 3 digits, they'd be walking around with their pants around their waist. So after they called me up, Tony said.. "Well, it looks to me like Kandice came today with her big boy panties on." Haha. The man on stage with him said, "What I didn't hear that." Tony then told everyone that I had a fast lap of 144 mph. YAY!Go me! For my first time in car I had a fast lap! The guy behind me didn't have as fast a lap and Tony said, "after tonight no one will know that you got beat by a girl, but MAN! You got beat by a girl!" HAHA. There was only a few people that had a lap faster than me, so I'm very proud of that! =]
Tony signed a lot of things for us, and took his time with everyone. He was very personable.
I don't know if you have heard about it or not, but there was a young man that was there that had been injured in Iraq. Tony had been told about how TMS was sending staff to help build this mans house and Tony wanted to be apart of it, but he had scheduling conflicts and couldn't make it. So they called this man and his family and Tony took him for a ride. Afterwards he invited them to the banquet and then gave him a backpack full of goodies, including two tickets for him and his wife and pit passes for November. It was very nice of Tony to do that. Then during the auction, they were auctioning off a piece of sheet metal and it went for $15,000. Later it was revealed that Tony had bought that piece himself to give the young man and his wife to hang up in his new house. How sweet is that!
This was one of the best days of my life. There is nothing else like this out there. It was a full day in the life of a driver. It was so awesome. It's a lot of money, but it was well worth it and it's for a wonderful cause. The Speedway Childrens Charity helps a lot of kids with that money so it was great to see everyone out there. I don't know how, but I plan on making the trip back next year if I have to save every penny I'm going to go back. It was amazing.
Tony is such a great man with a huge heart.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Grief.
There is no set way to grieve. There's no set time limit with grieving and I wish everyone would quit telling me to let go and move on.
I've been reading several books and they all tell me the same thing.
Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. There is no one way to grieve the death of a spouse. There is only what you think and feel and the expressing of those thoughts and feelings.
Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family often withdraw from mourners, leaving us isolated and unsupported. While I hope this isn't the case for you, don't be shocked if some of your friends and family pull away. They often do this in an effort to protect their own emotions.
Widows often say, "I found out who my friends really are," after the death of a spouse.
The best way for you to respond in the face of faltering friendships is to be proactive and honest. Even though you're the one who is grieving, you may need to be the one to phone your friends and keep in touch.
[I tried and failed, by sending an email with no response.]
Unknowingly, you have probably internalized many of our societys harmful myths about grief and mourning.
I need to be strong and carry on.
Tears are a sign of weakness.
I need to get over my grief.
Death is something we don't talk about.
Your grief is your grief. It's normal and necessary. Allow it to be what it is. Allow it to last as long as it lasts. Strive to be an authentic mourner - one who openly and honestly expresses what you think and feel.
For many widows, waking up in the morning is the hardest part of their day. It's as if each time you awaken you must confront anew the realization that your lifemate has died.
There are 6 needs of mourning and number 3 means the most to me right now.
Remember the spouse who died.
To heal, you need to actively remember your spouse and commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away from you in a misguided attempt to save you from your pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos, for you to talk about your partners life and death. It's good for you to hold onto objects that belonged to your spouse.
The reason for me typing this is because so many people have said so many of these things to me and I felt I should type it up so you all know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.
I've been reading several books and they all tell me the same thing.
Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. There is no one way to grieve the death of a spouse. There is only what you think and feel and the expressing of those thoughts and feelings.
Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family often withdraw from mourners, leaving us isolated and unsupported. While I hope this isn't the case for you, don't be shocked if some of your friends and family pull away. They often do this in an effort to protect their own emotions.
Widows often say, "I found out who my friends really are," after the death of a spouse.
The best way for you to respond in the face of faltering friendships is to be proactive and honest. Even though you're the one who is grieving, you may need to be the one to phone your friends and keep in touch.
[I tried and failed, by sending an email with no response.]
