Day Four..

Somedays are harder than others, some nights are as well. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm so restless. Not sure which direction I want to go. I want a new job, I hate the one I have but there isn't anyone hiring.. I can't wait to start college. I think, right now.. I would love to be anywhere, doing anything different than what I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I hate this feeling. I miss my home. I miss my job, taking care of all my babies.. 7-4,5 and having weekends off. You never truly realize what you have until it's gone. It's one of the harshest realities in life. I know, I have to say atleast one thing that's positive.. I did have a good day. I worked from 10-2, came home and checked the internet out. Then went outside and laid out on the deck with mom for a few hours by the pool. It was too cold to be in the pool though. The dogs lounged around with us then we made some shrimp. It was a good day. I'm just in one of those moods, again.. tonight. =[

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Way to go Tony!

On your first win with your new team! The 2009 All Star race!

THAT is the highlight of my day. Day THREE!

Way to go, Dale Jr on finishing 10th.

Picture time!

See, should have brought her a sprinkler!




I wasn't kidding whenever I said that she jumped in all by herself! She was just a-layin-there, all pretty lookin! =]




Malley..




One I took the other day of Moo Cow and daddy!






Bella!




Hunter!


Camo!



Sweet Babies!




Gonna have to figure out why they're so big and not showing completely.. but that's a task for another day. I'm about to head to bed. Good night!

Day Two..

It's Friday, so tomorrow is my Monday. Yuck. I know, I have to think of atleast one thing positive to write here. There's more than one thing today that is positive but I'll start with the thing I'm most proud of. How about that Dale Earnhardt, Jr and 88 team today?! 4th! We didn't short pit, we didn't miss our pit, we didn't mess up during the pit and we are starting 4th tomorrow night! Way to go everyone!

What is that saying? "Can't beat 'em, join 'em." Well, how about this one said by a fellow pitboarder.. "Can't beat 'em, wreck 'em." Of course, its the typical move by Kyle Busch that results in two trucks being torn up, because he's behind them. KUDOS to NASCAR for seeing that and sending him to the tail end of the longest line!

I actually got up today in a good mood, and we went to town. I haven't even wanted to get out of my PJ's over the past couple of days so this was a big step for me. [pat me on the back. or give me a cookie! =].. just kiddin'] I'm in a much better mood, still tonight. We went tanning, and I fried. No lyin'. My legs are as red as Kasey Khane's car.. and my arms are just as red, my freckles are even blending in! YAY! I'm not the color of a ghost anymore, I just look like a tomato! We went to eat, Walmart - I bought Casey and Hunter a pool.. but that was a waste of $10. Should have bought a damn sprinkler. Casey seemed to enjoy biting at the water, more than she did getting into the dang pool. I even got in with her but apparently that wasn't good enough for the dog! Hunter, of course had nothing to do with it. He'll step all in the bucket for the little dogs and make it muddy, but he won't step in a nice clean pool! GO FIGURE!

I even got in the pool with the parentals and had fun! Kami and Malley got in with me and even one point Kami [my 3 lb Chihuahua] jumped into the pool on her own and landed on the floatie! Very scary, but atleast we were out there with her!

Anyways, very proud of Dale Jr and that 88 team, hope it can carry over tomorrow and have a great ALL STAR RACE! WOO!

I work the next two days, which is okay.. I'd enjoy working Saturday and Sundays [can you see me shaking my head no?] but I'll get through it. Sundays are actually easier, I'm in charge and get off at 2! WOO! Then I'm off Monday and Tuesday.. then I work the next 8 days until my next two days off.. Then we should be a little closer to my 10 day VACATION in Destin, Florida! Sitting on the beach, parasailing, fishing.. boogie boarding.. snorkeling and I hope there's a margarita or two thrown in there.

Until next time! =]

Kandice

Day One..

I've spent the last two days in bed. I'm starting to feel a little better. Tuesday was a terrible day. I finally gave in and decided to go to the doctor for some help.. any kind of help. I've gotten to where I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Some days are better than others, but that day I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So the past two days that I've been taking my new medication, and I can't believe I actually had to go that far as to getting help.. but the past two days I've done nothing but been asleep. I can't function so I guess this medicine wasn't meant for me. I'm just going to have to force myself to enjoy the day.. to get up and do anything productive. I know my life doesn't suck this bad, and I'm just making it worse. So I'm going to try and find something nice in the day to day crap.

Day one.

I'm thinking... I think that the good thing out of today was that none of us found any snakes.. or they didn't find us.. and my dogs have been so loving.. I don't know what I'd do without them or my family.

The Smoke Show..

I'm counting down the days! I can't wait until I get to meet him again.






Myspace Countdowns, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com

What a day..

My thoughts and prayers are with Kevin Grubbs family, friends and fans..I didn't know much about this young man other than he was a race car driver. I remember him and it's so sad to know that this man felt he couldn't get out of the life he was living. I don't know what all happened so I'm not going to speculate anymore. I just feel terrible for his family and all the questions they probably have right now, and knowing more than anything that there will never be any answers to them.


