In April I won a drivers spot in the Smoke Show at Fandango. I happened to be at the right place at the right time.
August 4th finally came, and it was the most intense experience of my life. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
8:00 am.
We had been signed in, I signed my life away, my rights away and we finally got to eat breakfast. We had bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy and oh my goodness was it good! There was no coke, but I was okay. There was an artist there, man I wish I remembered his name, he was painting this picture and I couldn't figure out what it was at first. All I could make out was the race car, and some lines. I looked closer at it, and realized it was the outline of Tony's face. It was like an optical illusion. It was so neat.
8:30
They called the drivers to the 'drivers meeting' and the guests stayed behind to make posters. We met Mike Starr, who owns Team Texas, and he explained the cars to us, the marks we were supposed to hit and I learned something! The lanes on the frontstretch, we weren't supposed to follow! You know how it looks on TV like they're switching a lot of lanes, well if you follow those lanes you'll hit the wall. Those lines shouldn't even be painted on the track, but they're just there for TV and the fans. It looks cool. He talked to us about a lot of neat things, and stalled because Tony was late.
Tony finally arrived, not sure at what time, but he went from Pocono to Charlotte, from Charlotte to Indiana, From Indiana to Tulsa and Tulsa to Texas and was at the Smoke Show the next morning. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is.
He gave us tips on the track, basically reitterated everything Mike Starr had said.
Around 10 we got to load up in some vans and take two laps around the track with them showing us the marks we had to hit.
At about 10:30 we got to drivers intros. I was talking to a couple of girls, and waiting to be called to walk across the stage and they started lining us up. I was called first and it interrupted our talk and I guess I had a weird look on my face because Tony was standing there and had seen it and said, "That is exactly what happens to us, too! We're all standing there talking about hunting and fishing or whatever and they call us and interrupt our conversation just to line us up!" HAHA!
I was the fastest, the Wild Woman from Winona! Haha! I really didn't know what to do, so I forgot to wave to the crowd. =]
After drivers intros we got to ride around in a truck for our parade lap. I met a very nice woman that I hope I can keep in touch with. We had a connection and there's a reason why we were in the truck together. She had lost two people very close to her and the Smoke Show helped her heal a little, and I feel that it has helped me as well.
After the parade lap they started getting us ready for our 10 lap runs. In between the groups Tony would take 4 people out on their rides. I was so nervous, I couldn't sit still.
After the first time he took people out for rides I was talking to Jessica about her career and Tony walked up and wanted to know what we were talking about, he said, "Okay, now what's going on over here?" I said, "well, you know the usual - girl talk." All he said was, "oh shit, that's not good." haha. Then he sat right beside me! I leaned behind him and looked at mom and was like WHOA! Then he started talking about how the cars are set up and why the car sounded like it was bottoming out. I can't remember what he said because I was so shocked that he sat right beside me.
My first run was a little scary at first. I couldn't see over the steering wheel that well, so I was practically looking through the hole in the steering wheel, but I hit 150 a few times because they have rev limiters on the cars. Once I hit that I had to level the car back out, but I wasn't that great at it at first. Haha.
It was time to break for lunch and we went back to Hot Rod's Cafe. It was really good. Tony, his mom, his step dad and a few others had a table sat up right in front of us. It was cool to be in the same place as Tony but we didn't bother him that much. We let him come up to us and didn't invade his space, and he did, he made his rounds, made small talk and it was just a lot of fun.
We went back and got to go for our second run. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to get back in the car. The second group had ran and I was anxiously awaiting my time in the car with Tony. I was getting into the car and he said, "it's about time!" and I said, "it's about time for what?" I could only imagine what was about to come out of this man's mouth. haha. "It's about time I get a date. I'm ready to have a good looking girl in the car with me, I'm tired of driving these big guys around." He had me laughing so hard. Then I proceeded to ask him a question which was answered quickly by the guy who was strapping me in with a "SHOOOSH." I had asked him just how close he could get me to the wall and Tony's response was, "well just how close do you want to that wall?" I said, "as close as you can get me.." and the guy strapping me in was still shooshing me. Telling me I was as close to that damn wall already without having to ask Tony to get me closer. At this point I hadn't realized that I don't have a freakin window net. I guess it's a good thing I didn't realize that until after the car was rolling. He didn't waste anytime at all! I can't wait to be able to share the video. It's awesome! The 4 laps was only 3 minutes and 9 seconds, but it was amazing. On the last lap, we were going into turn two and he got really close to the apron, and I think the left front tire hit it, all I could see was his arms going crazy, and he got ahold of the car and got me REALLLLLLYYYY close to that wall. When we hit pit road I was screaming. I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. When I had completely caught my breath and we could hear each other, he asked me how it was and I just went to yappin. Then he asked if that was close enough. HAHA. I said, "that was perfect!" I went to get unstrapped and quickly realized that I couldn't get out of the car and told the man so. He laughed and said, "well I'm here to help you out.." then he came back with, "tony do you do this to all of your girls?" HAHA. He laughed so hard. I was so lightheaded and dizzy, I couldn't breathe.. and it was so freakin hot. They had to literally pull me out of the car, then they put ice down my firesuit and got me some water. We waited a few minutes to make our next 10 lap run so I could calm down.
I was so confident in the next run I was ready to get back into the car. I had so much fun! I'm pretty sure that's when I laid down my fastest lap! Woohoo!
After our last group went out and Tony took a couple more people for their ride, after that we had our victory lane celebration. We had to wear the cowboy hat, an old spice rag and we got to stand up there with Tony and shoot the six shooters. Well no one told me just how heavy those damn things were. They had them calked and handed them to me well, they uncalked or whatever. HA. Tony stepped back and I was like, I'm not going to shoot you! HAHA. I had to ask him to help me fix it and he did and I got to shoot it. Then we had a picture and confetti went flying. It was so much fun.
We got to go to the spa in the Speedway Club and take a nice long hot shower. After we were done that had Happy Hour up in the grand ballroom. It was beautiful, the view from there was spectacular. It overlooked the whole track. It was awesome.
Our table was right next to Tony's table. We had dinner, it was so yummy. Then after dinner it was the auction. I have NEVER seen so much money be given in my life. It was absolutely crazy. $10,000 here, $30,000 there, $15,000 here.. I was in awe. It was like pennies to them, but we all knew it was for a very good cause.
After the auction they had the Q&A. There were only two questions asked, one of which was mine. Haha. I was going to ask him how often he pees in the car, but once I seen how much money was being given, I realized that probably wasn't the best place to ask.. and not in front of people with that much class.. so I asked him where his pet monkey went to. He told me that he's in a zoo in Indianapolis and that him and Krysta go visit him pretty regularly. He said that he's roughly around 35 lbs and his canine teeth are pretty big so he can't be in the cage with him, but they do go see him. The last time they went to see him together was around Easter. Krysta bought some bright pink peeps and when he got done eating them it looked like he had lipstick. Tony said of all the damn colors she had to get the brightest and pinkiest for his son. HAHA. He said that he's very proud of him, he has two girlfriends. At which time he started pumping his fist in the air. HAHA. He talked about a lot of his animals, and how his little chihuahua is pampered and how she has her own guard dog when she goes outside because he's scared one of the owls is going to get hungry and take off with her.