Unknowingly, you have probably internalized many of our societys harmful myths about grief and mourning.
I need to be strong and carry on.
Tears are a sign of weakness.
I need to get over my grief.
Death is something we don't talk about.
Your grief is your grief. It's normal and necessary. Allow it to be what it is. Allow it to last as long as it lasts. Strive to be an authentic mourner - one who openly and honestly expresses what you think and feel.
For many widows, waking up in the morning is the hardest part of their day. It's as if each time you awaken you must confront anew the realization that your lifemate has died.
There are 6 needs of mourning and number 3 means the most to me right now.
Remember the spouse who died.
To heal, you need to actively remember your spouse and commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away from you in a misguided attempt to save you from your pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos, for you to talk about your partners life and death. It's good for you to hold onto objects that belonged to your spouse.
The reason for me typing this is because so many people have said so many of these things to me and I felt I should type it up so you all know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.
Monday, July 13, 2009
This is how I feel..
This is how I feel.
Finally, someone says it better than I ever could. Excerpts from a book I'm reading. Safe Passage.
We struggled so hard to be together, and now we are apart once more. I can't imagine starting over with someone else. You were my destination.
A kaleidoscope of feeligns has ensnared me. Denial, anger, guilt, despair, acceptance. One does not end for another to begin, rather the emotions tumble about and crash together just beyond control, and without regards for my wounded, weeping heart.
I am waiting to become disentangled. I want to seperate one color from another, so that I might see more clearly what assaults me. I want to address the fullness of my tears one feeling at a time.
What ever happened to happily ever after? As it turns out, that was the cruelest part of the fairy tale.
You are my enemy; my rage is undending. I know it is unhealthy. But I can't stop wanting to find you and spend days telling you what you took away from me. I would pummel you with the truth until you wept. And then I would open up and drench you with the rest of my feelings, until you were drowning in regret. Just when you were screaming for air, I would let you go. I would watch you crawl away. If I have to live in the aftermath of what you have done, so must you.
The grief I feel for you is large and loud, and threatening to burst out of me and paint everything the colors of who we were. Know that I would do that for you, make posters and take out ads telling everyone about our love. Give me a sign beloved, and I'll do that.
I am imprisoned in a cell of loneliness. There is no way out, except for the unexpected touch of others. Their affection will guide me down the passageway to my freedom. Their encouragement will illuminate the way.
I lie awake at night, tortured by the barrage of questions that pick at my flesh like tiny birds with sharp beaks: Why me? Why now? What have I done to deserve this? What could I have done to prevent this cruel parting? Unanswerable questions. All I can do is let them flow through me, rather than pick raw my tender skin. Oh yes, here they are again, my nightly visitors.
I watch others from a distance moving effortlessly in the circle of family and I am angry that their lives still seem to be intact. I rage at the injustice of death, that anything can be undisturbed, that anyone can go on normally in the face of this event. How is it that others haven't noticed that nothing will ever be the same again? I must be the only one who understands this small, yet eternal change.
When I find myself panicking, its usually because I've let my mind wander off to the future. Where will I be next year, how will I feel in two years, how will I survive Christmas [I've often thought about just sleeping through the day] and birthdays? An endless procession of empty days, weeks, months, begin to line up before me like tombstones waiting to be inscribed with memories never made. All I can do is bring myself back to today, to tomorrow maybe, and remember that the future is unknowable and my place in it is yet unborn.
Death has seperated us, but not completely. We have not parted company forever. I am only living away from you for awhile.
The depth of my grief is a constant with the breadth of my love. I would never sacrifice one to avoid the pain of the other.
It is the small things that bring me to an incredible sorrow. I come across a photo in a drawer, and I have to step back in order to avoid being engulfed by your absense. Confronted with the problem of your clothes in the closet, I know that taking them away will not be possible without dying once more. The message is unmistakable: I must give myself good time, because the little things are not little at all.