There is nothing more that scares me because a person I have loved for many years is headed right back down this road... well I say that. I'm not exactly sure if he hasn't been back into drugs for awhile now, but I'm just recently finding out about it. So, everyday I go through the motions of trying to make it day to day all the while having it in the back of my head that maybe something is wrong.. I may just end up getting a phone call saying that my husband is dead. It's terrible. I can't imagine actually getting that call. I know I can't be with him, and we will be filing for divorce soon.. but I've been there for him for 8 years and I have always had his back. Even when he was into drugs and all the trouble he got into while into it.. but I have just kicked him to the curb and even though I felt like I knew a part of him - the clean side of him.. I don't know how much he can take, or how much pressure he's feeling, or what his breaking point could be and that terrifies me. As much as I know I can't be with him, I can't be brought down time and time again after building myself back up year after year after year. It gets so monotonous and god it gets frustrating. I can't be his momma forever, right? He has one. A horrible mother, but he has one and I can't become a second one and that's what I've been for him. I've been the one he's leaned against and the one who's kept him in a straight line and sadly, for years I was content in being that person.. but I guess I have figured out that I have a lot more to offer in life than just being his wife.


There's nothing they could have done to prevent this man's death. As sad as it is, it got the better of him and nothing would have been able to deter him from using. My husband used to make the comments that he was clean for me.. and our marriage, but he never said it was for him. In the back of my mind I knew it would never last because of that reason alone. The day he could say, honestly [which nothing but lies ever came out of his mouth so I'm surprised he didn't just lie to me] he had gotten clean for himself and himself only, I could have faith in him and actually could have gotten on with our lives.We would go six months clean, together, happy.. then we would go six months with him using, not together and definitly not happy.. I don't know why it took me eight years to figure this out but I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle.. and apparently he thought I could handle it. Somedays I can and others I just want to say, I can't, just quit and give in. I hate feeling this way.

I get so mad at him and I cuss him for everything he's worth.. I know, isn't that terrible? I have my excuses, but when I go to write them down... It doesn't excuse it.. so the next thing I'm going to do is text him and let him know that I'm sorry for everything mean I have said. Just for peace of mind I guess, if I do lose him I don't want my last words to be cussing him out and saying things I shouldn't have ever said - no matter if he hurt me or not, or provoked me or not..

I've realized that you really shouldn't take life for granted. It's been a sad, sad day.

Millions of Admirers

I wrote this a few years ago [January 1, 2007] and I still feel the same way. Forever a fan of Dale Jr!

I don't know how you do it,
millions of admirers, well wishers and fans..
So many places to be, so little time
and it's just you, one man.
The thanks we get every week is you...
...that infamous wink,
or that big smile at the end of the interview.
We can't wait for Fridays to get here..
sitting in front of the TV, waiting for them to say your name
hoping we wont miss out..
on everything..or just anything!

Outside of that, when I tell of my passion,
people laugh in my face...
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't hurt my feelings.
I just look at them and tell them to watch one race..

It's not just forty-three drivers going around a track.
It's the passion to win, the will to drive.
The mentality to keep up, and the talent to come from the back.
Driving three wide, inches apart...
risking your life every second
it all has to be apart of you, deep inside your heart.

I have been forever captured as one of your fans
I just wanted to thank you for everything you do.
Just remember every single day..
every time you start 'er up, we're praying for you.
For you to be okay, to have a great day, and be proud of yourself
and all of your accomplishments. You are a great man
with a heart of gold, the passion to win,
millions of admirers, well wishers and fans.

2009

I haven't blogged in a while and really don't know where to start. Things haven't been going very well this year for the 88 team. I'm not sure what it is, or even how long it'll take before it's fixed but I do know that I'll not stop supporting my driver and his team. If I'm dissapointed in the finishes and know that they can run better, then I can only imagine how Junior feels about this season. It's so frustrating when we know that he is capable of so much, he has the talent and the drive to win. It seems like he takes two steps forward and gets knocked back four more. I know they're trying to figure out whats wrong and I have faith that him, Rick, Tony Jr, and the rest of the personell will get it right and we'll start seeing that smile we saw at Talladega, again.

I've been through a lot over the past few months.. hell, it's been years. Sometimes I feel like things are never going to get better and then I guess I focus so much on racing and Dale Jr just to escape the reality of my own crappy life. I really don't understand how one person can have such an effect on another persons' mood. I don't know why I allow another person to dictate my moods as much as I have. Somedays I don't want to wake up. Other days the only reason I get out of bed is because I know I have to take care of my dogs and cat. If I don't, who will? It takes everything I have just to get to work. I hate my job but know I have to have it until I find a better one. I start college in the fall for photography and that's one thing I am really looking forward to. I've put it off and put it off for awhile because I was putting my wants and needs aside for others. I'm not anymore. I'm going to start doing things for me and me only. No more decisions based upon others, ever. I'm 22 years old and going through a divorce. I know we got married young and the past 8 years I've been more.. naive.. than I think anyone should ever be. It's sad when you realize you've been lied to since you were 15.. but shit happens I guess. I've grown up a lot over the past year, I just recently realized how much I had when he came back to me and our 'family' and I decided to let him go. I had to, I can't do another 8 years like the past 8 years have been. I don't have enough strength.

I know without my parents, the few friends I can trust, my dogs, cat and racing - I'd be completely lost. Life is a lot different lately and somedays I can't even function. Hopefully it won't be like this for too much longer and I can get on with my life.

I do have some neat things to look forward to though! In June I'm heading to Florida for a week of laying on the beach with my family, aunt, uncle and cousins! I can't wait. Then, August 4th - I'm headed to the Texas Motor Speedway for The Smoke Show! I won a $6,000 package at Fandango to go and meet Tony Stewart for his annual show! I get to do two ten lap sessions in a car and listening to Tony, I get three laps riding with him. We are going to be able to do Victory Lane, climb the fence, drivers intros and some other cool things. We also get breakfast, lunch and dinner with him as well. Oh! And I get a personalized fire suit. =] Very excited for it.

I hope to blog more often and I'll definitly let you all know how the smoke show goes. =]