He's working in mysterious ways

It's been a long, okay day. It's Fathers Day, we went to Church this morning and went out to visit Richard. I did okay during church I wasn't sure how I would handle it because it was the last place I saw my husband. The last place I kissed him and it will be the place I go to for years to come to be close to him. As soon as church was over, I went to him and I just lost it. I always let it all out when I'm there but I feel so much better. I feel like he's there with me.

I came home and sat outside for awhile. Just sitting in a daze. I've been doing that a lot lately, but it's okay. I gave Casey and Hunter Man a bath. It was weird because Hunter actually let me bathe him without fighting me. I like to think I had help, because this dog normally freaks out on me. I could actually picture Richard standing there holding him for me.

I played with the dogs for awhile, the cats.. we spent time with Moo Cow and went and seen the chickens. They're getting big!

8:00 neared and night was growing closer. We had already talked about going out to his site because we put a solar light out there and we wanted to see if it worked.

Dad came in and was standing behind the couch, behind his normal spot at night, with the shower warming up he was watching whatever we had on the tv. Mom was sitting in the floor cleaning out her purse. She stood up and walked over to me, with her hand folded and asked, "does this mean anything to you?" With her hand open she showed me what she had found and I just kept staring at it.

I honestly could not make this kind of thing up in a million years. I just kept staring, she asked me a couple more times and wanted to know if I was okay.

In her hand she held two earrings. One of which I had for years, but had never worn; a diamond cross. The other one was one that Richard had bought me for my last birthday; a pink stone.

Things like this have a huge significance for me, it may not to anyone else, but two earrings, one of which I never wore and another one that I wore all the time.

He's still here. I know that if I can't see him, can't hear him, can't have him near then I will take these crazy kinda things happening to me over nothing.

Four Weeks Tomorrow

Almost four weeks has gone by and there's not a moment I'm not thinking about him, or wishing he was here. There's not a moment when my heart doesn't ache. I can still pass by Wendy's, or Jack in the Box, McDonald's, Taco Bell, Walmart, the Dollar Store.. anywhere and can remember so many times we sat in there eating after work.. or strolling the isles at the stores and having something funny happen.. I know I'm going to have these memories forever but right now it's killing me. Everything I do reminds me of him. It's hard sitting in my living room and not reliving the day we got married in this house.. or the many Christmases that we had.. or just laying around and watching TV.

I have yet to watch our home videos, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see how he once was.. I'm not sure if I can handle hearing his voice, but it's the one thing I wish to hear daily. Doesn't make sense, but I didn't say I made any lately.
So much has happened, I feel like my mind has completely fried. I can't remember doing things, saying things, what someone has just told me, or what I have just done. It's ridiculous.

I have been very comforted over the past couple of days. We went out a few days ago and took pictures for his mom. I was completely against it at first, but now I'm glad we did.. Mom took the pictures while I stood there and she went to go pick up some flowers on someone elses grave and I took the camera from her. I reviewed the pictures and this calm, peaceful wave just settled on me and I started crying. In every single picture was this bright, beautiful magenta cross. Like he was saying, "I'm here, I'm okay." I knew he was in Heaven, but seeing this just magnified that feeling and I know he knows how much I loved him and I know he's here with me.



A couple of other things have happened, things I can't explain and things that would make me look crazy.. but I know that he's by my side every night when I lay down to sleep and that makes me feel so much better.

I can picture him laying on his side with one arm around me and his other playing with my hair.. like he did many nights over the past 8 years. He used to play with my hair and rub my face when he couldn't sleep. He used to tell me he loved to watch me sleep. I loved him so much. God, I miss him.



He made this for me a few years ago, I pulled it out of a box the other day and I'll be putting it in sight so I can remember just how much he loved me.

Just Another Day..