When we are struggling through the night, falling prey to the beasts of guilt and regret, drowning in a river of tears, finally succumbing to exhaustion, we cannot be expected to believe in the beauty of the coming dawn. Somewhere in our past, we knew morning to be night's faithful follower, but for now, what understanding will have to force its way through the menacing darkness and back to us again.
Sometimes, thinking of death, feelings of panic would press into my awareness and send me shuddering into myself. But I am calmer now about dying; perhaps I will never be that afraid again. After all, I watched you go away with death and I know that you are alright. I will also go away, and I, too, will be alright.
I am fighting the temptation to plot revenge. From within my torment, a very loud voice drowns out what is left of my humanity: "Even the score!" Frantically, I argue. Retribution will not bring you back, I say. What I choose to do in your memory will be your legacy and my reason to go on. Beneath the din, another, softer voice - perhaps my old self - quietly states my position. ...In your name, I want to live to celebrate the last act of inhumanity.
There is someone inside of us who knows exactly what to do. Each of us possesses a natural wisdom that will guide us during the most difficult of times. By turning inward we will find our way through.
We know ourselves by the stories we tell. Losing you has dismantled my storyline and shaken my plot; the tale I tell about who I am and where I am going doesn't make sense anymore. I want to desperately find other words that will imagine my life anew. I just don't know where and how that story will begin.
Getting through the day is like walking through a mine field of deadly moments of recollection.Just when I have slipped beneath the surface of remembering, drawn there by the benevolent distractions of daily life, the grim new reality suddenly explodes around me, reminding me that everything is terribly, permanently different. And I must absorb the same first brutal shock, the same descending horror, over and over again. I am deceived by those instances of forgetfulness, yet I am obviously not ready to live every moment with the inalterable truth.
[That is every single day.. and it happens at the worst possible moments.. sitting at work, and all of a sudden it hits me all over again and I see Richard laying there on the table with the tubes all over him, in his mouth and.. remembering the doctor bluntly telling me that he'd been dead for hours... every day.. several times a day and it's terrible.]
Sleeping, which used to relieve the fullness of the day, has become just another difficult task. I first avoid my bed, knowing that if I stop moving, memories will sneak into my fading consciousness and force a sob into my throat. Other nights I lay awake for hours - feeling nothing, but still unable to sleep. Or I wake in the predawn darkness, hoping desperately that the clock has moved toward the morning. I was not prepared for sleep to be an enemy. What I need now is a friend, and a way to rest my weary spirit.
I am disoriented by death. I do not know where I have been or where I am going. The familiar landmarks are out of view, coldly covered by deaths icy grip. My confusion has atleast, demanded that I cease moving. Standing still will restore my sense of direction, and what remains of my inner fire will warm the way toward healing.
If only I could have spoken to hiim before he chose to end a life. It would only have taken a few minutes to tell him about us, to describe the ways we all love each other, to paint a picture of our happinness and our innocence. I would have changed his mind. He would have understood that he deserved to live. I would have looked into his eyes and made him see himself in mine, and he would have decided differently.
I was asked today how I keep going when I have lost my best friend and the person I have loved so much in this lifetime. I keep going because I have to. I have to for the people who love me, if I gave up then that would be tragic to not have only lost him but me too. He wouldn't want that. I have to pretend I'm okay. I have to put a smile on my face and whenever someone asks how I'm doing I have to say I'm fine, I'm not.. but how would you feel if everytime you asked the s ame person how they were doing and they said, terrible, horrible.. not okay, I'm not fine.. You wouldn't care to have anything to do with that person because of all the negativitiy. I don't want people to pity me, I don't want people to walk away from me because of my loss and not knowing how to deal with it. I'm not okay, but in time I think I will get used to the pain and will have found a way to keep going on with my life even though right now I don't know how to. I was told that eventually you learn how to deal with the pain. I was told that my life will never return to normal, because he was my normal.. it was a crazy normal, but it was my normal. Now that he's gone I'll have to find a new normal. A wise old lady told me that and I believe it.
