I Survived!

The only thing that keeps going through my mind is the sense of relief that I feel. Part of me hurts that I feel this way. That a year later I can just breathe, I have made it. I have survived many of the firsts without the love of my life, without the boy that still holds this huge part of my heart. It hurts because I know I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay and live my life without him. That one day I will fall in love, and I will marry again and I will find that person that I belong with. I have no doubt about that.

It may take awhile to find someone who can deal with my passion for racing, that will put up with my attitude and all my animals, but I know he's out there somewhere and that makes me very happy.

On May 27th last year I was being asked how many burial plots I needed. That is when it hit me. Life is a lot shorter than anyone really imagines. At 22 years old I had a burial plot next to my 23 year old husband, next to the boy that I have loved since I was 15.. I don't think anything in my life has scared me more than that.

In a year I have found out who I am and that in itself is amazing. I didn't realize just how lost I was until the past few weeks. I can look back and see how far I have come and with whose help I have had to come this far.

At one point in my life I had a house, a husband, my own daycare and I loved it. I was content, then my life was ripped apart by drugs. I have never touched drugs in my life, so I never understood the hold it has on people. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it, how we had everything one moment and lost it all the next. Everytime we'd get three steps ahead, he'd pull us five steps back. We could never keep stability in our lives. He could never stay away from it. There were many times when I thought I wasn't good enough for him, that he didn't love me enough to step away from it and keep our marriage from falling apart. That's something I'll always wonder.

I will always have questions and I still have regrets, but if I've learned anything in the past year it's that I have to close this chapter of my life and keep moving to the next. He'll always be in my heart and he will always be my first love but I know he wouldn't want me to keep holding onto him that I can't move on with my own life.

I can't say it enough, thanks to those of you that have stood by me through all the ups and downs, all my crazy emotional times. You have been the rock that I have needed and I'll never be able to tell you all how much I appreciate it. I have lost a lot of family and a few people I considered friends since he died, but I have gained so much more. I hope every single one of you know that I will always be here for you anytime you need me.

I love you all so much. I completely believe that all my best days are ahead of me and I can't wait to share every bit of it with you. =]