It started out terrible. I went to work for 30 minutes only to realize I wasn't ready. I haven't cried that much in a few days and I felt so sick. I came home and slept the day away. If it weren't for my parents, family, friends and his and my babies I would probably give up and give in. That is exactly how I felt today. Ready just to give up. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go through this life without him by my side. I know he's watching over me and I know he'd want me to be okay.. but some days are so hard I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't feel I'm worthy enough some times to even be capable of getting out of bed and moving on with my life when he's no longer here and not able to.

We took some flowers out tonight, mom made him a really pretty arrangement.. and we sat out there for awhile. The sun set and it was absolutely beautiful. The only place it shone through was the trees behind him, and it just stayed right over top of him, shining on him. Like he was telling me he was there with me. I know I want him to show me that he's here, and that sounds crazy.. but I feel like he is, and he's guiding me in some weird way.

The other day I wrote about how Richard would straighten my hair whenever I was taking my sweet time getting ready to go out, he would just grab the straightener and take over while talking to me and while I put on my makeup. I wrote that a day or two into our vacation in Florida. I knew that if he knew that I had told people and if he were still here he would have had a shit fit. The next day I get up to go straighten my hair only to find that my damn straightener wasn't working. I plugged it into every plug in the house and the light never came on. So thanks to him, I'm pretty sure it was his doing, I'm stuck with a POS Walmart one.. if he only remembered how much mom paid for my stupid Chi.

Today marks the first day in years that I have actually had a decent conversation with my mother in law, and for some reason it actually makes me feel so much better. I'll never understand how she has done what she has done, but I have this terrible trait of not letting go of things. We would have still been together, and I guarantee you he'd still be here had I found a way to forgive him for the past. I couldn't get passed some of the things he had done to me and to himself, and I made it hell on him. That'd be the first thing I'd take back if I could. Especially when it came to his mom, because I knew how much he loved her, but I still made it hard when it came to her and I. She was no picnic either, but I should have known better.

I guess, more than anything, it makes it better because she finally.. after all these years, told me that she knew I was good for him.. and I was good enough for him. I never felt good enough for her son, in her eyes.. I knew I was, but she never let me into 'her' life. The rest of the family had accepted me with open arms and if it weren't for Aunt Cindy, Uncle Jim, Alisa and David, I would have felt like a complete outcast the whole time we were together.

I hope we can keep our conversations civil and I hope that maybe one day we can have the relationship we've never had.. only because we loved the same person completely in our own ways.

I sent her a picture of his monument, it'll be out there soon and she actually liked it. I was shocked that she was so happy and liked it, she thought it was beautiful. I just knew she'd hate it.. but it's him.

I was searching for something I had lost today and I came across the last card he'd given me. I remember sitting there at work and I was so upset because it was Valentines Day and I hadn't heard from him. I was at lunch sitting by myself, and I got a phone call and it was him. He was telling my Happy Valentines Day and he told me how beautiful I looked sitting there all alone.. and how he wished he was with me. I hadn't told him I was at lunch, so I look up and look towards the door and there he was standing there with something behind his back and that beautiful grin on his face. He gave me the biggest hug, told me how much he missed me, loved me, and how happy he was to be there. He handed me the card and I didn't want to read it then because I knew I'd cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.. but I peeked at it while he was in line getting food.. It's one of those when you open it, it sings. It scared the crap out of me, I shut it really fast and looked towards him and he had the biggest grin on his face and then started laughing. He came back to the table and said, "So I see you read it, do you like it?" I loved it. Words couldn't describe how much I loved it. It was Martina McBrides song.. I have Been Blessed.

I have been blessed. I was blessed completely the day he walked into my life. Knowing what I know now, and some of you will probably think I'm crazy, I'd go through it all again. That is how much I loved him. I loved him more than life and I always will. Always and forever as we'd always say.


I guess after the long day I've had, it's nice to be able to talk to her despite all the problems because she's one of my last links to my husband.. the person I'll love for the rest of my life.

Back to reality..

