Just Another Day..

It started out terrible. I went to work for 30 minutes only to realize I wasn't ready. I haven't cried that much in a few days and I felt so sick. I came home and slept the day away. If it weren't for my parents, family, friends and his and my babies I would probably give up and give in. That is exactly how I felt today. Ready just to give up. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go through this life without him by my side. I know he's watching over me and I know he'd want me to be okay.. but some days are so hard I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't feel I'm worthy enough some times to even be capable of getting out of bed and moving on with my life when he's no longer here and not able to.

We took some flowers out tonight, mom made him a really pretty arrangement.. and we sat out there for awhile. The sun set and it was absolutely beautiful. The only place it shone through was the trees behind him, and it just stayed right over top of him, shining on him. Like he was telling me he was there with me. I know I want him to show me that he's here, and that sounds crazy.. but I feel like he is, and he's guiding me in some weird way.

The other day I wrote about how Richard would straighten my hair whenever I was taking my sweet time getting ready to go out, he would just grab the straightener and take over while talking to me and while I put on my makeup. I wrote that a day or two into our vacation in Florida. I knew that if he knew that I had told people and if he were still here he would have had a shit fit. The next day I get up to go straighten my hair only to find that my damn straightener wasn't working. I plugged it into every plug in the house and the light never came on. So thanks to him, I'm pretty sure it was his doing, I'm stuck with a POS Walmart one.. if he only remembered how much mom paid for my stupid Chi.

Today marks the first day in years that I have actually had a decent conversation with my mother in law, and for some reason it actually makes me feel so much better. I'll never understand how she has done what she has done, but I have this terrible trait of not letting go of things. We would have still been together, and I guarantee you he'd still be here had I found a way to forgive him for the past. I couldn't get passed some of the things he had done to me and to himself, and I made it hell on him. That'd be the first thing I'd take back if I could. Especially when it came to his mom, because I knew how much he loved her, but I still made it hard when it came to her and I. She was no picnic either, but I should have known better.

I guess, more than anything, it makes it better because she finally.. after all these years, told me that she knew I was good for him.. and I was good enough for him. I never felt good enough for her son, in her eyes.. I knew I was, but she never let me into 'her' life. The rest of the family had accepted me with open arms and if it weren't for Aunt Cindy, Uncle Jim, Alisa and David, I would have felt like a complete outcast the whole time we were together.

I hope we can keep our conversations civil and I hope that maybe one day we can have the relationship we've never had.. only because we loved the same person completely in our own ways.

I sent her a picture of his monument, it'll be out there soon and she actually liked it. I was shocked that she was so happy and liked it, she thought it was beautiful. I just knew she'd hate it.. but it's him.

I was searching for something I had lost today and I came across the last card he'd given me. I remember sitting there at work and I was so upset because it was Valentines Day and I hadn't heard from him. I was at lunch sitting by myself, and I got a phone call and it was him. He was telling my Happy Valentines Day and he told me how beautiful I looked sitting there all alone.. and how he wished he was with me. I hadn't told him I was at lunch, so I look up and look towards the door and there he was standing there with something behind his back and that beautiful grin on his face. He gave me the biggest hug, told me how much he missed me, loved me, and how happy he was to be there. He handed me the card and I didn't want to read it then because I knew I'd cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.. but I peeked at it while he was in line getting food.. It's one of those when you open it, it sings. It scared the crap out of me, I shut it really fast and looked towards him and he had the biggest grin on his face and then started laughing. He came back to the table and said, "So I see you read it, do you like it?" I loved it. Words couldn't describe how much I loved it. It was Martina McBrides song.. I have Been Blessed.

I have been blessed. I was blessed completely the day he walked into my life. Knowing what I know now, and some of you will probably think I'm crazy, I'd go through it all again. That is how much I loved him. I loved him more than life and I always will. Always and forever as we'd always say.


I guess after the long day I've had, it's nice to be able to talk to her despite all the problems because she's one of my last links to my husband.. the person I'll love for the rest of my life.