Still incredibly angry.

As the sixth week of losing my husband is right around the corner, I still find myself so incredibly angry. Angry with myself, angry at the people he was with, angry with God. I know some of you won't understand why I'm so angry at God. I went to Church with Dad today and it was our churches homecoming. 111 years. Amazing, right? It was pure torture for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the people there and the atmosphere but listening to everyones testimonies on how God is so great and how He answers every prayers, made me sick. If God had answered my prayer my husband wouldn't be 6 feet under the ground. He would still be with me and my life wouldn't feel so out of control. I don't understand how God is so great, yet he just took my husband from me at 23 years old. He stole my future from me and turned my life upside down. I'm so mad. I feel like such a hypocrite for even going to church right now feeling the way I do. Everyone says it's normal, I don't know if it is or not.

Some of you have openly expressed the fact that I should be more positive. A lot of you have. I understand you're probably tired of reading how mad, upset, or negative life is but like I said previously, my life has just been turned upside down without any notice. The one person I loved in this world more than myself was just taken from me. The person I have loved for years and helped each other through everything is suddenly gone. I know I'll see him again but just going through day to day troubles, I can't just pick up the phone and hear his voice and hear him reassuring me and telling me he loves me. I have tried, and realized he's no longer going to be on the end of the line. I feel like I no longer have any control over my life at all.. I no longer have control over my feelings. I can't sleep at night without having to take medicine to stay asleep all night, that way I don't stay awake and think of everything I could have done, should have done to still have my husband here with me. Until you lose someone this close to you, a spouse, you have no idea how it feels to have your world ripped apart and not able to do anything except try to make it day to day.

To those of you who feel this overwhelming desire to put pictures of you and my husband on your pages, you can do so.. but know that I know what type of friends you were and know that you know what type of friend you were to him. Putting a picture up of you and him will not erase the fact that you didn't help him the way you should have. I hope that it means the guilt of knowing you had a hand in leading up to his death is tearing you apart, I hope you can't sleep knowing that you could have helped him, and led him down a different path or at the least bit - tried to have helped him if you didn't succeed then that's understandable but just trying would have made losing him a little bit easier.. I have regrets that are bothering me, and feel guilty for things I had done and didn't do but atleast I have that little bit of satisfaction knowing that I did what I could to help him over the years that I did help him.

I hope that through losing him, losing this person you have so claimed to have loved will help you change your life. If it doesn't, then you really didn't love him at all, did you?

And, no, this isn't directed to anyone in particular, I'm so very sorry if you take it that way but that wasn't how it was meant to be.. and if you do take it as being directed to you then oh freaking well.

I'm a little bitter.

He's working in mysterious ways

It's been a long, okay day. It's Fathers Day, we went to Church this morning and went out to visit Richard. I did okay during church I wasn't sure how I would handle it because it was the last place I saw my husband. The last place I kissed him and it will be the place I go to for years to come to be close to him. As soon as church was over, I went to him and I just lost it. I always let it all out when I'm there but I feel so much better. I feel like he's there with me.

I came home and sat outside for awhile. Just sitting in a daze. I've been doing that a lot lately, but it's okay. I gave Casey and Hunter Man a bath. It was weird because Hunter actually let me bathe him without fighting me. I like to think I had help, because this dog normally freaks out on me. I could actually picture Richard standing there holding him for me.

I played with the dogs for awhile, the cats.. we spent time with Moo Cow and went and seen the chickens. They're getting big!

8:00 neared and night was growing closer. We had already talked about going out to his site because we put a solar light out there and we wanted to see if it worked.

Dad came in and was standing behind the couch, behind his normal spot at night, with the shower warming up he was watching whatever we had on the tv. Mom was sitting in the floor cleaning out her purse. She stood up and walked over to me, with her hand folded and asked, "does this mean anything to you?" With her hand open she showed me what she had found and I just kept staring at it.

I honestly could not make this kind of thing up in a million years. I just kept staring, she asked me a couple more times and wanted to know if I was okay.

In her hand she held two earrings. One of which I had for years, but had never worn; a diamond cross. The other one was one that Richard had bought me for my last birthday; a pink stone.

Things like this have a huge significance for me, it may not to anyone else, but two earrings, one of which I never wore and another one that I wore all the time.

He's still here. I know that if I can't see him, can't hear him, can't have him near then I will take these crazy kinda things happening to me over nothing.

Four Weeks Tomorrow

Almost four weeks has gone by and there's not a moment I'm not thinking about him, or wishing he was here. There's not a moment when my heart doesn't ache. I can still pass by Wendy's, or Jack in the Box, McDonald's, Taco Bell, Walmart, the Dollar Store.. anywhere and can remember so many times we sat in there eating after work.. or strolling the isles at the stores and having something funny happen.. I know I'm going to have these memories forever but right now it's killing me. Everything I do reminds me of him. It's hard sitting in my living room and not reliving the day we got married in this house.. or the many Christmases that we had.. or just laying around and watching TV.