I've only been home for two hours, but let me tell you.. it already sucks. I don't know if I want to sleep in my bed yet in my house alone, or sleep in my old bed upstairs in my parents house. The only way I've been getting any sleep lately is taking Tylenol PM. If I don't, I just lie awake for hours on end reliving the past few horrible weeks. It'll be three weeks monday and while some times when I say that it seems like it's flown by.. then other times I think the days couldn't drag on any longer than what they are at that very moment. I used to love taking nice, long, hot showers.. but now I actually dread it. I used to use those times just to think.. to plan my next day and make a mental list of what I need to get done.. now all I can think about is sitting there in front of that doctor listening to him say, "he's dead, he's been gone for a few hours." Me, sitting there with a blank look on my face, screaming, "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" I know I had to have looked like a complete idiot and probably fit in well with my mother in law, but that's the only words I could manage to squeeze out at that moment. Remembering the Chaplain telling me the moment I had arrived in the room, that they bring him on for occasions such as these.. and it never dawned on me that my husband was dead. I don't know why, but when things happened to him, my initial reaction, or feelings were that of anger.. I guess it's my nature, but I always get angry before I get worried or upset. I just knew I was going to get to walk into that hospital room and jump his ass for whatever reason he was in there.. not to mention the DWI he got the night before. I just knew it. It never even hit me that I'd never get to hear his voice again or have him hug me, kiss me, hold me.. anything.

We had planned months ago to go on vacation to Florida. We decided to go even after everything that has happened. I thought maybe it would help.. but then I come home to the reminders that my husband is really gone. His boots sitting in my doorway, that he'll never wear again. The plants and flowers, only reminders that we had to bury him.. the pictures that we put up near his casket.. again, terrible reminders.. I'm not sure if I should keep all of this in sight or put it up. Some moments I don't want the reminders, then I feel like if it's all put away, I feel like I can't breathe.. I want the reminders. I can't tell if I'm coming or going anymore.

I just want to go a few hours, without reliving that horrible day. Without hearing those words being replayed in my head over and over again. Without remembering how cold and hard he was when I touched him.. without remembering the smell.. without remembering his funeral, and without hearing those songs that remind me of him. Without the what-ifs, without wondering how I'm going to go on with my life because I don't know how to. I just wish I could cut all the cords to my brain that help me think. I'm tired of thinking. God, I'm tired of thinking.

Some people don't know what to say to someone when they suffer a loss. I'll tell you what not to say, but only because I'm being ugly right now. If your spouse is still alive, still breathing, still able to communicate to. Whether it be by phone, texting, email, snail mail.. any of the above - DO NOT tell me you know how I feel and do not even try and compare the two. Once your wife or your husband is no longer walking around, breathing.. once they are put in a casket, once they have to have makeup on to cover the color that they have turned, once you bury them and know that the hump in the ground means that he's really buried under it.. once you look at the marker and the only thing left of them says their name, date or birth and date of death.. the only way of feeling close to them is sitting beside their grave.. Do not tell me you know how I feel because until then, you have no clue.

If you have that luxury of being able to look forward to doing something with them, talking to them, just being with them.. then you have no clue what it is like to look at your future and not see them there. At all. Ever again.

Last night in Florida..

Tonight is our last night in Florida and I can already feel the overwhelming sadness take over once again. I am not ready to go back home and deal with anything. I know I have to call a lot of people in Austin and let him know he passed away. I have to write a thousand thank you letters, I should have done that sooner.. I have mail piling up of his that I have to figure out what to do with. It's just overwhelming.. scary and sad.. I have to figure out how to one day restart my life and that scares me more than anything. I've got to start getting everything ready for college. Something I should have done a long time ago, but I always seem to put it off and now that time is getting closer and closer. I finally found a good book yesterday. I'm going to get off here and start reading again. Goodnight.

Death Of Husband And Father, Family Death Poems

Death Of Husband And Father, Family Death Poems

Who does this?