Finally, someone says it better than I ever could. Excerpts from a book I'm reading. Safe Passage.
We struggled so hard to be together, and now we are apart once more. I can't imagine starting over with someone else. You were my destination.
A kaleidoscope of feeligns has ensnared me. Denial, anger, guilt, despair, acceptance. One does not end for another to begin, rather the emotions tumble about and crash together just beyond control, and without regards for my wounded, weeping heart.
I am waiting to become disentangled. I want to seperate one color from another, so that I might see more clearly what assaults me. I want to address the fullness of my tears one feeling at a time.
What ever happened to happily ever after? As it turns out, that was the cruelest part of the fairy tale.
You are my enemy; my rage is undending. I know it is unhealthy. But I can't stop wanting to find you and spend days telling you what you took away from me. I would pummel you with the truth until you wept. And then I would open up and drench you with the rest of my feelings, until you were drowning in regret. Just when you were screaming for air, I would let you go. I would watch you crawl away. If I have to live in the aftermath of what you have done, so must you.
The grief I feel for you is large and loud, and threatening to burst out of me and paint everything the colors of who we were. Know that I would do that for you, make posters and take out ads telling everyone about our love. Give me a sign beloved, and I'll do that.
I am imprisoned in a cell of loneliness. There is no way out, except for the unexpected touch of others. Their affection will guide me down the passageway to my freedom. Their encouragement will illuminate the way.
I lie awake at night, tortured by the barrage of questions that pick at my flesh like tiny birds with sharp beaks: Why me? Why now? What have I done to deserve this? What could I have done to prevent this cruel parting? Unanswerable questions. All I can do is let them flow through me, rather than pick raw my tender skin. Oh yes, here they are again, my nightly visitors.
I watch others from a distance moving effortlessly in the circle of family and I am angry that their lives still seem to be intact. I rage at the injustice of death, that anything can be undisturbed, that anyone can go on normally in the face of this event. How is it that others haven't noticed that nothing will ever be the same again? I must be the only one who understands this small, yet eternal change.
When I find myself panicking, its usually because I've let my mind wander off to the future. Where will I be next year, how will I feel in two years, how will I survive Christmas [I've often thought about just sleeping through the day] and birthdays? An endless procession of empty days, weeks, months, begin to line up before me like tombstones waiting to be inscribed with memories never made. All I can do is bring myself back to today, to tomorrow maybe, and remember that the future is unknowable and my place in it is yet unborn.
Death has seperated us, but not completely. We have not parted company forever. I am only living away from you for awhile.
The depth of my grief is a constant with the breadth of my love. I would never sacrifice one to avoid the pain of the other.
It is the small things that bring me to an incredible sorrow. I come across a photo in a drawer, and I have to step back in order to avoid being engulfed by your absense. Confronted with the problem of your clothes in the closet, I know that taking them away will not be possible without dying once more. The message is unmistakable: I must give myself good time, because the little things are not little at all.
When we are struggling through the night, falling prey to the beasts of guilt and regret, drowning in a river of tears, finally succumbing to exhaustion, we cannot be expected to believe in the beauty of the coming dawn. Somewhere in our past, we knew morning to be night's faithful follower, but for now, what understanding will have to force its way through the menacing darkness and back to us again.
Sometimes, thinking of death, feelings of panic would press into my awareness and send me shuddering into myself. But I am calmer now about dying; perhaps I will never be that afraid again. After all, I watched you go away with death and I know that you are alright. I will also go away, and I, too, will be alright.
I am fighting the temptation to plot revenge. From within my torment, a very loud voice drowns out what is left of my humanity: "Even the score!" Frantically, I argue. Retribution will not bring you back, I say. What I choose to do in your memory will be your legacy and my reason to go on. Beneath the din, another, softer voice - perhaps my old self - quietly states my position. ...In your name, I want to live to celebrate the last act of inhumanity.