After the Q&A was the drivers awards. The first plaque came out and he said something like, no, what happened to these being in particular order? One of the girls said, well they are in particular order.. he said no.. they're not, we should take the two minutes it takes to put these in order, there's a certain pride that comes along with these things, but the didn't do it. So I was called up on stage. Tony had previously told the guys that if they didn't have a fast lap in the 3 digits, they'd be walking around with their pants around their waist. So after they called me up, Tony said.. "Well, it looks to me like Kandice came today with her big boy panties on." Haha. The man on stage with him said, "What I didn't hear that." Tony then told everyone that I had a fast lap of 144 mph. YAY!Go me! For my first time in car I had a fast lap! The guy behind me didn't have as fast a lap and Tony said, "after tonight no one will know that you got beat by a girl, but MAN! You got beat by a girl!" HAHA. There was only a few people that had a lap faster than me, so I'm very proud of that! =]
Tony signed a lot of things for us, and took his time with everyone. He was very personable.
I don't know if you have heard about it or not, but there was a young man that was there that had been injured in Iraq. Tony had been told about how TMS was sending staff to help build this mans house and Tony wanted to be apart of it, but he had scheduling conflicts and couldn't make it. So they called this man and his family and Tony took him for a ride. Afterwards he invited them to the banquet and then gave him a backpack full of goodies, including two tickets for him and his wife and pit passes for November. It was very nice of Tony to do that. Then during the auction, they were auctioning off a piece of sheet metal and it went for $15,000. Later it was revealed that Tony had bought that piece himself to give the young man and his wife to hang up in his new house. How sweet is that!
This was one of the best days of my life. There is nothing else like this out there. It was a full day in the life of a driver. It was so awesome. It's a lot of money, but it was well worth it and it's for a wonderful cause. The Speedway Childrens Charity helps a lot of kids with that money so it was great to see everyone out there. I don't know how, but I plan on making the trip back next year if I have to save every penny I'm going to go back. It was amazing.
Tony is such a great man with a huge heart.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Grief.
There is no set way to grieve. There's no set time limit with grieving and I wish everyone would quit telling me to let go and move on.
I've been reading several books and they all tell me the same thing.
Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. There is no one way to grieve the death of a spouse. There is only what you think and feel and the expressing of those thoughts and feelings.
Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family often withdraw from mourners, leaving us isolated and unsupported. While I hope this isn't the case for you, don't be shocked if some of your friends and family pull away. They often do this in an effort to protect their own emotions.
Widows often say, "I found out who my friends really are," after the death of a spouse.
The best way for you to respond in the face of faltering friendships is to be proactive and honest. Even though you're the one who is grieving, you may need to be the one to phone your friends and keep in touch.
[I tried and failed, by sending an email with no response.]
Unknowingly, you have probably internalized many of our societys harmful myths about grief and mourning.
I need to be strong and carry on.
Tears are a sign of weakness.
I need to get over my grief.
Death is something we don't talk about.
Your grief is your grief. It's normal and necessary. Allow it to be what it is. Allow it to last as long as it lasts. Strive to be an authentic mourner - one who openly and honestly expresses what you think and feel.
For many widows, waking up in the morning is the hardest part of their day. It's as if each time you awaken you must confront anew the realization that your lifemate has died.
There are 6 needs of mourning and number 3 means the most to me right now.
Remember the spouse who died.
To heal, you need to actively remember your spouse and commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away from you in a misguided attempt to save you from your pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos, for you to talk about your partners life and death. It's good for you to hold onto objects that belonged to your spouse.
The reason for me typing this is because so many people have said so many of these things to me and I felt I should type it up so you all know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.
I've been reading several books and they all tell me the same thing.
Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. There is no one way to grieve the death of a spouse. There is only what you think and feel and the expressing of those thoughts and feelings.
Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family often withdraw from mourners, leaving us isolated and unsupported. While I hope this isn't the case for you, don't be shocked if some of your friends and family pull away. They often do this in an effort to protect their own emotions.
Widows often say, "I found out who my friends really are," after the death of a spouse.
The best way for you to respond in the face of faltering friendships is to be proactive and honest. Even though you're the one who is grieving, you may need to be the one to phone your friends and keep in touch.
[I tried and failed, by sending an email with no response.]
Unknowingly, you have probably internalized many of our societys harmful myths about grief and mourning.
I need to be strong and carry on.
Tears are a sign of weakness.
I need to get over my grief.
Death is something we don't talk about.
Your grief is your grief. It's normal and necessary. Allow it to be what it is. Allow it to last as long as it lasts. Strive to be an authentic mourner - one who openly and honestly expresses what you think and feel.
For many widows, waking up in the morning is the hardest part of their day. It's as if each time you awaken you must confront anew the realization that your lifemate has died.
There are 6 needs of mourning and number 3 means the most to me right now.
Remember the spouse who died.
To heal, you need to actively remember your spouse and commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away from you in a misguided attempt to save you from your pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos, for you to talk about your partners life and death. It's good for you to hold onto objects that belonged to your spouse.
The reason for me typing this is because so many people have said so many of these things to me and I felt I should type it up so you all know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.
Monday, July 13, 2009
This is how I feel..
This is how I feel.
Finally, someone says it better than I ever could. Excerpts from a book I'm reading. Safe Passage.
We struggled so hard to be together, and now we are apart once more. I can't imagine starting over with someone else. You were my destination.
A kaleidoscope of feeligns has ensnared me. Denial, anger, guilt, despair, acceptance. One does not end for another to begin, rather the emotions tumble about and crash together just beyond control, and without regards for my wounded, weeping heart.
I am waiting to become disentangled. I want to seperate one color from another, so that I might see more clearly what assaults me. I want to address the fullness of my tears one feeling at a time.
What ever happened to happily ever after? As it turns out, that was the cruelest part of the fairy tale.
You are my enemy; my rage is undending. I know it is unhealthy. But I can't stop wanting to find you and spend days telling you what you took away from me. I would pummel you with the truth until you wept. And then I would open up and drench you with the rest of my feelings, until you were drowning in regret. Just when you were screaming for air, I would let you go. I would watch you crawl away. If I have to live in the aftermath of what you have done, so must you.
The grief I feel for you is large and loud, and threatening to burst out of me and paint everything the colors of who we were. Know that I would do that for you, make posters and take out ads telling everyone about our love. Give me a sign beloved, and I'll do that.
I am imprisoned in a cell of loneliness. There is no way out, except for the unexpected touch of others. Their affection will guide me down the passageway to my freedom. Their encouragement will illuminate the way.
I lie awake at night, tortured by the barrage of questions that pick at my flesh like tiny birds with sharp beaks: Why me? Why now? What have I done to deserve this? What could I have done to prevent this cruel parting? Unanswerable questions. All I can do is let them flow through me, rather than pick raw my tender skin. Oh yes, here they are again, my nightly visitors.
I watch others from a distance moving effortlessly in the circle of family and I am angry that their lives still seem to be intact. I rage at the injustice of death, that anything can be undisturbed, that anyone can go on normally in the face of this event. How is it that others haven't noticed that nothing will ever be the same again? I must be the only one who understands this small, yet eternal change.