We're at Big Kahunas in Florida, it's a waterpark. Standing in line with about 100 other people, holding our tubes and waiting to go down the slide.. and without warning I just start crying, trying to be as quiet as I can and not draw any attention I just cry. Who does this? Who stands in the middle of a crowd and feels so alone and the sadness just seems to creep and take over. There was a guy in the wave pool, that was about 16 or 17 that was wearing a life jacket. The life jacket was for the little kids, but I was watching him and his girlfriend and it hit me like a ton of bricks, Richard would have done the same embarrassing thing. He used to do things like that just to embarrass the crap out of me. He loved it. On that ride that I just started crying on, I think it was because we always did stuff like that together. We never went down as singles, we always had our double tubes and he'd try and wipe us out or tip us over. I caught myself thinking about it and wishing he'd just walk up behind me and wrap his arms around me. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm so tired of thinking about the next things in life. I'm just going through the motions right now, just having to get through one thing to get to the next. Some days I don't even see the point but I know I have to. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again. I don't see that far into my future. Everyone keeps telling me I'll be dating again soon and I don't see that. What guy is going to want a 22 year old widow, with 5 dogs and a cat that is a nascar fan? I just don't see it.

Asking God Why, Family Death Poems

Asking God Why, Family Death Poems

Today..

My cousin sent me this in an email and it fits me perfectly.

I can't numb the pain with distractions and busyness; as soon as I lie still, I'm left alone with my thoughts. I'm so used to crying now that i just let the tears stream down my face and soak my pillow case. Eventually i fall asleep. In the morning I have a few peaceful seconds before i remember the way things are, and then i have to face it all over again and try to make it through another day pretending everything is okay. But nothing is okay. I just can't keep going on like this. It hurts too much. But those times at night, when i can't escape my thoughts any longer, i keep wondering why God allowed this to happen? And my tears are both sad and angry, till i finally fall asleep again.
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I had decided to start going to church and actually go to a counselor or someone to help me sort through my feelings. I can't figure out if I'm sad, hurt, or mad as I can be. Some days I want revenge, other days I just want to lay down and forget about it all, but I know I can't. I know I have to keep going until I know exactly how he died. The rumors that are floating around and the amount of people who think someone had a part in this, I can't just sit still and not find justice for him. No matter how much finding out what he was doing these past couple of weeks hurt. I know he would be so ashamed if he knew I knew it all.
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I wrote this one of the first nights after he died..

I have never felt this way before, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act.. or what I'm even going to do. I have spent the last 8 years loving someone more than life. I have helped him so many times and he's overcome some of the hardest times in his life with me. Anytime something happened to him, he always came back to me. I took that for granted. No matter what we said to each other, no matter how we said it, no matter what he would always use that little smirk to get himself out of trouble and it always worked. No matter what he did or how mad I was, he could always warm my heart again. He loved our little family more than anything. Even when we were seperated he would call several times a day or during the week just to tell me to give his babies love. He was like a proud daddy when he bought Camo for me. We snuck him into so many places, Richard loved it. When we first got him we snuck him into Brookshires, Tejas and Eckerds [now CVS] and showed him to everyone. Okay, so it really wasn't sneaking. Everyone loved him. Richard taught Camo how to smile, anyime Camo got into trouble, he'd come up to us and show us his front teeth and that was his way out of trouble. He was so proud of that.

When we had our second baby, Kali, Richard worked several days to get her, we didn't have the $300 to buy her at the time since we had just moved into our house.. but he worked building kennels at the place she was and surprised me with her. He even put a pink ribbon around her. When she died, he stayed with me for a little while just to calm me down, then went around midnight and picked her up and drove all the way to my parents house to bury her. Just because we knew if we moved, she'd be somewhere where we could always visit her. He buried her and came back home to me and the babies and helped me bottle feed her puppies.

He was up with me every two hours helping bottle feed Kami and Malley. They were our children, we bottle fed them, took pictures of everything and Richard even videotaped some of their firsts. I remember him laying in the floor with them when they were first learning to walk.. and he kept saying, "babe, watch this.. aww.. watch that.." I can still hear him laughing everytime they fell over, or wobbled into a piece of furniture. Their first time on the grass, he made sure we videotaped it. Their first time in the snow, he made sure I got it. Their first time in the pool, we had to have pictures. He loved them so much.