I have yet to watch our home videos, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see how he once was.. I'm not sure if I can handle hearing his voice, but it's the one thing I wish to hear daily. Doesn't make sense, but I didn't say I made any lately.
So much has happened, I feel like my mind has completely fried. I can't remember doing things, saying things, what someone has just told me, or what I have just done. It's ridiculous.

I have been very comforted over the past couple of days. We went out a few days ago and took pictures for his mom. I was completely against it at first, but now I'm glad we did.. Mom took the pictures while I stood there and she went to go pick up some flowers on someone elses grave and I took the camera from her. I reviewed the pictures and this calm, peaceful wave just settled on me and I started crying. In every single picture was this bright, beautiful magenta cross. Like he was saying, "I'm here, I'm okay." I knew he was in Heaven, but seeing this just magnified that feeling and I know he knows how much I loved him and I know he's here with me.



A couple of other things have happened, things I can't explain and things that would make me look crazy.. but I know that he's by my side every night when I lay down to sleep and that makes me feel so much better.

I can picture him laying on his side with one arm around me and his other playing with my hair.. like he did many nights over the past 8 years. He used to play with my hair and rub my face when he couldn't sleep. He used to tell me he loved to watch me sleep. I loved him so much. God, I miss him.



He made this for me a few years ago, I pulled it out of a box the other day and I'll be putting it in sight so I can remember just how much he loved me.

Just Another Day..

It started out terrible. I went to work for 30 minutes only to realize I wasn't ready. I haven't cried that much in a few days and I felt so sick. I came home and slept the day away. If it weren't for my parents, family, friends and his and my babies I would probably give up and give in. That is exactly how I felt today. Ready just to give up. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go through this life without him by my side. I know he's watching over me and I know he'd want me to be okay.. but some days are so hard I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't feel I'm worthy enough some times to even be capable of getting out of bed and moving on with my life when he's no longer here and not able to.

We took some flowers out tonight, mom made him a really pretty arrangement.. and we sat out there for awhile. The sun set and it was absolutely beautiful. The only place it shone through was the trees behind him, and it just stayed right over top of him, shining on him. Like he was telling me he was there with me. I know I want him to show me that he's here, and that sounds crazy.. but I feel like he is, and he's guiding me in some weird way.

The other day I wrote about how Richard would straighten my hair whenever I was taking my sweet time getting ready to go out, he would just grab the straightener and take over while talking to me and while I put on my makeup. I wrote that a day or two into our vacation in Florida. I knew that if he knew that I had told people and if he were still here he would have had a shit fit. The next day I get up to go straighten my hair only to find that my damn straightener wasn't working. I plugged it into every plug in the house and the light never came on. So thanks to him, I'm pretty sure it was his doing, I'm stuck with a POS Walmart one.. if he only remembered how much mom paid for my stupid Chi.

Today marks the first day in years that I have actually had a decent conversation with my mother in law, and for some reason it actually makes me feel so much better. I'll never understand how she has done what she has done, but I have this terrible trait of not letting go of things. We would have still been together, and I guarantee you he'd still be here had I found a way to forgive him for the past. I couldn't get passed some of the things he had done to me and to himself, and I made it hell on him. That'd be the first thing I'd take back if I could. Especially when it came to his mom, because I knew how much he loved her, but I still made it hard when it came to her and I. She was no picnic either, but I should have known better.

I guess, more than anything, it makes it better because she finally.. after all these years, told me that she knew I was good for him.. and I was good enough for him. I never felt good enough for her son, in her eyes.. I knew I was, but she never let me into 'her' life. The rest of the family had accepted me with open arms and if it weren't for Aunt Cindy, Uncle Jim, Alisa and David, I would have felt like a complete outcast the whole time we were together.

I hope we can keep our conversations civil and I hope that maybe one day we can have the relationship we've never had.. only because we loved the same person completely in our own ways.

I sent her a picture of his monument, it'll be out there soon and she actually liked it. I was shocked that she was so happy and liked it, she thought it was beautiful. I just knew she'd hate it.. but it's him.

I was searching for something I had lost today and I came across the last card he'd given me. I remember sitting there at work and I was so upset because it was Valentines Day and I hadn't heard from him. I was at lunch sitting by myself, and I got a phone call and it was him. He was telling my Happy Valentines Day and he told me how beautiful I looked sitting there all alone.. and how he wished he was with me. I hadn't told him I was at lunch, so I look up and look towards the door and there he was standing there with something behind his back and that beautiful grin on his face. He gave me the biggest hug, told me how much he missed me, loved me, and how happy he was to be there. He handed me the card and I didn't want to read it then because I knew I'd cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.. but I peeked at it while he was in line getting food.. It's one of those when you open it, it sings. It scared the crap out of me, I shut it really fast and looked towards him and he had the biggest grin on his face and then started laughing. He came back to the table and said, "So I see you read it, do you like it?" I loved it. Words couldn't describe how much I loved it. It was Martina McBrides song.. I have Been Blessed.