When I find myself panicking, its usually because I've let my mind wander off to the future. Where will I be next year, how will I feel in two years, how will I survive Christmas [I've often thought about just sleeping through the day] and birthdays? An endless procession of empty days, weeks, months, begin to line up before me like tombstones waiting to be inscribed with memories never made. All I can do is bring myself back to today, to tomorrow maybe, and remember that the future is unknowable and my place in it is yet unborn.
Death has seperated us, but not completely. We have not parted company forever. I am only living away from you for awhile.
The depth of my grief is a constant with the breadth of my love. I would never sacrifice one to avoid the pain of the other.
It is the small things that bring me to an incredible sorrow. I come across a photo in a drawer, and I have to step back in order to avoid being engulfed by your absense. Confronted with the problem of your clothes in the closet, I know that taking them away will not be possible without dying once more. The message is unmistakable: I must give myself good time, because the little things are not little at all.
When we are struggling through the night, falling prey to the beasts of guilt and regret, drowning in a river of tears, finally succumbing to exhaustion, we cannot be expected to believe in the beauty of the coming dawn. Somewhere in our past, we knew morning to be night's faithful follower, but for now, what understanding will have to force its way through the menacing darkness and back to us again.
Sometimes, thinking of death, feelings of panic would press into my awareness and send me shuddering into myself. But I am calmer now about dying; perhaps I will never be that afraid again. After all, I watched you go away with death and I know that you are alright. I will also go away, and I, too, will be alright.
I am fighting the temptation to plot revenge. From within my torment, a very loud voice drowns out what is left of my humanity: "Even the score!" Frantically, I argue. Retribution will not bring you back, I say. What I choose to do in your memory will be your legacy and my reason to go on. Beneath the din, another, softer voice - perhaps my old self - quietly states my position. ...In your name, I want to live to celebrate the last act of inhumanity.
There is someone inside of us who knows exactly what to do. Each of us possesses a natural wisdom that will guide us during the most difficult of times. By turning inward we will find our way through.
We know ourselves by the stories we tell. Losing you has dismantled my storyline and shaken my plot; the tale I tell about who I am and where I am going doesn't make sense anymore. I want to desperately find other words that will imagine my life anew. I just don't know where and how that story will begin.
Getting through the day is like walking through a mine field of deadly moments of recollection.Just when I have slipped beneath the surface of remembering, drawn there by the benevolent distractions of daily life, the grim new reality suddenly explodes around me, reminding me that everything is terribly, permanently different. And I must absorb the same first brutal shock, the same descending horror, over and over again. I am deceived by those instances of forgetfulness, yet I am obviously not ready to live every moment with the inalterable truth.
[That is every single day.. and it happens at the worst possible moments.. sitting at work, and all of a sudden it hits me all over again and I see Richard laying there on the table with the tubes all over him, in his mouth and.. remembering the doctor bluntly telling me that he'd been dead for hours... every day.. several times a day and it's terrible.]
Sleeping, which used to relieve the fullness of the day, has become just another difficult task. I first avoid my bed, knowing that if I stop moving, memories will sneak into my fading consciousness and force a sob into my throat. Other nights I lay awake for hours - feeling nothing, but still unable to sleep. Or I wake in the predawn darkness, hoping desperately that the clock has moved toward the morning. I was not prepared for sleep to be an enemy. What I need now is a friend, and a way to rest my weary spirit.
I am disoriented by death. I do not know where I have been or where I am going. The familiar landmarks are out of view, coldly covered by deaths icy grip. My confusion has atleast, demanded that I cease moving. Standing still will restore my sense of direction, and what remains of my inner fire will warm the way toward healing.
If only I could have spoken to hiim before he chose to end a life. It would only have taken a few minutes to tell him about us, to describe the ways we all love each other, to paint a picture of our happinness and our innocence. I would have changed his mind. He would have understood that he deserved to live. I would have looked into his eyes and made him see himself in mine, and he would have decided differently.
I was asked today how I keep going when I have lost my best friend and the person I have loved so much in this lifetime. I keep going because I have to. I have to for the people who love me, if I gave up then that would be tragic to not have only lost him but me too. He wouldn't want that. I have to pretend I'm okay. I have to put a smile on my face and whenever someone asks how I'm doing I have to say I'm fine, I'm not.. but how would you feel if everytime you asked the s ame person how they were doing and they said, terrible, horrible.. not okay, I'm not fine.. You wouldn't care to have anything to do with that person because of all the negativitiy. I don't want people to pity me, I don't want people to walk away from me because of my loss and not knowing how to deal with it. I'm not okay, but in time I think I will get used to the pain and will have found a way to keep going on with my life even though right now I don't know how to. I was told that eventually you learn how to deal with the pain. I was told that my life will never return to normal, because he was my normal.. it was a crazy normal, but it was my normal. Now that he's gone I'll have to find a new normal. A wise old lady told me that and I believe it.
Finally, someone says it better than I ever could. Excerpts from a book I'm reading. Safe Passage.
We struggled so hard to be together, and now we are apart once more. I can't imagine starting over with someone else. You were my destination.
A kaleidoscope of feeligns has ensnared me. Denial, anger, guilt, despair, acceptance. One does not end for another to begin, rather the emotions tumble about and crash together just beyond control, and without regards for my wounded, weeping heart.
I am waiting to become disentangled. I want to seperate one color from another, so that I might see more clearly what assaults me. I want to address the fullness of my tears one feeling at a time.
What ever happened to happily ever after? As it turns out, that was the cruelest part of the fairy tale.
You are my enemy; my rage is undending. I know it is unhealthy. But I can't stop wanting to find you and spend days telling you what you took away from me. I would pummel you with the truth until you wept. And then I would open up and drench you with the rest of my feelings, until you were drowning in regret. Just when you were screaming for air, I would let you go. I would watch you crawl away. If I have to live in the aftermath of what you have done, so must you.
The grief I feel for you is large and loud, and threatening to burst out of me and paint everything the colors of who we were. Know that I would do that for you, make posters and take out ads telling everyone about our love. Give me a sign beloved, and I'll do that.
I am imprisoned in a cell of loneliness. There is no way out, except for the unexpected touch of others. Their affection will guide me down the passageway to my freedom. Their encouragement will illuminate the way.
I lie awake at night, tortured by the barrage of questions that pick at my flesh like tiny birds with sharp beaks: Why me? Why now? What have I done to deserve this? What could I have done to prevent this cruel parting? Unanswerable questions. All I can do is let them flow through me, rather than pick raw my tender skin. Oh yes, here they are again, my nightly visitors.
I watch others from a distance moving effortlessly in the circle of family and I am angry that their lives still seem to be intact. I rage at the injustice of death, that anything can be undisturbed, that anyone can go on normally in the face of this event. How is it that others haven't noticed that nothing will ever be the same again? I must be the only one who understands this small, yet eternal change.
When I find myself panicking, its usually because I've let my mind wander off to the future. Where will I be next year, how will I feel in two years, how will I survive Christmas [I've often thought about just sleeping through the day] and birthdays? An endless procession of empty days, weeks, months, begin to line up before me like tombstones waiting to be inscribed with memories never made. All I can do is bring myself back to today, to tomorrow maybe, and remember that the future is unknowable and my place in it is yet unborn.
Death has seperated us, but not completely. We have not parted company forever. I am only living away from you for awhile.
The depth of my grief is a constant with the breadth of my love. I would never sacrifice one to avoid the pain of the other.