I'll never forget when he brought Casey home. He made me promise to not name her anything NASCAR related. HEck, I was going to name her something Dale Jr related but he through a fit. It just so happened that Casey Mears won his first NASCAR Nationwide race that day, and I knew that Richard would never suspect that, so I just told him I wanted to name her Casey. It was a year later when I told him and he laughed so hard. It was too late for him to change her name then! After the first couple of days, once Casey got used to us and the house, and the first time she chewed through the dry wall in the washroom, Richard wanted to take her down and have her stomach xrayed just to see what all she was eating. She was into everything! She was chewing the wood off the side of the walls in the bathroom. That girl was a mess.

At Alisa and Shawn's wedding, I had talked to Alisa and I had first pick for one of their puppies. I was so excited. Then, just like Richard.. he shows up with the cutest little black Lab and said, "aww babe, look at him. I just couldn't leave him! How can you say no to this cute wittle face." There was no way I could refuse so that's when Hunter joined our ever growing family. I'll never forget the first time we took Casey and Hunter out on the boat with us. We were waiting for his mom and aunt to come down to the dock to go tubing with us. Hunter grew impatient pretty fast and decided to dive into the water. It wasn't a second later and Richard was jumping in after him. He was so mad. That was the nastiest part of the lake and he was jumping in after that dog. It was hilarious. I smile just thinking about it. It was so nasty that I had to take Hunter to the vet for ear infections!

After we got Casey, about a year before Hunter joined us. There was a cat sitting on our front porch one day. I went out to check on it and it was really, really sick. I did all I could for that baby, but we ended up having to call animal control because we were afraid it had a disease and could have hurt our babies. He knew how upset I was because they said they were going to have to put it down if it didn't die before they got back to the office. A week later, probably not even that. Richard and Jeremy went out of town, and I was expecting them back that night, but he came to my side of the bed, said, "hey babe, look what I got for you.." and handed me the cutest little kitten I had ever seen. She was scared to death, and rightfully so.. Richard had just chased her for about an hour because she escaped out of the truck when they opened the door. He hated her, the first week he had gotten the bright idea to put tape on her paws and put her down on the floor.. it was so mean, but it was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It's weird.. he didn't like her, but the past few times he had come back home, he would spend so much time loving on her.

He hated that I loved NASCAR as much as I do.. he dreaded Sundays because he knew that I would be in front of the TV cheering on my guy.. but he always loved going out to the track. He did so much, went so out of his way to get my autographs of my favorite guys. He would get so excited whehn he got an autograph. In 2007, before we got to the track he told me he was going to get Dale Jr's autograph. When he said something he was determined, he usually always got his way. He was all over pit road in search of Dale Jr. And it just so happened that he won the pole, Richard found out exactly where he was and I'll be damned if he didn't get Dale Jr's autograph. Then he took off running, I couldn't figure out what he was doing.. he came back to me and tried to get the camera and said he was going to get a picture with Dale Jr. I was like, "the hell you are, if anyone's getting a dang picture with him, it'll be me!" haha.

We had some really good times.. I will always be his wife and I know how much he loved me and our family. No one will ever be able to take that away from me. You can try, but you'll never succeed. There were two sides of Richard, one side he never let me see. He protected me from it and I'll always cherish that. I got the side of Richard that was the best, the most caring and loving.

The last call I got from him, he told me how much he loved me and missed me and how much he hated living in that apartment. I wish I had told him to come home. I would give anything to go back a week and bring my husband home.

Every night, before we went to sleep he would roll over and kiss me on the lips, then the forehead, tell me he loved me and sweet dreams. Every single night. That's a memory I will hold forever in my heart. So, I love you and sweet dreams baby.

Monday, June 8, 2009 - more memories.

