So, day one in Florida hasn't gone all that great. There were just so many good times here. We drove past a lot of the places that Richard and I had been too, and all of these memories come flooding back.. and it was too much to handle so I have just cried pretty much all day. I had been doing well until now. I guess due to the fact that I really haven't left the house since he died except to go to the funeral home, church and walmart in almost two weeks. We drove past a movie gallery, and I remember the last time we were here it was raining one night so we decided to go rent a movie. He's so picky when it comes to movies, or maybe I was because we could rarely decide on a movie together, so it took almost 45 minutes before we finally decided on what we were going to get. We went to the counter to check out and they wouldn't let us because we didn't have a membership. It didn't matter that we had one in Texas, Florida is completely different. So, we left there and went across the street to the grocery store to look for a movie and couldn't find one so we just got some snacks and he bought me some cokes.
We were headed out and I spotted this cute little dog store. It had the cutest little shirts in there and some of the cutest beds and accessories. I remember he found this adorable shirt for Camo, it was a shirt that was leather and it said Harley Dude on it and we almost bought it until he looked at the tag and it was $30, he put it back real fast like he thought he was going to break it. You know that saying, break and you buy.. Well I had been preaching that to him all week because we had been to all the Wing Stops.. and looking at all the knick knacks and stuff. Richard was really bad about picking breakable things up and not being really gentle with it, so I was always behind him making sure he didn't break it and that he sat it back where it went. haha. Walmart was the hardest on me, because we spent hours in there.. just checking out all the neat things that our walmart didn't have.
We went to the beach today, a few hours after we got here and just sitting there watching the waves come in, and watching everyone with their boyfriends and husbands just made me want to yell at them and tell them to appreciate it. I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it.. and now that it's gone it's tearing me up inside. You know, there was always that chance for us to get back together and work things out, now that chance is completely gone. I mean, even when we were seperated.. not even a month ago we were talking about fixing things. He was willing to go to a counselor but I was too damn stubborn and set in my ways to give in yet again and get my heart stomped all over, again. He was talking about getting a house, and a big backyard for Casey and Hunter to run in.. now Casey and Hunter won't ever get to play catch with their daddy.. [or keep away as Hunter does]..EVER again. This reality hits me over and over again and each time it hits harder than the previous. This ache in my heart seems to grow by every passing minute. The reality that I'm going to keep going through life and Richard isn't, keeps hitting and it's almost too much to bear. The fact that I'm going to have to eventually deal with loss, again, without him tears me up. The loss of our babies is going to be dealt with on my own. It's just not fair.
The little things that used to irritate me.. the little things he did on purpose just to get a rise out of me.. I wish I had them again. I would give anything for him to get out of the shower, completely naked and walk into the bedroom soaking wet asking for a towel that was in the same room with him used to irritate the hell out of me. He knew where it was, I think he was just showing off. If the towel didn't smell clean, he'd pull out of nice clean t-shirt our of the drawer and use that.. and not even well at that. He'd get into the bed soaking wet and lay on top of me. That drove me nuts! I would give anything for that now! He'd cuddle with me, and he'd throw his right leg over top of me and lay his head on my back, he'd tell me that he just loved listening to my heartbeat.. and listening to me breathe.. but I'd burn up. He would give me backrubs for hours.. and sometimes I think he did it subconsciously in the middle of the night and I don't think he ever realized it. What I would give to have him laying beside me now.. just listening to him breathe. I remember for years, I would lay on his chest and listen to him breathe in and out and try staying in rythym with him. He used to laugh so hard at me, because our breathing was completely different.. he always breathed so slow.. that I'd have to catch my breath again and start all over.
Who am I going to call when I do something stupid? Who am I going to call when something good happens to me.. which right now seems as far away as the possibility of finding someone else does right now..? Who am I going to call when something happens to the babies, or they do something so cute?
I can be in the room with 20 other people and the lonlieness tears me up inside.. that emptiness overshadows any other feeling I'm capable of having at this very moment. It almost still seems like Richard is out doing his thing.. and I still feel like I can call and talk to him whenever I want.. the fact remains though that his body is 6 ft under ground in a casket.. but yet that doesn't seem right. I know it's only been two weeks so the newness is still there. I just can't get over this feeling. I go to sleep just so I can dream of him.. dreaming is better than reality. I hadn't dreamed about him until the last two nights and now that I'm dreaming of him going to sleep is so much more peaceful than what it was a few days ago.
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