It is the small things that bring me to an incredible sorrow. I come across a photo in a drawer, and I have to step back in order to avoid being engulfed by your absense. Confronted with the problem of your clothes in the closet, I know that taking them away will not be possible without dying once more. The message is unmistakable: I must give myself good time, because the little things are not little at all.
When we are struggling through the night, falling prey to the beasts of guilt and regret, drowning in a river of tears, finally succumbing to exhaustion, we cannot be expected to believe in the beauty of the coming dawn. Somewhere in our past, we knew morning to be night's faithful follower, but for now, what understanding will have to force its way through the menacing darkness and back to us again.
Sometimes, thinking of death, feelings of panic would press into my awareness and send me shuddering into myself. But I am calmer now about dying; perhaps I will never be that afraid again. After all, I watched you go away with death and I know that you are alright. I will also go away, and I, too, will be alright.
I am fighting the temptation to plot revenge. From within my torment, a very loud voice drowns out what is left of my humanity: "Even the score!" Frantically, I argue. Retribution will not bring you back, I say. What I choose to do in your memory will be your legacy and my reason to go on. Beneath the din, another, softer voice - perhaps my old self - quietly states my position. ...In your name, I want to live to celebrate the last act of inhumanity.
There is someone inside of us who knows exactly what to do. Each of us possesses a natural wisdom that will guide us during the most difficult of times. By turning inward we will find our way through.
We know ourselves by the stories we tell. Losing you has dismantled my storyline and shaken my plot; the tale I tell about who I am and where I am going doesn't make sense anymore. I want to desperately find other words that will imagine my life anew. I just don't know where and how that story will begin.
Getting through the day is like walking through a mine field of deadly moments of recollection.Just when I have slipped beneath the surface of remembering, drawn there by the benevolent distractions of daily life, the grim new reality suddenly explodes around me, reminding me that everything is terribly, permanently different. And I must absorb the same first brutal shock, the same descending horror, over and over again. I am deceived by those instances of forgetfulness, yet I am obviously not ready to live every moment with the inalterable truth.
[That is every single day.. and it happens at the worst possible moments.. sitting at work, and all of a sudden it hits me all over again and I see Richard laying there on the table with the tubes all over him, in his mouth and.. remembering the doctor bluntly telling me that he'd been dead for hours... every day.. several times a day and it's terrible.]
Sleeping, which used to relieve the fullness of the day, has become just another difficult task. I first avoid my bed, knowing that if I stop moving, memories will sneak into my fading consciousness and force a sob into my throat. Other nights I lay awake for hours - feeling nothing, but still unable to sleep. Or I wake in the predawn darkness, hoping desperately that the clock has moved toward the morning. I was not prepared for sleep to be an enemy. What I need now is a friend, and a way to rest my weary spirit.
I am disoriented by death. I do not know where I have been or where I am going. The familiar landmarks are out of view, coldly covered by deaths icy grip. My confusion has atleast, demanded that I cease moving. Standing still will restore my sense of direction, and what remains of my inner fire will warm the way toward healing.
If only I could have spoken to hiim before he chose to end a life. It would only have taken a few minutes to tell him about us, to describe the ways we all love each other, to paint a picture of our happinness and our innocence. I would have changed his mind. He would have understood that he deserved to live. I would have looked into his eyes and made him see himself in mine, and he would have decided differently.
I was asked today how I keep going when I have lost my best friend and the person I have loved so much in this lifetime. I keep going because I have to. I have to for the people who love me, if I gave up then that would be tragic to not have only lost him but me too. He wouldn't want that. I have to pretend I'm okay. I have to put a smile on my face and whenever someone asks how I'm doing I have to say I'm fine, I'm not.. but how would you feel if everytime you asked the s ame person how they were doing and they said, terrible, horrible.. not okay, I'm not fine.. You wouldn't care to have anything to do with that person because of all the negativitiy. I don't want people to pity me, I don't want people to walk away from me because of my loss and not knowing how to deal with it. I'm not okay, but in time I think I will get used to the pain and will have found a way to keep going on with my life even though right now I don't know how to. I was told that eventually you learn how to deal with the pain. I was told that my life will never return to normal, because he was my normal.. it was a crazy normal, but it was my normal. Now that he's gone I'll have to find a new normal. A wise old lady told me that and I believe it.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The hardest parts
The hardest parts are waking up in the morning and realizing that I have to go another day without seeing him. Another day without hearing his voice, or anything.. Just another day.
The worst part is seeing a movie being shown on TV, like today.. the new GI JOE movie was showing and I actually thought before I even realized it that Richard and I should go watch it. Then it dawned on me that Richard isn't here to watch the movie with me. It dawned on me that he'd never be able to enjoy them again. It dawned on me that we'll never get to enjoy anything together again. It's hard to not resent couples, I know I shouldn't but I do. It's hard to look at families.. enjoying each other.
We went to the balloon glow last night and just walking through all the balloons and seeing couples hand in hand and young couples with kids just broke my heart. That was supposed to be us. He was supposed to be a daddy. He was supposed to have a little boy that he had dreamed of naming Christopher.
The other day I was thinking about the day that he proposed to me. I never suspected it. It was January 7, 2005. Ironically, his mothers birthday. I don't think it was planned.. I never asked, but from what mom tells me about the day that he picked out my ring he was a nervous wreck. I don't know why, but he was worried about me saying no. Mom went with him, and he had to have the ring that day, it had to be done then. She said he was shaking and everything. Well. I was at home, so sick that when I lifted my head I had to lay it back down, I was throwing up, had the worst headache and had the body aches. He came home and he was antsy. He came up to my bed and sat down beside me and told me I had to take him to Gladewater to go get his check. I told him to have mom take him, I wasn't moving. He didn't have a truck then and his license was suspended so he couldn't drive. I wasn't driving so I had mom and dad take us. I'm telling you, I felt like pure crap. Then we pull up into Lake Gladewater. I couldn't figure out why we were there and he said, "uhh, uhh, I'm having my boss meet me here." I didn't know why we just didn't go to their house, it was closer than the lake, but whatever. So we get to the lake and he makes me get out of the car. He leads me to one of the tables and sits me down and he gets down on his knee.. I was like what the hell are you doing? He just looked at me and asked me to marry him. He was shaking, still. I couldn't beleive I ruined the moment, but afterwards it was pretty funny.
We came home and it was about 10:00 and he called everyone he could think of and told everyone we were getting married. I remember laying in bed and thinking, wow, he really does love me. He's so excited. He called people he hadn't talked to in years just to let them know he was going to be a married man.
Just random thoughts, but I feel better getting them out.
The worst part is seeing a movie being shown on TV, like today.. the new GI JOE movie was showing and I actually thought before I even realized it that Richard and I should go watch it. Then it dawned on me that Richard isn't here to watch the movie with me. It dawned on me that he'd never be able to enjoy them again. It dawned on me that we'll never get to enjoy anything together again. It's hard to not resent couples, I know I shouldn't but I do. It's hard to look at families.. enjoying each other.
We went to the balloon glow last night and just walking through all the balloons and seeing couples hand in hand and young couples with kids just broke my heart. That was supposed to be us. He was supposed to be a daddy. He was supposed to have a little boy that he had dreamed of naming Christopher.