So, day one in Florida hasn't gone all that great. There were just so many good times here. We drove past a lot of the places that Richard and I had been too, and all of these memories come flooding back.. and it was too much to handle so I have just cried pretty much all day. I had been doing well until now. I guess due to the fact that I really haven't left the house since he died except to go to the funeral home, church and walmart in almost two weeks. We drove past a movie gallery, and I remember the last time we were here it was raining one night so we decided to go rent a movie. He's so picky when it comes to movies, or maybe I was because we could rarely decide on a movie together, so it took almost 45 minutes before we finally decided on what we were going to get. We went to the counter to check out and they wouldn't let us because we didn't have a membership. It didn't matter that we had one in Texas, Florida is completely different. So, we left there and went across the street to the grocery store to look for a movie and couldn't find one so we just got some snacks and he bought me some cokes.

We were headed out and I spotted this cute little dog store. It had the cutest little shirts in there and some of the cutest beds and accessories. I remember he found this adorable shirt for Camo, it was a shirt that was leather and it said Harley Dude on it and we almost bought it until he looked at the tag and it was $30, he put it back real fast like he thought he was going to break it. You know that saying, break and you buy.. Well I had been preaching that to him all week because we had been to all the Wing Stops.. and looking at all the knick knacks and stuff. Richard was really bad about picking breakable things up and not being really gentle with it, so I was always behind him making sure he didn't break it and that he sat it back where it went. haha. Walmart was the hardest on me, because we spent hours in there.. just checking out all the neat things that our walmart didn't have.


We went to the beach today, a few hours after we got here and just sitting there watching the waves come in, and watching everyone with their boyfriends and husbands just made me want to yell at them and tell them to appreciate it. I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it.. and now that it's gone it's tearing me up inside. You know, there was always that chance for us to get back together and work things out, now that chance is completely gone. I mean, even when we were seperated.. not even a month ago we were talking about fixing things. He was willing to go to a counselor but I was too damn stubborn and set in my ways to give in yet again and get my heart stomped all over, again. He was talking about getting a house, and a big backyard for Casey and Hunter to run in.. now Casey and Hunter won't ever get to play catch with their daddy.. [or keep away as Hunter does]..EVER again. This reality hits me over and over again and each time it hits harder than the previous. This ache in my heart seems to grow by every passing minute. The reality that I'm going to keep going through life and Richard isn't, keeps hitting and it's almost too much to bear. The fact that I'm going to have to eventually deal with loss, again, without him tears me up. The loss of our babies is going to be dealt with on my own. It's just not fair.


The little things that used to irritate me.. the little things he did on purpose just to get a rise out of me.. I wish I had them again. I would give anything for him to get out of the shower, completely naked and walk into the bedroom soaking wet asking for a towel that was in the same room with him used to irritate the hell out of me. He knew where it was, I think he was just showing off. If the towel didn't smell clean, he'd pull out of nice clean t-shirt our of the drawer and use that.. and not even well at that. He'd get into the bed soaking wet and lay on top of me. That drove me nuts! I would give anything for that now! He'd cuddle with me, and he'd throw his right leg over top of me and lay his head on my back, he'd tell me that he just loved listening to my heartbeat.. and listening to me breathe.. but I'd burn up. He would give me backrubs for hours.. and sometimes I think he did it subconsciously in the middle of the night and I don't think he ever realized it. What I would give to have him laying beside me now.. just listening to him breathe. I remember for years, I would lay on his chest and listen to him breathe in and out and try staying in rythym with him. He used to laugh so hard at me, because our breathing was completely different.. he always breathed so slow.. that I'd have to catch my breath again and start all over.


Who am I going to call when I do something stupid? Who am I going to call when something good happens to me.. which right now seems as far away as the possibility of finding someone else does right now..? Who am I going to call when something happens to the babies, or they do something so cute?


