Time discovers truth...

And 'time heals what reason cannot.'


I believe this. There was a time when I counted the days, then the weeks, and then months. Today I had to stop and count it because it has escaped me and for that I'm thankful.


It's been a year and five months today that he passed.


As I get older, the memories from when I was a child get more distant and blurry.. That's how the memories are with him. Maybe that's my mind or hearts way of being able to keep moving. I can see them, but it's like it's a video of someone else's life being played out in front of me. Somedays I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I didn't think I'd be able to think of him this soon and not break down.


'Time is the best counselor of them all..'


There's some that told me that time would heal, and others told me that time wouldn't. Time has and I've been able to keep moving. I can have memories of him and watch them pass me by and still keep on moving.


I started this blog so I could see how life has changed and I'm glad I did. Although there's so much raw emotion in most of them it's hard to go back and read but I know I have come a long ways and life has gotten a lot better as the days go by.


'Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...'


For awhile I wanted my life back to normal.. well it is. It may not be the normal I had with him, but it's become MY normal and for that, again, I'm thankful. =]

I Survived!

The only thing that keeps going through my mind is the sense of relief that I feel. Part of me hurts that I feel this way. That a year later I can just breathe, I have made it. I have survived many of the firsts without the love of my life, without the boy that still holds this huge part of my heart. It hurts because I know I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay and live my life without him. That one day I will fall in love, and I will marry again and I will find that person that I belong with. I have no doubt about that.

It may take awhile to find someone who can deal with my passion for racing, that will put up with my attitude and all my animals, but I know he's out there somewhere and that makes me very happy.

On May 27th last year I was being asked how many burial plots I needed. That is when it hit me. Life is a lot shorter than anyone really imagines. At 22 years old I had a burial plot next to my 23 year old husband, next to the boy that I have loved since I was 15.. I don't think anything in my life has scared me more than that.

In a year I have found out who I am and that in itself is amazing. I didn't realize just how lost I was until the past few weeks. I can look back and see how far I have come and with whose help I have had to come this far.

At one point in my life I had a house, a husband, my own daycare and I loved it. I was content, then my life was ripped apart by drugs. I have never touched drugs in my life, so I never understood the hold it has on people. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it, how we had everything one moment and lost it all the next. Everytime we'd get three steps ahead, he'd pull us five steps back. We could never keep stability in our lives. He could never stay away from it. There were many times when I thought I wasn't good enough for him, that he didn't love me enough to step away from it and keep our marriage from falling apart. That's something I'll always wonder.

I will always have questions and I still have regrets, but if I've learned anything in the past year it's that I have to close this chapter of my life and keep moving to the next. He'll always be in my heart and he will always be my first love but I know he wouldn't want me to keep holding onto him that I can't move on with my own life.

I can't say it enough, thanks to those of you that have stood by me through all the ups and downs, all my crazy emotional times. You have been the rock that I have needed and I'll never be able to tell you all how much I appreciate it. I have lost a lot of family and a few people I considered friends since he died, but I have gained so much more. I hope every single one of you know that I will always be here for you anytime you need me.

I love you all so much. I completely believe that all my best days are ahead of me and I can't wait to share every bit of it with you. =]

What I Love...

I love the colors pink and purple. I love fireflies and butterflies. I love hearts and glitter. I love looking at the stars on beautiful nights. I love country music and all the sweet things in life. I love listening to songs about love and happily ever afters. I love children and the funny things they have to say. I love watching them grow up and getting to watch them explore new things in life. I love all animals and wish I could take care of them all. I love camping with family and friends. I love waking up to hearing the boats running across the lake. I love going to sleep after a great night around a fire telling stories and making smores.

I love racing. I love the sound of the engines coming to life after 'gentlemen start your engines.' I love the smell of gas and burning rubber. I love being one of 250,000 people in the stands cheering on our favorite drivers. I love the sense of being involved in something so much bigger than we are. I love going to sleep at night, with my window opened, listening to the cars racing out at Rosebowl.

I love reading quotes about life and love. I love that I can relate to so many of them. I love just going through pictures and remembering all the great times. I love looking at other people's art. I love reading what people think and how they feel. I love ICEE's and sunflower seeds. I love Saturday nights because dad normally makes fish and fries. I love a cold beer with great friends. I love doing new things and meeting new people.

I love watching Spirit run at night when I come home. I love seeing her happy. I love how Camo digs into his basket and finds that one special toy. I love when I wake up in the mornings and say something to him and he smiles at me and lays his head against mine. I love coming home to Kami and Malley and how happy they are to see me. I love waking up with them giving me kisses. I love how Bella lays around my head at night when I sleep and how she purrs as she falls asleep. I love how Casey puts her paws around my waist everytime I see her like she's hugging me. I love how Hunter man rolls over and just wants to be petted on his belly.

I love the feeling I get when I'm told I'm beautiful. I love hearing sweet things, but I love it when that person means it more. I love how it feels when I finish something I've been working on for awhile. I love to feel important to the people I care about. I just love all the sweet and beautiful things in life. And, I love that I do. =]