The other day I was thinking about the day that he proposed to me. I never suspected it. It was January 7, 2005. Ironically, his mothers birthday. I don't think it was planned.. I never asked, but from what mom tells me about the day that he picked out my ring he was a nervous wreck. I don't know why, but he was worried about me saying no. Mom went with him, and he had to have the ring that day, it had to be done then. She said he was shaking and everything. Well. I was at home, so sick that when I lifted my head I had to lay it back down, I was throwing up, had the worst headache and had the body aches. He came home and he was antsy. He came up to my bed and sat down beside me and told me I had to take him to Gladewater to go get his check. I told him to have mom take him, I wasn't moving. He didn't have a truck then and his license was suspended so he couldn't drive. I wasn't driving so I had mom and dad take us. I'm telling you, I felt like pure crap. Then we pull up into Lake Gladewater. I couldn't figure out why we were there and he said, "uhh, uhh, I'm having my boss meet me here." I didn't know why we just didn't go to their house, it was closer than the lake, but whatever. So we get to the lake and he makes me get out of the car. He leads me to one of the tables and sits me down and he gets down on his knee.. I was like what the hell are you doing? He just looked at me and asked me to marry him. He was shaking, still. I couldn't beleive I ruined the moment, but afterwards it was pretty funny.
We came home and it was about 10:00 and he called everyone he could think of and told everyone we were getting married. I remember laying in bed and thinking, wow, he really does love me. He's so excited. He called people he hadn't talked to in years just to let them know he was going to be a married man.
Just random thoughts, but I feel better getting them out.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Still incredibly angry.
As the sixth week of losing my husband is right around the corner, I still find myself so incredibly angry. Angry with myself, angry at the people he was with, angry with God. I know some of you won't understand why I'm so angry at God. I went to Church with Dad today and it was our churches homecoming. 111 years. Amazing, right? It was pure torture for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the people there and the atmosphere but listening to everyones testimonies on how God is so great and how He answers every prayers, made me sick. If God had answered my prayer my husband wouldn't be 6 feet under the ground. He would still be with me and my life wouldn't feel so out of control. I don't understand how God is so great, yet he just took my husband from me at 23 years old. He stole my future from me and turned my life upside down. I'm so mad. I feel like such a hypocrite for even going to church right now feeling the way I do. Everyone says it's normal, I don't know if it is or not.
Some of you have openly expressed the fact that I should be more positive. A lot of you have. I understand you're probably tired of reading how mad, upset, or negative life is but like I said previously, my life has just been turned upside down without any notice. The one person I loved in this world more than myself was just taken from me. The person I have loved for years and helped each other through everything is suddenly gone. I know I'll see him again but just going through day to day troubles, I can't just pick up the phone and hear his voice and hear him reassuring me and telling me he loves me. I have tried, and realized he's no longer going to be on the end of the line. I feel like I no longer have any control over my life at all.. I no longer have control over my feelings. I can't sleep at night without having to take medicine to stay asleep all night, that way I don't stay awake and think of everything I could have done, should have done to still have my husband here with me. Until you lose someone this close to you, a spouse, you have no idea how it feels to have your world ripped apart and not able to do anything except try to make it day to day.
To those of you who feel this overwhelming desire to put pictures of you and my husband on your pages, you can do so.. but know that I know what type of friends you were and know that you know what type of friend you were to him. Putting a picture up of you and him will not erase the fact that you didn't help him the way you should have. I hope that it means the guilt of knowing you had a hand in leading up to his death is tearing you apart, I hope you can't sleep knowing that you could have helped him, and led him down a different path or at the least bit - tried to have helped him if you didn't succeed then that's understandable but just trying would have made losing him a little bit easier.. I have regrets that are bothering me, and feel guilty for things I had done and didn't do but atleast I have that little bit of satisfaction knowing that I did what I could to help him over the years that I did help him.
I hope that through losing him, losing this person you have so claimed to have loved will help you change your life. If it doesn't, then you really didn't love him at all, did you?
And, no, this isn't directed to anyone in particular, I'm so very sorry if you take it that way but that wasn't how it was meant to be.. and if you do take it as being directed to you then oh freaking well.
I'm a little bitter.
Some of you have openly expressed the fact that I should be more positive. A lot of you have. I understand you're probably tired of reading how mad, upset, or negative life is but like I said previously, my life has just been turned upside down without any notice. The one person I loved in this world more than myself was just taken from me. The person I have loved for years and helped each other through everything is suddenly gone. I know I'll see him again but just going through day to day troubles, I can't just pick up the phone and hear his voice and hear him reassuring me and telling me he loves me. I have tried, and realized he's no longer going to be on the end of the line. I feel like I no longer have any control over my life at all.. I no longer have control over my feelings. I can't sleep at night without having to take medicine to stay asleep all night, that way I don't stay awake and think of everything I could have done, should have done to still have my husband here with me. Until you lose someone this close to you, a spouse, you have no idea how it feels to have your world ripped apart and not able to do anything except try to make it day to day.
To those of you who feel this overwhelming desire to put pictures of you and my husband on your pages, you can do so.. but know that I know what type of friends you were and know that you know what type of friend you were to him. Putting a picture up of you and him will not erase the fact that you didn't help him the way you should have. I hope that it means the guilt of knowing you had a hand in leading up to his death is tearing you apart, I hope you can't sleep knowing that you could have helped him, and led him down a different path or at the least bit - tried to have helped him if you didn't succeed then that's understandable but just trying would have made losing him a little bit easier.. I have regrets that are bothering me, and feel guilty for things I had done and didn't do but atleast I have that little bit of satisfaction knowing that I did what I could to help him over the years that I did help him.
I hope that through losing him, losing this person you have so claimed to have loved will help you change your life. If it doesn't, then you really didn't love him at all, did you?
And, no, this isn't directed to anyone in particular, I'm so very sorry if you take it that way but that wasn't how it was meant to be.. and if you do take it as being directed to you then oh freaking well.
I'm a little bitter.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
He's working in mysterious ways
It's been a long, okay day. It's Fathers Day, we went to Church this morning and went out to visit Richard. I did okay during church I wasn't sure how I would handle it because it was the last place I saw my husband. The last place I kissed him and it will be the place I go to for years to come to be close to him. As soon as church was over, I went to him and I just lost it. I always let it all out when I'm there but I feel so much better. I feel like he's there with me.
I came home and sat outside for awhile. Just sitting in a daze. I've been doing that a lot lately, but it's okay. I gave Casey and Hunter Man a bath. It was weird because Hunter actually let me bathe him without fighting me. I like to think I had help, because this dog normally freaks out on me. I could actually picture Richard standing there holding him for me.
I played with the dogs for awhile, the cats.. we spent time with Moo Cow and went and seen the chickens. They're getting big!
8:00 neared and night was growing closer. We had already talked about going out to his site because we put a solar light out there and we wanted to see if it worked.
Dad came in and was standing behind the couch, behind his normal spot at night, with the shower warming up he was watching whatever we had on the tv. Mom was sitting in the floor cleaning out her purse. She stood up and walked over to me, with her hand folded and asked, "does this mean anything to you?" With her hand open she showed me what she had found and I just kept staring at it.
I honestly could not make this kind of thing up in a million years. I just kept staring, she asked me a couple more times and wanted to know if I was okay.
In her hand she held two earrings. One of which I had for years, but had never worn; a diamond cross. The other one was one that Richard had bought me for my last birthday; a pink stone.