I can be in the room with 20 other people and the lonlieness tears me up inside.. that emptiness overshadows any other feeling I'm capable of having at this very moment. It almost still seems like Richard is out doing his thing.. and I still feel like I can call and talk to him whenever I want.. the fact remains though that his body is 6 ft under ground in a casket.. but yet that doesn't seem right. I know it's only been two weeks so the newness is still there. I just can't get over this feeling. I go to sleep just so I can dream of him.. dreaming is better than reality. I hadn't dreamed about him until the last two nights and now that I'm dreaming of him going to sleep is so much more peaceful than what it was a few days ago.

Thursday, June 4, 2009 - literally heartbroken.

I'm living my worst nightmare. my heart is actually aching. I wish my mind would stop wandering.. I wish I could get through the day without the what-ifs.. without thinking about anything.. without hearing the doctor say, "he died.. he's been dead for a few hours." Without feeling that knot growing in my stomach.. and that ache becoming steadier in my heart.

I was flat ironing my hair awhile ago, we're getting up pretty early and I know worrying about my hair is going to be the last thing on my mind.. It was quiet and I was concentrating on fixing my hair and the memory came back to me. On nights when I was anxious and didn't feel like straightening my hair all I had to do was call his name. I think he actually enjoyed being in there with me, and probably pulling my hair out.. and don't laugh - because he did it! He would straighten my hair for me and we'd talk about our day or whatever, then we'd go on to something else.. but tonight, I couldn't call his name because he wasn't here. That's a reality that's been hitting home so much lately. We hadn't been together as much as I wish we had but we had spent a lot of time together over the past few months for being seperated.



I wake up some nights and still check my phone, awaiting that text message that he would send me around 11 o'clock. The one that just said I miss you, good night and sweet dreams baby girl. I still check it. Knowing he's gone, knowing he's not coming back.. knowing all of that, I still check it! WHY? I'm doing this to myself.


I was looking for my contacts case tonight and I had pulled everything out of my cabinets and I found a dream catcher he made me when he was in jail a few years ago. I put it above my bed. I'm grasping at anything right now just to be close to him, isn't that stupid?

I know some of you are looking at me, watching my every move.. trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this.. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I guess I'm just going to go hour to hour until I can manage day to day. Don't feel bad if you don't know what to say, because honestly I don't know what to say to my friend who lost her husband and I'm going through the same thing. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my worst nightmare and I wish I could wake up and he'd still be alive. Even if we weren't together my baby would still be breathing.

I'm an emotional mess. I can't think straight. I don't remember anything and I'm scared to death I'm going to forget him through the years. I think thats what scares me more than anything. I'm going to get older and he's going to remain stuck here. How is this fair? I know I should be mature about it, but I just don't get it. Some of the worst people in the world are still alive and he's gone. He wasn't a bad person, he just made bad choices.

God, I miss him so much. I've been visiting the cemetary a couple times, and I took Camo out there. He went straight to him and smelled the flowers. Do you think he knows? Do you think he understands that his daddy is gone? I would give anything to hear Richard tell Camo to smile and laugh when he did it. I would give anything to hear him get so excited when seeing Kami, Malley, Casey and Hunter.

I was watching The Hills the either day and Heidi said, "Til death do us part, that's how you're goin' buddy.." And I wanted to reach through the TV and shake her, this shit isn't funny! Don't laugh when you say that! When people say they about died, it makes me sick.. don't laugh about it, it's not something you say lightheartedly anymore. Not around me anyways. Maybe this feeling will go away and I won't over analyze every damn thing that is said, but right now I'm being overly sensitive with this.. and I feel I have every right to. Nobody plans on burying the person they love.. especially not at 23 years old. I would give anything to go back three years ago and have my husband again.


There's probably going to be a lot of these blogs over the next few weeks or whatever.. for some reason they give me a sense of relief after I get all these feelings out.

Monday, June 1, 2009 - Richard Dean

I started blogging elsewhere so I thought I'd move these and resume my blogging here.

