Monday, June 1, 2009 - Richard Dean

I started blogging elsewhere so I thought I'd move these and resume my blogging here.

Richard Dean..
Where do I even start?
I remember the first day that I saw him.. it was my second semester of my freshman year. There was this gorgeous boy with dark curly hair in this baby blue long sleeved shirt and these ripped jeans. He turned around and smiled at me and I remember saying, "wow". It was 7th period, I think, in English.. he walked in and handed the teacher his slip and I remember pushing a girl out of her chair and telling the teacher there was an empty seat beside me. I had never done anything like that before, and honestly, 8 years later, I still can't believe I did it. I remember him asking for pieces of paper, pens, whatever I had that he could borrow.. and he finally admitted to me after we were married that he did that just to be able to talk to me.

We talked for awhile and he became my best friend. We wrote letters every period and we'd find each other in the hallway just for a hug and swap letters and we'd go to our next class - that is the days he actually showed up. We started dating the day after Easter and once the girls found out, it was on. I had never been in detention before, never been in trouble before, period.. that monday back to school was the day everything changed. I almost got jumped after first period. I remember Richard and Trey intervening and stopping whoever it was from getting near me. It's funny now, because I remember Trey running down the hall screaming my name and jumping in front of me, and Richard was already there. I got two days of ISS, well actually just one, but it was originally two. I still have all of our letters and all of the cards he's ever given me. It's nice because I can look back and see how much he loved me and days like today I really need the reminder.

It's been a week today since he died, and the shock still hasn't worn off. I guess that's why I'm able to sit here and remember him the way he was before we seperated this last time.

In 9th grade I had quit eating.. and I can still remember Richard and Trey sitting there staring at me until I ate. Begging me to eat, I just wasn't hungry and back then I didn't really see it as a problem. I understand it now, but I'm also a lot older. I didn't know until this past week though that Richard would call my mom and let her know what I ate and if I didn't eat.

Everything with him was a first for me. First time I had ever fallen in love, first kiss, first heartbreak.. it wasn't for him, but atleast I can always say that I was the only one he ever committed his life too. And he did. For 3 years he did his best. I don't know why he went down the path he went down. I'll always have these questions and I'll drive myself crazy with them.

He never let me see that side of him and for that I'm greatful. Everyone keeps telling me he loved me enough to shield me from it. I'll never understand how he could keep me from it but couldn't keep himself away from it.

I'll never forget our trip to Destin.. California, watching the World of Outlaws at Lonestar.. all the trips to the races.. the trips to the river - we never tipped our canoe! The boat trips.. the trips to Arkansas and just the times in the hotel.

We had so many good memories and I hope I can remember them instead of the bad.

I have been sitting here wondering how I always get the short end of the stick. It seems no matter what I do I am the one always left alone and hurt. It came to me today that I know I'm destined for something great in life. There has to be something better than all the hurt I'm feeling right now. I'm more angry than anything and I honestly hope that I can work through this and come out on the other side being a much better, stronger person instead of so bitter.

It's been a week today and I'm still breathing.. I'm barely making it through the day, but I'm not going to give up or give in. I have too much to live for and I have to keep reminding myself that I do have people who love me and I'm going to live my life to the fullest. The Richard that I married would want me to. I remember talking to him one day about what happened if he died... he told me that he wanted to see me happy. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to try and be happy, although I know those days are pretty far away, I hope to get there. I know he saw the best in me and I hope to one day as well. I will always love him, he was the world to me.

I'm just so angry at all these people who thought they knew him. If they were such great friends to Richard and "loved" him then why did they choose to let him go down this path instead of help him? THAT is something I'll never be able to understand. He knew with everything that he had that I didn't allow that around me, and he never brought it around me. He knew how dissapointed I was in him and he understood it. If he had more people in his life helping him instead of hindering him this all could have been avoided. And that is his mother included. I'll never be able to understand a mother who helps her sons addiction. It just blows my mind. She was never a mother, she gave birth to him, but it takes more than that to become a mother. And what is so sad about all of this, is he was trying to get away from her. He had just told me he knew he needed to get away from her and yet he didn't, couldn't.

I'm sorry, I have tried being the bigger person for a week and I just couldn't do it. I'm fed up and my heart is completely broken. The person I took for granted the most, is gone and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.