Things like this have a huge significance for me, it may not to anyone else, but two earrings, one of which I never wore and another one that I wore all the time.
He's still here. I know that if I can't see him, can't hear him, can't have him near then I will take these crazy kinda things happening to me over nothing.
I came home and sat outside for awhile. Just sitting in a daze. I've been doing that a lot lately, but it's okay. I gave Casey and Hunter Man a bath. It was weird because Hunter actually let me bathe him without fighting me. I like to think I had help, because this dog normally freaks out on me. I could actually picture Richard standing there holding him for me.
I played with the dogs for awhile, the cats.. we spent time with Moo Cow and went and seen the chickens. They're getting big!
8:00 neared and night was growing closer. We had already talked about going out to his site because we put a solar light out there and we wanted to see if it worked.
Dad came in and was standing behind the couch, behind his normal spot at night, with the shower warming up he was watching whatever we had on the tv. Mom was sitting in the floor cleaning out her purse. She stood up and walked over to me, with her hand folded and asked, "does this mean anything to you?" With her hand open she showed me what she had found and I just kept staring at it.
I honestly could not make this kind of thing up in a million years. I just kept staring, she asked me a couple more times and wanted to know if I was okay.
In her hand she held two earrings. One of which I had for years, but had never worn; a diamond cross. The other one was one that Richard had bought me for my last birthday; a pink stone.
Things like this have a huge significance for me, it may not to anyone else, but two earrings, one of which I never wore and another one that I wore all the time.
He's still here. I know that if I can't see him, can't hear him, can't have him near then I will take these crazy kinda things happening to me over nothing.
Four Weeks Tomorrow
Almost four weeks has gone by and there's not a moment I'm not thinking about him, or wishing he was here. There's not a moment when my heart doesn't ache. I can still pass by Wendy's, or Jack in the Box, McDonald's, Taco Bell, Walmart, the Dollar Store.. anywhere and can remember so many times we sat in there eating after work.. or strolling the isles at the stores and having something funny happen.. I know I'm going to have these memories forever but right now it's killing me. Everything I do reminds me of him. It's hard sitting in my living room and not reliving the day we got married in this house.. or the many Christmases that we had.. or just laying around and watching TV.
I have yet to watch our home videos, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see how he once was.. I'm not sure if I can handle hearing his voice, but it's the one thing I wish to hear daily. Doesn't make sense, but I didn't say I made any lately.
So much has happened, I feel like my mind has completely fried. I can't remember doing things, saying things, what someone has just told me, or what I have just done. It's ridiculous.
I have been very comforted over the past couple of days. We went out a few days ago and took pictures for his mom. I was completely against it at first, but now I'm glad we did.. Mom took the pictures while I stood there and she went to go pick up some flowers on someone elses grave and I took the camera from her. I reviewed the pictures and this calm, peaceful wave just settled on me and I started crying. In every single picture was this bright, beautiful magenta cross. Like he was saying, "I'm here, I'm okay." I knew he was in Heaven, but seeing this just magnified that feeling and I know he knows how much I loved him and I know he's here with me.
A couple of other things have happened, things I can't explain and things that would make me look crazy.. but I know that he's by my side every night when I lay down to sleep and that makes me feel so much better.
I can picture him laying on his side with one arm around me and his other playing with my hair.. like he did many nights over the past 8 years. He used to play with my hair and rub my face when he couldn't sleep. He used to tell me he loved to watch me sleep. I loved him so much. God, I miss him.
He made this for me a few years ago, I pulled it out of a box the other day and I'll be putting it in sight so I can remember just how much he loved me.
I have yet to watch our home videos, I'm not sure if I'm ready to see how he once was.. I'm not sure if I can handle hearing his voice, but it's the one thing I wish to hear daily. Doesn't make sense, but I didn't say I made any lately.
So much has happened, I feel like my mind has completely fried. I can't remember doing things, saying things, what someone has just told me, or what I have just done. It's ridiculous.
I have been very comforted over the past couple of days. We went out a few days ago and took pictures for his mom. I was completely against it at first, but now I'm glad we did.. Mom took the pictures while I stood there and she went to go pick up some flowers on someone elses grave and I took the camera from her. I reviewed the pictures and this calm, peaceful wave just settled on me and I started crying. In every single picture was this bright, beautiful magenta cross. Like he was saying, "I'm here, I'm okay." I knew he was in Heaven, but seeing this just magnified that feeling and I know he knows how much I loved him and I know he's here with me.
A couple of other things have happened, things I can't explain and things that would make me look crazy.. but I know that he's by my side every night when I lay down to sleep and that makes me feel so much better.
I can picture him laying on his side with one arm around me and his other playing with my hair.. like he did many nights over the past 8 years. He used to play with my hair and rub my face when he couldn't sleep. He used to tell me he loved to watch me sleep. I loved him so much. God, I miss him.
He made this for me a few years ago, I pulled it out of a box the other day and I'll be putting it in sight so I can remember just how much he loved me.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Just Another Day..
It started out terrible. I went to work for 30 minutes only to realize I wasn't ready. I haven't cried that much in a few days and I felt so sick. I came home and slept the day away. If it weren't for my parents, family, friends and his and my babies I would probably give up and give in. That is exactly how I felt today. Ready just to give up. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go through this life without him by my side. I know he's watching over me and I know he'd want me to be okay.. but some days are so hard I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't feel I'm worthy enough some times to even be capable of getting out of bed and moving on with my life when he's no longer here and not able to.
We took some flowers out tonight, mom made him a really pretty arrangement.. and we sat out there for awhile. The sun set and it was absolutely beautiful. The only place it shone through was the trees behind him, and it just stayed right over top of him, shining on him. Like he was telling me he was there with me. I know I want him to show me that he's here, and that sounds crazy.. but I feel like he is, and he's guiding me in some weird way.
The other day I wrote about how Richard would straighten my hair whenever I was taking my sweet time getting ready to go out, he would just grab the straightener and take over while talking to me and while I put on my makeup. I wrote that a day or two into our vacation in Florida. I knew that if he knew that I had told people and if he were still here he would have had a shit fit. The next day I get up to go straighten my hair only to find that my damn straightener wasn't working. I plugged it into every plug in the house and the light never came on. So thanks to him, I'm pretty sure it was his doing, I'm stuck with a POS Walmart one.. if he only remembered how much mom paid for my stupid Chi.
Today marks the first day in years that I have actually had a decent conversation with my mother in law, and for some reason it actually makes me feel so much better. I'll never understand how she has done what she has done, but I have this terrible trait of not letting go of things. We would have still been together, and I guarantee you he'd still be here had I found a way to forgive him for the past. I couldn't get passed some of the things he had done to me and to himself, and I made it hell on him. That'd be the first thing I'd take back if I could. Especially when it came to his mom, because I knew how much he loved her, but I still made it hard when it came to her and I. She was no picnic either, but I should have known better.
I guess, more than anything, it makes it better because she finally.. after all these years, told me that she knew I was good for him.. and I was good enough for him. I never felt good enough for her son, in her eyes.. I knew I was, but she never let me into 'her' life. The rest of the family had accepted me with open arms and if it weren't for Aunt Cindy, Uncle Jim, Alisa and David, I would have felt like a complete outcast the whole time we were together.
