Still incredibly angry.

As the sixth week of losing my husband is right around the corner, I still find myself so incredibly angry. Angry with myself, angry at the people he was with, angry with God. I know some of you won't understand why I'm so angry at God. I went to Church with Dad today and it was our churches homecoming. 111 years. Amazing, right? It was pure torture for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the people there and the atmosphere but listening to everyones testimonies on how God is so great and how He answers every prayers, made me sick. If God had answered my prayer my husband wouldn't be 6 feet under the ground. He would still be with me and my life wouldn't feel so out of control. I don't understand how God is so great, yet he just took my husband from me at 23 years old. He stole my future from me and turned my life upside down. I'm so mad. I feel like such a hypocrite for even going to church right now feeling the way I do. Everyone says it's normal, I don't know if it is or not.

Some of you have openly expressed the fact that I should be more positive. A lot of you have. I understand you're probably tired of reading how mad, upset, or negative life is but like I said previously, my life has just been turned upside down without any notice. The one person I loved in this world more than myself was just taken from me. The person I have loved for years and helped each other through everything is suddenly gone. I know I'll see him again but just going through day to day troubles, I can't just pick up the phone and hear his voice and hear him reassuring me and telling me he loves me. I have tried, and realized he's no longer going to be on the end of the line. I feel like I no longer have any control over my life at all.. I no longer have control over my feelings. I can't sleep at night without having to take medicine to stay asleep all night, that way I don't stay awake and think of everything I could have done, should have done to still have my husband here with me. Until you lose someone this close to you, a spouse, you have no idea how it feels to have your world ripped apart and not able to do anything except try to make it day to day.

To those of you who feel this overwhelming desire to put pictures of you and my husband on your pages, you can do so.. but know that I know what type of friends you were and know that you know what type of friend you were to him. Putting a picture up of you and him will not erase the fact that you didn't help him the way you should have. I hope that it means the guilt of knowing you had a hand in leading up to his death is tearing you apart, I hope you can't sleep knowing that you could have helped him, and led him down a different path or at the least bit - tried to have helped him if you didn't succeed then that's understandable but just trying would have made losing him a little bit easier.. I have regrets that are bothering me, and feel guilty for things I had done and didn't do but atleast I have that little bit of satisfaction knowing that I did what I could to help him over the years that I did help him.

I hope that through losing him, losing this person you have so claimed to have loved will help you change your life. If it doesn't, then you really didn't love him at all, did you?

And, no, this isn't directed to anyone in particular, I'm so very sorry if you take it that way but that wasn't how it was meant to be.. and if you do take it as being directed to you then oh freaking well.

I'm a little bitter.