There is someone inside of us who knows exactly what to do. Each of us possesses a natural wisdom that will guide us during the most difficult of times. By turning inward we will find our way through.
We know ourselves by the stories we tell. Losing you has dismantled my storyline and shaken my plot; the tale I tell about who I am and where I am going doesn't make sense anymore. I want to desperately find other words that will imagine my life anew. I just don't know where and how that story will begin.
Getting through the day is like walking through a mine field of deadly moments of recollection.Just when I have slipped beneath the surface of remembering, drawn there by the benevolent distractions of daily life, the grim new reality suddenly explodes around me, reminding me that everything is terribly, permanently different. And I must absorb the same first brutal shock, the same descending horror, over and over again. I am deceived by those instances of forgetfulness, yet I am obviously not ready to live every moment with the inalterable truth.
[That is every single day.. and it happens at the worst possible moments.. sitting at work, and all of a sudden it hits me all over again and I see Richard laying there on the table with the tubes all over him, in his mouth and.. remembering the doctor bluntly telling me that he'd been dead for hours... every day.. several times a day and it's terrible.]
Sleeping, which used to relieve the fullness of the day, has become just another difficult task. I first avoid my bed, knowing that if I stop moving, memories will sneak into my fading consciousness and force a sob into my throat. Other nights I lay awake for hours - feeling nothing, but still unable to sleep. Or I wake in the predawn darkness, hoping desperately that the clock has moved toward the morning. I was not prepared for sleep to be an enemy. What I need now is a friend, and a way to rest my weary spirit.
I am disoriented by death. I do not know where I have been or where I am going. The familiar landmarks are out of view, coldly covered by deaths icy grip. My confusion has atleast, demanded that I cease moving. Standing still will restore my sense of direction, and what remains of my inner fire will warm the way toward healing.
If only I could have spoken to hiim before he chose to end a life. It would only have taken a few minutes to tell him about us, to describe the ways we all love each other, to paint a picture of our happinness and our innocence. I would have changed his mind. He would have understood that he deserved to live. I would have looked into his eyes and made him see himself in mine, and he would have decided differently.
I was asked today how I keep going when I have lost my best friend and the person I have loved so much in this lifetime. I keep going because I have to. I have to for the people who love me, if I gave up then that would be tragic to not have only lost him but me too. He wouldn't want that. I have to pretend I'm okay. I have to put a smile on my face and whenever someone asks how I'm doing I have to say I'm fine, I'm not.. but how would you feel if everytime you asked the s ame person how they were doing and they said, terrible, horrible.. not okay, I'm not fine.. You wouldn't care to have anything to do with that person because of all the negativitiy. I don't want people to pity me, I don't want people to walk away from me because of my loss and not knowing how to deal with it. I'm not okay, but in time I think I will get used to the pain and will have found a way to keep going on with my life even though right now I don't know how to. I was told that eventually you learn how to deal with the pain. I was told that my life will never return to normal, because he was my normal.. it was a crazy normal, but it was my normal. Now that he's gone I'll have to find a new normal. A wise old lady told me that and I believe it.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The hardest parts
The hardest parts are waking up in the morning and realizing that I have to go another day without seeing him. Another day without hearing his voice, or anything.. Just another day.
The worst part is seeing a movie being shown on TV, like today.. the new GI JOE movie was showing and I actually thought before I even realized it that Richard and I should go watch it. Then it dawned on me that Richard isn't here to watch the movie with me. It dawned on me that he'd never be able to enjoy them again. It dawned on me that we'll never get to enjoy anything together again. It's hard to not resent couples, I know I shouldn't but I do. It's hard to look at families.. enjoying each other.