I hope we can keep our conversations civil and I hope that maybe one day we can have the relationship we've never had.. only because we loved the same person completely in our own ways.
I sent her a picture of his monument, it'll be out there soon and she actually liked it. I was shocked that she was so happy and liked it, she thought it was beautiful. I just knew she'd hate it.. but it's him.
I was searching for something I had lost today and I came across the last card he'd given me. I remember sitting there at work and I was so upset because it was Valentines Day and I hadn't heard from him. I was at lunch sitting by myself, and I got a phone call and it was him. He was telling my Happy Valentines Day and he told me how beautiful I looked sitting there all alone.. and how he wished he was with me. I hadn't told him I was at lunch, so I look up and look towards the door and there he was standing there with something behind his back and that beautiful grin on his face. He gave me the biggest hug, told me how much he missed me, loved me, and how happy he was to be there. He handed me the card and I didn't want to read it then because I knew I'd cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.. but I peeked at it while he was in line getting food.. It's one of those when you open it, it sings. It scared the crap out of me, I shut it really fast and looked towards him and he had the biggest grin on his face and then started laughing. He came back to the table and said, "So I see you read it, do you like it?" I loved it. Words couldn't describe how much I loved it. It was Martina McBrides song.. I have Been Blessed.
I have been blessed. I was blessed completely the day he walked into my life. Knowing what I know now, and some of you will probably think I'm crazy, I'd go through it all again. That is how much I loved him. I loved him more than life and I always will. Always and forever as we'd always say.
I guess after the long day I've had, it's nice to be able to talk to her despite all the problems because she's one of my last links to my husband.. the person I'll love for the rest of my life.
We took some flowers out tonight, mom made him a really pretty arrangement.. and we sat out there for awhile. The sun set and it was absolutely beautiful. The only place it shone through was the trees behind him, and it just stayed right over top of him, shining on him. Like he was telling me he was there with me. I know I want him to show me that he's here, and that sounds crazy.. but I feel like he is, and he's guiding me in some weird way.
The other day I wrote about how Richard would straighten my hair whenever I was taking my sweet time getting ready to go out, he would just grab the straightener and take over while talking to me and while I put on my makeup. I wrote that a day or two into our vacation in Florida. I knew that if he knew that I had told people and if he were still here he would have had a shit fit. The next day I get up to go straighten my hair only to find that my damn straightener wasn't working. I plugged it into every plug in the house and the light never came on. So thanks to him, I'm pretty sure it was his doing, I'm stuck with a POS Walmart one.. if he only remembered how much mom paid for my stupid Chi.
Today marks the first day in years that I have actually had a decent conversation with my mother in law, and for some reason it actually makes me feel so much better. I'll never understand how she has done what she has done, but I have this terrible trait of not letting go of things. We would have still been together, and I guarantee you he'd still be here had I found a way to forgive him for the past. I couldn't get passed some of the things he had done to me and to himself, and I made it hell on him. That'd be the first thing I'd take back if I could. Especially when it came to his mom, because I knew how much he loved her, but I still made it hard when it came to her and I. She was no picnic either, but I should have known better.
I guess, more than anything, it makes it better because she finally.. after all these years, told me that she knew I was good for him.. and I was good enough for him. I never felt good enough for her son, in her eyes.. I knew I was, but she never let me into 'her' life. The rest of the family had accepted me with open arms and if it weren't for Aunt Cindy, Uncle Jim, Alisa and David, I would have felt like a complete outcast the whole time we were together.
I hope we can keep our conversations civil and I hope that maybe one day we can have the relationship we've never had.. only because we loved the same person completely in our own ways.
I sent her a picture of his monument, it'll be out there soon and she actually liked it. I was shocked that she was so happy and liked it, she thought it was beautiful. I just knew she'd hate it.. but it's him.
I was searching for something I had lost today and I came across the last card he'd given me. I remember sitting there at work and I was so upset because it was Valentines Day and I hadn't heard from him. I was at lunch sitting by myself, and I got a phone call and it was him. He was telling my Happy Valentines Day and he told me how beautiful I looked sitting there all alone.. and how he wished he was with me. I hadn't told him I was at lunch, so I look up and look towards the door and there he was standing there with something behind his back and that beautiful grin on his face. He gave me the biggest hug, told me how much he missed me, loved me, and how happy he was to be there. He handed me the card and I didn't want to read it then because I knew I'd cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.. but I peeked at it while he was in line getting food.. It's one of those when you open it, it sings. It scared the crap out of me, I shut it really fast and looked towards him and he had the biggest grin on his face and then started laughing. He came back to the table and said, "So I see you read it, do you like it?" I loved it. Words couldn't describe how much I loved it. It was Martina McBrides song.. I have Been Blessed.
I have been blessed. I was blessed completely the day he walked into my life. Knowing what I know now, and some of you will probably think I'm crazy, I'd go through it all again. That is how much I loved him. I loved him more than life and I always will. Always and forever as we'd always say.
I guess after the long day I've had, it's nice to be able to talk to her despite all the problems because she's one of my last links to my husband.. the person I'll love for the rest of my life.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Back to reality..
I've only been home for two hours, but let me tell you.. it already sucks. I don't know if I want to sleep in my bed yet in my house alone, or sleep in my old bed upstairs in my parents house. The only way I've been getting any sleep lately is taking Tylenol PM. If I don't, I just lie awake for hours on end reliving the past few horrible weeks. It'll be three weeks monday and while some times when I say that it seems like it's flown by.. then other times I think the days couldn't drag on any longer than what they are at that very moment. I used to love taking nice, long, hot showers.. but now I actually dread it. I used to use those times just to think.. to plan my next day and make a mental list of what I need to get done.. now all I can think about is sitting there in front of that doctor listening to him say, "he's dead, he's been gone for a few hours." Me, sitting there with a blank look on my face, screaming, "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" I know I had to have looked like a complete idiot and probably fit in well with my mother in law, but that's the only words I could manage to squeeze out at that moment. Remembering the Chaplain telling me the moment I had arrived in the room, that they bring him on for occasions such as these.. and it never dawned on me that my husband was dead. I don't know why, but when things happened to him, my initial reaction, or feelings were that of anger.. I guess it's my nature, but I always get angry before I get worried or upset. I just knew I was going to get to walk into that hospital room and jump his ass for whatever reason he was in there.. not to mention the DWI he got the night before. I just knew it. It never even hit me that I'd never get to hear his voice again or have him hug me, kiss me, hold me.. anything.
We had planned months ago to go on vacation to Florida. We decided to go even after everything that has happened. I thought maybe it would help.. but then I come home to the reminders that my husband is really gone. His boots sitting in my doorway, that he'll never wear again. The plants and flowers, only reminders that we had to bury him.. the pictures that we put up near his casket.. again, terrible reminders.. I'm not sure if I should keep all of this in sight or put it up. Some moments I don't want the reminders, then I feel like if it's all put away, I feel like I can't breathe.. I want the reminders. I can't tell if I'm coming or going anymore.
I just want to go a few hours, without reliving that horrible day. Without hearing those words being replayed in my head over and over again. Without remembering how cold and hard he was when I touched him.. without remembering the smell.. without remembering his funeral, and without hearing those songs that remind me of him. Without the what-ifs, without wondering how I'm going to go on with my life because I don't know how to. I just wish I could cut all the cords to my brain that help me think. I'm tired of thinking. God, I'm tired of thinking.
