The hardest parts

The hardest parts are waking up in the morning and realizing that I have to go another day without seeing him. Another day without hearing his voice, or anything.. Just another day.

The worst part is seeing a movie being shown on TV, like today.. the new GI JOE movie was showing and I actually thought before I even realized it that Richard and I should go watch it. Then it dawned on me that Richard isn't here to watch the movie with me. It dawned on me that he'd never be able to enjoy them again. It dawned on me that we'll never get to enjoy anything together again. It's hard to not resent couples, I know I shouldn't but I do. It's hard to look at families.. enjoying each other.

We went to the balloon glow last night and just walking through all the balloons and seeing couples hand in hand and young couples with kids just broke my heart. That was supposed to be us. He was supposed to be a daddy. He was supposed to have a little boy that he had dreamed of naming Christopher.

The other day I was thinking about the day that he proposed to me. I never suspected it. It was January 7, 2005. Ironically, his mothers birthday. I don't think it was planned.. I never asked, but from what mom tells me about the day that he picked out my ring he was a nervous wreck. I don't know why, but he was worried about me saying no. Mom went with him, and he had to have the ring that day, it had to be done then. She said he was shaking and everything. Well. I was at home, so sick that when I lifted my head I had to lay it back down, I was throwing up, had the worst headache and had the body aches. He came home and he was antsy. He came up to my bed and sat down beside me and told me I had to take him to Gladewater to go get his check. I told him to have mom take him, I wasn't moving. He didn't have a truck then and his license was suspended so he couldn't drive. I wasn't driving so I had mom and dad take us. I'm telling you, I felt like pure crap. Then we pull up into Lake Gladewater. I couldn't figure out why we were there and he said, "uhh, uhh, I'm having my boss meet me here." I didn't know why we just didn't go to their house, it was closer than the lake, but whatever. So we get to the lake and he makes me get out of the car. He leads me to one of the tables and sits me down and he gets down on his knee.. I was like what the hell are you doing? He just looked at me and asked me to marry him. He was shaking, still. I couldn't beleive I ruined the moment, but afterwards it was pretty funny.

We came home and it was about 10:00 and he called everyone he could think of and told everyone we were getting married. I remember laying in bed and thinking, wow, he really does love me. He's so excited. He called people he hadn't talked to in years just to let them know he was going to be a married man.

Just random thoughts, but I feel better getting them out.