We went to the balloon glow last night and just walking through all the balloons and seeing couples hand in hand and young couples with kids just broke my heart. That was supposed to be us. He was supposed to be a daddy. He was supposed to have a little boy that he had dreamed of naming Christopher.
The other day I was thinking about the day that he proposed to me. I never suspected it. It was January 7, 2005. Ironically, his mothers birthday. I don't think it was planned.. I never asked, but from what mom tells me about the day that he picked out my ring he was a nervous wreck. I don't know why, but he was worried about me saying no. Mom went with him, and he had to have the ring that day, it had to be done then. She said he was shaking and everything. Well. I was at home, so sick that when I lifted my head I had to lay it back down, I was throwing up, had the worst headache and had the body aches. He came home and he was antsy. He came up to my bed and sat down beside me and told me I had to take him to Gladewater to go get his check. I told him to have mom take him, I wasn't moving. He didn't have a truck then and his license was suspended so he couldn't drive. I wasn't driving so I had mom and dad take us. I'm telling you, I felt like pure crap. Then we pull up into Lake Gladewater. I couldn't figure out why we were there and he said, "uhh, uhh, I'm having my boss meet me here." I didn't know why we just didn't go to their house, it was closer than the lake, but whatever. So we get to the lake and he makes me get out of the car. He leads me to one of the tables and sits me down and he gets down on his knee.. I was like what the hell are you doing? He just looked at me and asked me to marry him. He was shaking, still. I couldn't beleive I ruined the moment, but afterwards it was pretty funny.
We came home and it was about 10:00 and he called everyone he could think of and told everyone we were getting married. I remember laying in bed and thinking, wow, he really does love me. He's so excited. He called people he hadn't talked to in years just to let them know he was going to be a married man.
Just random thoughts, but I feel better getting them out.
The worst part is seeing a movie being shown on TV, like today.. the new GI JOE movie was showing and I actually thought before I even realized it that Richard and I should go watch it. Then it dawned on me that Richard isn't here to watch the movie with me. It dawned on me that he'd never be able to enjoy them again. It dawned on me that we'll never get to enjoy anything together again. It's hard to not resent couples, I know I shouldn't but I do. It's hard to look at families.. enjoying each other.
We went to the balloon glow last night and just walking through all the balloons and seeing couples hand in hand and young couples with kids just broke my heart. That was supposed to be us. He was supposed to be a daddy. He was supposed to have a little boy that he had dreamed of naming Christopher.
The other day I was thinking about the day that he proposed to me. I never suspected it. It was January 7, 2005. Ironically, his mothers birthday. I don't think it was planned.. I never asked, but from what mom tells me about the day that he picked out my ring he was a nervous wreck. I don't know why, but he was worried about me saying no. Mom went with him, and he had to have the ring that day, it had to be done then. She said he was shaking and everything. Well. I was at home, so sick that when I lifted my head I had to lay it back down, I was throwing up, had the worst headache and had the body aches. He came home and he was antsy. He came up to my bed and sat down beside me and told me I had to take him to Gladewater to go get his check. I told him to have mom take him, I wasn't moving. He didn't have a truck then and his license was suspended so he couldn't drive. I wasn't driving so I had mom and dad take us. I'm telling you, I felt like pure crap. Then we pull up into Lake Gladewater. I couldn't figure out why we were there and he said, "uhh, uhh, I'm having my boss meet me here." I didn't know why we just didn't go to their house, it was closer than the lake, but whatever. So we get to the lake and he makes me get out of the car. He leads me to one of the tables and sits me down and he gets down on his knee.. I was like what the hell are you doing? He just looked at me and asked me to marry him. He was shaking, still. I couldn't beleive I ruined the moment, but afterwards it was pretty funny.
We came home and it was about 10:00 and he called everyone he could think of and told everyone we were getting married. I remember laying in bed and thinking, wow, he really does love me. He's so excited. He called people he hadn't talked to in years just to let them know he was going to be a married man.
Just random thoughts, but I feel better getting them out.
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