Four Weeks Tomorrow

Almost four weeks has gone by and there's not a moment I'm not thinking about him, or wishing he was here. There's not a moment when my heart doesn't ache. I can still pass by Wendy's, or Jack in the Box, McDonald's, Taco Bell, Walmart, the Dollar Store.. anywhere and can remember so many times we sat in there eating after work.. or strolling the isles at the stores and having something funny happen.. I know I'm going to have these memories forever but right now it's killing me. Everything I do reminds me of him. It's hard sitting in my living room and not reliving the day we got married in this house.. or the many Christmases that we had.. or just laying around and watching TV.

I have yet to watch our home videos, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see how he once was.. I'm not sure if I can handle hearing his voice, but it's the one thing I wish to hear daily. Doesn't make sense, but I didn't say I made any lately.
So much has happened, I feel like my mind has completely fried. I can't remember doing things, saying things, what someone has just told me, or what I have just done. It's ridiculous.

I have been very comforted over the past couple of days. We went out a few days ago and took pictures for his mom. I was completely against it at first, but now I'm glad we did.. Mom took the pictures while I stood there and she went to go pick up some flowers on someone elses grave and I took the camera from her. I reviewed the pictures and this calm, peaceful wave just settled on me and I started crying. In every single picture was this bright, beautiful magenta cross. Like he was saying, "I'm here, I'm okay." I knew he was in Heaven, but seeing this just magnified that feeling and I know he knows how much I loved him and I know he's here with me.



A couple of other things have happened, things I can't explain and things that would make me look crazy.. but I know that he's by my side every night when I lay down to sleep and that makes me feel so much better.

I can picture him laying on his side with one arm around me and his other playing with my hair.. like he did many nights over the past 8 years. He used to play with my hair and rub my face when he couldn't sleep. He used to tell me he loved to watch me sleep. I loved him so much. God, I miss him.



He made this for me a few years ago, I pulled it out of a box the other day and I'll be putting it in sight so I can remember just how much he loved me.