Thursday, June 4, 2009 - literally heartbroken.

I'm living my worst nightmare. my heart is actually aching. I wish my mind would stop wandering.. I wish I could get through the day without the what-ifs.. without thinking about anything.. without hearing the doctor say, "he died.. he's been dead for a few hours." Without feeling that knot growing in my stomach.. and that ache becoming steadier in my heart.

I was flat ironing my hair awhile ago, we're getting up pretty early and I know worrying about my hair is going to be the last thing on my mind.. It was quiet and I was concentrating on fixing my hair and the memory came back to me. On nights when I was anxious and didn't feel like straightening my hair all I had to do was call his name. I think he actually enjoyed being in there with me, and probably pulling my hair out.. and don't laugh - because he did it! He would straighten my hair for me and we'd talk about our day or whatever, then we'd go on to something else.. but tonight, I couldn't call his name because he wasn't here. That's a reality that's been hitting home so much lately. We hadn't been together as much as I wish we had but we had spent a lot of time together over the past few months for being seperated.



I wake up some nights and still check my phone, awaiting that text message that he would send me around 11 o'clock. The one that just said I miss you, good night and sweet dreams baby girl. I still check it. Knowing he's gone, knowing he's not coming back.. knowing all of that, I still check it! WHY? I'm doing this to myself.


I was looking for my contacts case tonight and I had pulled everything out of my cabinets and I found a dream catcher he made me when he was in jail a few years ago. I put it above my bed. I'm grasping at anything right now just to be close to him, isn't that stupid?

I know some of you are looking at me, watching my every move.. trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this.. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I guess I'm just going to go hour to hour until I can manage day to day. Don't feel bad if you don't know what to say, because honestly I don't know what to say to my friend who lost her husband and I'm going through the same thing. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my worst nightmare and I wish I could wake up and he'd still be alive. Even if we weren't together my baby would still be breathing.

I'm an emotional mess. I can't think straight. I don't remember anything and I'm scared to death I'm going to forget him through the years. I think thats what scares me more than anything. I'm going to get older and he's going to remain stuck here. How is this fair? I know I should be mature about it, but I just don't get it. Some of the worst people in the world are still alive and he's gone. He wasn't a bad person, he just made bad choices.

God, I miss him so much. I've been visiting the cemetary a couple times, and I took Camo out there. He went straight to him and smelled the flowers. Do you think he knows? Do you think he understands that his daddy is gone? I would give anything to hear Richard tell Camo to smile and laugh when he did it. I would give anything to hear him get so excited when seeing Kami, Malley, Casey and Hunter.

I was watching The Hills the either day and Heidi said, "Til death do us part, that's how you're goin' buddy.." And I wanted to reach through the TV and shake her, this shit isn't funny! Don't laugh when you say that! When people say they about died, it makes me sick.. don't laugh about it, it's not something you say lightheartedly anymore. Not around me anyways. Maybe this feeling will go away and I won't over analyze every damn thing that is said, but right now I'm being overly sensitive with this.. and I feel I have every right to. Nobody plans on burying the person they love.. especially not at 23 years old. I would give anything to go back three years ago and have my husband again.


There's probably going to be a lot of these blogs over the next few weeks or whatever.. for some reason they give me a sense of relief after I get all these feelings out.