I have been blessed. I was blessed completely the day he walked into my life. Knowing what I know now, and some of you will probably think I'm crazy, I'd go through it all again. That is how much I loved him. I loved him more than life and I always will. Always and forever as we'd always say.


I guess after the long day I've had, it's nice to be able to talk to her despite all the problems because she's one of my last links to my husband.. the person I'll love for the rest of my life.

Back to reality..

I've only been home for two hours, but let me tell you.. it already sucks. I don't know if I want to sleep in my bed yet in my house alone, or sleep in my old bed upstairs in my parents house. The only way I've been getting any sleep lately is taking Tylenol PM. If I don't, I just lie awake for hours on end reliving the past few horrible weeks. It'll be three weeks monday and while some times when I say that it seems like it's flown by.. then other times I think the days couldn't drag on any longer than what they are at that very moment. I used to love taking nice, long, hot showers.. but now I actually dread it. I used to use those times just to think.. to plan my next day and make a mental list of what I need to get done.. now all I can think about is sitting there in front of that doctor listening to him say, "he's dead, he's been gone for a few hours." Me, sitting there with a blank look on my face, screaming, "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" I know I had to have looked like a complete idiot and probably fit in well with my mother in law, but that's the only words I could manage to squeeze out at that moment. Remembering the Chaplain telling me the moment I had arrived in the room, that they bring him on for occasions such as these.. and it never dawned on me that my husband was dead. I don't know why, but when things happened to him, my initial reaction, or feelings were that of anger.. I guess it's my nature, but I always get angry before I get worried or upset. I just knew I was going to get to walk into that hospital room and jump his ass for whatever reason he was in there.. not to mention the DWI he got the night before. I just knew it. It never even hit me that I'd never get to hear his voice again or have him hug me, kiss me, hold me.. anything.

We had planned months ago to go on vacation to Florida. We decided to go even after everything that has happened. I thought maybe it would help.. but then I come home to the reminders that my husband is really gone. His boots sitting in my doorway, that he'll never wear again. The plants and flowers, only reminders that we had to bury him.. the pictures that we put up near his casket.. again, terrible reminders.. I'm not sure if I should keep all of this in sight or put it up. Some moments I don't want the reminders, then I feel like if it's all put away, I feel like I can't breathe.. I want the reminders. I can't tell if I'm coming or going anymore.

I just want to go a few hours, without reliving that horrible day. Without hearing those words being replayed in my head over and over again. Without remembering how cold and hard he was when I touched him.. without remembering the smell.. without remembering his funeral, and without hearing those songs that remind me of him. Without the what-ifs, without wondering how I'm going to go on with my life because I don't know how to. I just wish I could cut all the cords to my brain that help me think. I'm tired of thinking. God, I'm tired of thinking.

Some people don't know what to say to someone when they suffer a loss. I'll tell you what not to say, but only because I'm being ugly right now. If your spouse is still alive, still breathing, still able to communicate to. Whether it be by phone, texting, email, snail mail.. any of the above - DO NOT tell me you know how I feel and do not even try and compare the two. Once your wife or your husband is no longer walking around, breathing.. once they are put in a casket, once they have to have makeup on to cover the color that they have turned, once you bury them and know that the hump in the ground means that he's really buried under it.. once you look at the marker and the only thing left of them says their name, date or birth and date of death.. the only way of feeling close to them is sitting beside their grave.. Do not tell me you know how I feel because until then, you have no clue.

If you have that luxury of being able to look forward to doing something with them, talking to them, just being with them.. then you have no clue what it is like to look at your future and not see them there. At all. Ever again.

Last night in Florida..

Tonight is our last night in Florida and I can already feel the overwhelming sadness take over once again. I am not ready to go back home and deal with anything. I know I have to call a lot of people in Austin and let him know he passed away. I have to write a thousand thank you letters, I should have done that sooner.. I have mail piling up of his that I have to figure out what to do with. It's just overwhelming.. scary and sad.. I have to figure out how to one day restart my life and that scares me more than anything. I've got to start getting everything ready for college. Something I should have done a long time ago, but I always seem to put it off and now that time is getting closer and closer. I finally found a good book yesterday. I'm going to get off here and start reading again. Goodnight.

Death Of Husband And Father, Family Death Poems

Death Of Husband And Father, Family Death Poems