What a day..

My thoughts and prayers are with Kevin Grubbs family, friends and fans..I didn't know much about this young man other than he was a race car driver. I remember him and it's so sad to know that this man felt he couldn't get out of the life he was living. I don't know what all happened so I'm not going to speculate anymore. I just feel terrible for his family and all the questions they probably have right now, and knowing more than anything that there will never be any answers to them.


There is nothing more that scares me because a person I have loved for many years is headed right back down this road... well I say that. I'm not exactly sure if he hasn't been back into drugs for awhile now, but I'm just recently finding out about it. So, everyday I go through the motions of trying to make it day to day all the while having it in the back of my head that maybe something is wrong.. I may just end up getting a phone call saying that my husband is dead. It's terrible. I can't imagine actually getting that call. I know I can't be with him, and we will be filing for divorce soon.. but I've been there for him for 8 years and I have always had his back. Even when he was into drugs and all the trouble he got into while into it.. but I have just kicked him to the curb and even though I felt like I knew a part of him - the clean side of him.. I don't know how much he can take, or how much pressure he's feeling, or what his breaking point could be and that terrifies me. As much as I know I can't be with him, I can't be brought down time and time again after building myself back up year after year after year. It gets so monotonous and god it gets frustrating. I can't be his momma forever, right? He has one. A horrible mother, but he has one and I can't become a second one and that's what I've been for him. I've been the one he's leaned against and the one who's kept him in a straight line and sadly, for years I was content in being that person.. but I guess I have figured out that I have a lot more to offer in life than just being his wife.


There's nothing they could have done to prevent this man's death. As sad as it is, it got the better of him and nothing would have been able to deter him from using. My husband used to make the comments that he was clean for me.. and our marriage, but he never said it was for him. In the back of my mind I knew it would never last because of that reason alone. The day he could say, honestly [which nothing but lies ever came out of his mouth so I'm surprised he didn't just lie to me] he had gotten clean for himself and himself only, I could have faith in him and actually could have gotten on with our lives.We would go six months clean, together, happy.. then we would go six months with him using, not together and definitly not happy.. I don't know why it took me eight years to figure this out but I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle.. and apparently he thought I could handle it. Somedays I can and others I just want to say, I can't, just quit and give in. I hate feeling this way.

I get so mad at him and I cuss him for everything he's worth.. I know, isn't that terrible? I have my excuses, but when I go to write them down... It doesn't excuse it.. so the next thing I'm going to do is text him and let him know that I'm sorry for everything mean I have said. Just for peace of mind I guess, if I do lose him I don't want my last words to be cussing him out and saying things I shouldn't have ever said - no matter if he hurt me or not, or provoked me or not..

I've realized that you really shouldn't take life for granted. It's been a sad, sad day.