Richard Dean..
Where do I even start?
I remember the first day that I saw him.. it was my second semester of my freshman year. There was this gorgeous boy with dark curly hair in this baby blue long sleeved shirt and these ripped jeans. He turned around and smiled at me and I remember saying, "wow". It was 7th period, I think, in English.. he walked in and handed the teacher his slip and I remember pushing a girl out of her chair and telling the teacher there was an empty seat beside me. I had never done anything like that before, and honestly, 8 years later, I still can't believe I did it. I remember him asking for pieces of paper, pens, whatever I had that he could borrow.. and he finally admitted to me after we were married that he did that just to be able to talk to me.

We talked for awhile and he became my best friend. We wrote letters every period and we'd find each other in the hallway just for a hug and swap letters and we'd go to our next class - that is the days he actually showed up. We started dating the day after Easter and once the girls found out, it was on. I had never been in detention before, never been in trouble before, period.. that monday back to school was the day everything changed. I almost got jumped after first period. I remember Richard and Trey intervening and stopping whoever it was from getting near me. It's funny now, because I remember Trey running down the hall screaming my name and jumping in front of me, and Richard was already there. I got two days of ISS, well actually just one, but it was originally two. I still have all of our letters and all of the cards he's ever given me. It's nice because I can look back and see how much he loved me and days like today I really need the reminder.

It's been a week today since he died, and the shock still hasn't worn off. I guess that's why I'm able to sit here and remember him the way he was before we seperated this last time.

In 9th grade I had quit eating.. and I can still remember Richard and Trey sitting there staring at me until I ate. Begging me to eat, I just wasn't hungry and back then I didn't really see it as a problem. I understand it now, but I'm also a lot older. I didn't know until this past week though that Richard would call my mom and let her know what I ate and if I didn't eat.

Everything with him was a first for me. First time I had ever fallen in love, first kiss, first heartbreak.. it wasn't for him, but atleast I can always say that I was the only one he ever committed his life too. And he did. For 3 years he did his best. I don't know why he went down the path he went down. I'll always have these questions and I'll drive myself crazy with them.

He never let me see that side of him and for that I'm greatful. Everyone keeps telling me he loved me enough to shield me from it. I'll never understand how he could keep me from it but couldn't keep himself away from it.

I'll never forget our trip to Destin.. California, watching the World of Outlaws at Lonestar.. all the trips to the races.. the trips to the river - we never tipped our canoe! The boat trips.. the trips to Arkansas and just the times in the hotel.

We had so many good memories and I hope I can remember them instead of the bad.

I have been sitting here wondering how I always get the short end of the stick. It seems no matter what I do I am the one always left alone and hurt. It came to me today that I know I'm destined for something great in life. There has to be something better than all the hurt I'm feeling right now. I'm more angry than anything and I honestly hope that I can work through this and come out on the other side being a much better, stronger person instead of so bitter.

It's been a week today and I'm still breathing.. I'm barely making it through the day, but I'm not going to give up or give in. I have too much to live for and I have to keep reminding myself that I do have people who love me and I'm going to live my life to the fullest. The Richard that I married would want me to. I remember talking to him one day about what happened if he died... he told me that he wanted to see me happy. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to try and be happy, although I know those days are pretty far away, I hope to get there. I know he saw the best in me and I hope to one day as well. I will always love him, he was the world to me.

I'm just so angry at all these people who thought they knew him. If they were such great friends to Richard and "loved" him then why did they choose to let him go down this path instead of help him? THAT is something I'll never be able to understand. He knew with everything that he had that I didn't allow that around me, and he never brought it around me. He knew how dissapointed I was in him and he understood it. If he had more people in his life helping him instead of hindering him this all could have been avoided. And that is his mother included. I'll never be able to understand a mother who helps her sons addiction. It just blows my mind. She was never a mother, she gave birth to him, but it takes more than that to become a mother. And what is so sad about all of this, is he was trying to get away from her. He had just told me he knew he needed to get away from her and yet he didn't, couldn't.

I'm sorry, I have tried being the bigger person for a week and I just couldn't do it. I'm fed up and my heart is completely broken. The person I took for granted the most, is gone and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.