Today..

My cousin sent me this in an email and it fits me perfectly.

I can't numb the pain with distractions and busyness; as soon as I lie still, I'm left alone with my thoughts. I'm so used to crying now that i just let the tears stream down my face and soak my pillow case. Eventually i fall asleep. In the morning I have a few peaceful seconds before i remember the way things are, and then i have to face it all over again and try to make it through another day pretending everything is okay. But nothing is okay. I just can't keep going on like this. It hurts too much. But those times at night, when i can't escape my thoughts any longer, i keep wondering why God allowed this to happen? And my tears are both sad and angry, till i finally fall asleep again.
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I had decided to start going to church and actually go to a counselor or someone to help me sort through my feelings. I can't figure out if I'm sad, hurt, or mad as I can be. Some days I want revenge, other days I just want to lay down and forget about it all, but I know I can't. I know I have to keep going until I know exactly how he died. The rumors that are floating around and the amount of people who think someone had a part in this, I can't just sit still and not find justice for him. No matter how much finding out what he was doing these past couple of weeks hurt. I know he would be so ashamed if he knew I knew it all.
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I wrote this one of the first nights after he died..

I have never felt this way before, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act.. or what I'm even going to do. I have spent the last 8 years loving someone more than life. I have helped him so many times and he's overcome some of the hardest times in his life with me. Anytime something happened to him, he always came back to me. I took that for granted. No matter what we said to each other, no matter how we said it, no matter what he would always use that little smirk to get himself out of trouble and it always worked. No matter what he did or how mad I was, he could always warm my heart again. He loved our little family more than anything. Even when we were seperated he would call several times a day or during the week just to tell me to give his babies love. He was like a proud daddy when he bought Camo for me. We snuck him into so many places, Richard loved it. When we first got him we snuck him into Brookshires, Tejas and Eckerds [now CVS] and showed him to everyone. Okay, so it really wasn't sneaking. Everyone loved him. Richard taught Camo how to smile, anyime Camo got into trouble, he'd come up to us and show us his front teeth and that was his way out of trouble. He was so proud of that.

When we had our second baby, Kali, Richard worked several days to get her, we didn't have the $300 to buy her at the time since we had just moved into our house.. but he worked building kennels at the place she was and surprised me with her. He even put a pink ribbon around her. When she died, he stayed with me for a little while just to calm me down, then went around midnight and picked her up and drove all the way to my parents house to bury her. Just because we knew if we moved, she'd be somewhere where we could always visit her. He buried her and came back home to me and the babies and helped me bottle feed her puppies.

He was up with me every two hours helping bottle feed Kami and Malley. They were our children, we bottle fed them, took pictures of everything and Richard even videotaped some of their firsts. I remember him laying in the floor with them when they were first learning to walk.. and he kept saying, "babe, watch this.. aww.. watch that.." I can still hear him laughing everytime they fell over, or wobbled into a piece of furniture. Their first time on the grass, he made sure we videotaped it. Their first time in the snow, he made sure I got it. Their first time in the pool, we had to have pictures. He loved them so much.

I'll never forget when he brought Casey home. He made me promise to not name her anything NASCAR related. HEck, I was going to name her something Dale Jr related but he through a fit. It just so happened that Casey Mears won his first NASCAR Nationwide race that day, and I knew that Richard would never suspect that, so I just told him I wanted to name her Casey. It was a year later when I told him and he laughed so hard. It was too late for him to change her name then! After the first couple of days, once Casey got used to us and the house, and the first time she chewed through the dry wall in the washroom, Richard wanted to take her down and have her stomach xrayed just to see what all she was eating. She was into everything! She was chewing the wood off the side of the walls in the bathroom. That girl was a mess.

At Alisa and Shawn's wedding, I had talked to Alisa and I had first pick for one of their puppies. I was so excited. Then, just like Richard.. he shows up with the cutest little black Lab and said, "aww babe, look at him. I just couldn't leave him! How can you say no to this cute wittle face." There was no way I could refuse so that's when Hunter joined our ever growing family. I'll never forget the first time we took Casey and Hunter out on the boat with us. We were waiting for his mom and aunt to come down to the dock to go tubing with us. Hunter grew impatient pretty fast and decided to dive into the water. It wasn't a second later and Richard was jumping in after him. He was so mad. That was the nastiest part of the lake and he was jumping in after that dog. It was hilarious. I smile just thinking about it. It was so nasty that I had to take Hunter to the vet for ear infections!

After we got Casey, about a year before Hunter joined us. There was a cat sitting on our front porch one day. I went out to check on it and it was really, really sick. I did all I could for that baby, but we ended up having to call animal control because we were afraid it had a disease and could have hurt our babies. He knew how upset I was because they said they were going to have to put it down if it didn't die before they got back to the office. A week later, probably not even that. Richard and Jeremy went out of town, and I was expecting them back that night, but he came to my side of the bed, said, "hey babe, look what I got for you.." and handed me the cutest little kitten I had ever seen. She was scared to death, and rightfully so.. Richard had just chased her for about an hour because she escaped out of the truck when they opened the door. He hated her, the first week he had gotten the bright idea to put tape on her paws and put her down on the floor.. it was so mean, but it was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It's weird.. he didn't like her, but the past few times he had come back home, he would spend so much time loving on her.

He hated that I loved NASCAR as much as I do.. he dreaded Sundays because he knew that I would be in front of the TV cheering on my guy.. but he always loved going out to the track. He did so much, went so out of his way to get my autographs of my favorite guys. He would get so excited whehn he got an autograph. In 2007, before we got to the track he told me he was going to get Dale Jr's autograph. When he said something he was determined, he usually always got his way. He was all over pit road in search of Dale Jr. And it just so happened that he won the pole, Richard found out exactly where he was and I'll be damned if he didn't get Dale Jr's autograph. Then he took off running, I couldn't figure out what he was doing.. he came back to me and tried to get the camera and said he was going to get a picture with Dale Jr. I was like, "the hell you are, if anyone's getting a dang picture with him, it'll be me!" haha.

We had some really good times.. I will always be his wife and I know how much he loved me and our family. No one will ever be able to take that away from me. You can try, but you'll never succeed. There were two sides of Richard, one side he never let me see. He protected me from it and I'll always cherish that. I got the side of Richard that was the best, the most caring and loving.

The last call I got from him, he told me how much he loved me and missed me and how much he hated living in that apartment. I wish I had told him to come home. I would give anything to go back a week and bring my husband home.

Every night, before we went to sleep he would roll over and kiss me on the lips, then the forehead, tell me he loved me and sweet dreams. Every single night. That's a memory I will hold forever in my heart. So, I love you and sweet dreams baby.