Some people don't know what to say to someone when they suffer a loss. I'll tell you what not to say, but only because I'm being ugly right now. If your spouse is still alive, still breathing, still able to communicate to. Whether it be by phone, texting, email, snail mail.. any of the above - DO NOT tell me you know how I feel and do not even try and compare the two. Once your wife or your husband is no longer walking around, breathing.. once they are put in a casket, once they have to have makeup on to cover the color that they have turned, once you bury them and know that the hump in the ground means that he's really buried under it.. once you look at the marker and the only thing left of them says their name, date or birth and date of death.. the only way of feeling close to them is sitting beside their grave.. Do not tell me you know how I feel because until then, you have no clue.
If you have that luxury of being able to look forward to doing something with them, talking to them, just being with them.. then you have no clue what it is like to look at your future and not see them there. At all. Ever again.
We had planned months ago to go on vacation to Florida. We decided to go even after everything that has happened. I thought maybe it would help.. but then I come home to the reminders that my husband is really gone. His boots sitting in my doorway, that he'll never wear again. The plants and flowers, only reminders that we had to bury him.. the pictures that we put up near his casket.. again, terrible reminders.. I'm not sure if I should keep all of this in sight or put it up. Some moments I don't want the reminders, then I feel like if it's all put away, I feel like I can't breathe.. I want the reminders. I can't tell if I'm coming or going anymore.
I just want to go a few hours, without reliving that horrible day. Without hearing those words being replayed in my head over and over again. Without remembering how cold and hard he was when I touched him.. without remembering the smell.. without remembering his funeral, and without hearing those songs that remind me of him. Without the what-ifs, without wondering how I'm going to go on with my life because I don't know how to. I just wish I could cut all the cords to my brain that help me think. I'm tired of thinking. God, I'm tired of thinking.
Some people don't know what to say to someone when they suffer a loss. I'll tell you what not to say, but only because I'm being ugly right now. If your spouse is still alive, still breathing, still able to communicate to. Whether it be by phone, texting, email, snail mail.. any of the above - DO NOT tell me you know how I feel and do not even try and compare the two. Once your wife or your husband is no longer walking around, breathing.. once they are put in a casket, once they have to have makeup on to cover the color that they have turned, once you bury them and know that the hump in the ground means that he's really buried under it.. once you look at the marker and the only thing left of them says their name, date or birth and date of death.. the only way of feeling close to them is sitting beside their grave.. Do not tell me you know how I feel because until then, you have no clue.
If you have that luxury of being able to look forward to doing something with them, talking to them, just being with them.. then you have no clue what it is like to look at your future and not see them there. At all. Ever again.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Last night in Florida..
Tonight is our last night in Florida and I can already feel the overwhelming sadness take over once again. I am not ready to go back home and deal with anything. I know I have to call a lot of people in Austin and let him know he passed away. I have to write a thousand thank you letters, I should have done that sooner.. I have mail piling up of his that I have to figure out what to do with. It's just overwhelming.. scary and sad.. I have to figure out how to one day restart my life and that scares me more than anything. I've got to start getting everything ready for college. Something I should have done a long time ago, but I always seem to put it off and now that time is getting closer and closer. I finally found a good book yesterday. I'm going to get off here and start reading again. Goodnight.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Who does this?
We're at Big Kahunas in Florida, it's a waterpark. Standing in line with about 100 other people, holding our tubes and waiting to go down the slide.. and without warning I just start crying, trying to be as quiet as I can and not draw any attention I just cry. Who does this? Who stands in the middle of a crowd and feels so alone and the sadness just seems to creep and take over. There was a guy in the wave pool, that was about 16 or 17 that was wearing a life jacket. The life jacket was for the little kids, but I was watching him and his girlfriend and it hit me like a ton of bricks, Richard would have done the same embarrassing thing. He used to do things like that just to embarrass the crap out of me. He loved it. On that ride that I just started crying on, I think it was because we always did stuff like that together. We never went down as singles, we always had our double tubes and he'd try and wipe us out or tip us over. I caught myself thinking about it and wishing he'd just walk up behind me and wrap his arms around me. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm so tired of thinking about the next things in life. I'm just going through the motions right now, just having to get through one thing to get to the next. Some days I don't even see the point but I know I have to. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy again. I don't see that far into my future. Everyone keeps telling me I'll be dating again soon and I don't see that. What guy is going to want a 22 year old widow, with 5 dogs and a cat that is a nascar fan? I just don't see it.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Today..
My cousin sent me this in an email and it fits me perfectly.
I can't numb the pain with distractions and busyness; as soon as I lie still, I'm left alone with my thoughts. I'm so used to crying now that i just let the tears stream down my face and soak my pillow case. Eventually i fall asleep. In the morning I have a few peaceful seconds before i remember the way things are, and then i have to face it all over again and try to make it through another day pretending everything is okay. But nothing is okay. I just can't keep going on like this. It hurts too much. But those times at night, when i can't escape my thoughts any longer, i keep wondering why God allowed this to happen? And my tears are both sad and angry, till i finally fall asleep again.
-----
I had decided to start going to church and actually go to a counselor or someone to help me sort through my feelings. I can't figure out if I'm sad, hurt, or mad as I can be. Some days I want revenge, other days I just want to lay down and forget about it all, but I know I can't. I know I have to keep going until I know exactly how he died. The rumors that are floating around and the amount of people who think someone had a part in this, I can't just sit still and not find justice for him. No matter how much finding out what he was doing these past couple of weeks hurt. I know he would be so ashamed if he knew I knew it all.
------
I wrote this one of the first nights after he died..
I have never felt this way before, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act.. or what I'm even going to do. I have spent the last 8 years loving someone more than life. I have helped him so many times and he's overcome some of the hardest times in his life with me. Anytime something happened to him, he always came back to me. I took that for granted. No matter what we said to each other, no matter how we said it, no matter what he would always use that little smirk to get himself out of trouble and it always worked. No matter what he did or how mad I was, he could always warm my heart again. He loved our little family more than anything. Even when we were seperated he would call several times a day or during the week just to tell me to give his babies love. He was like a proud daddy when he bought Camo for me. We snuck him into so many places, Richard loved it. When we first got him we snuck him into Brookshires, Tejas and Eckerds [now CVS] and showed him to everyone. Okay, so it really wasn't sneaking. Everyone loved him. Richard taught Camo how to smile, anyime Camo got into trouble, he'd come up to us and show us his front teeth and that was his way out of trouble. He was so proud of that.
When we had our second baby, Kali, Richard worked several days to get her, we didn't have the $300 to buy her at the time since we had just moved into our house.. but he worked building kennels at the place she was and surprised me with her. He even put a pink ribbon around her. When she died, he stayed with me for a little while just to calm me down, then went around midnight and picked her up and drove all the way to my parents house to bury her. Just because we knew if we moved, she'd be somewhere where we could always visit her. He buried her and came back home to me and the babies and helped me bottle feed her puppies.
He was up with me every two hours helping bottle feed Kami and Malley. They were our children, we bottle fed them, took pictures of everything and Richard even videotaped some of their firsts. I remember him laying in the floor with them when they were first learning to walk.. and he kept saying, "babe, watch this.. aww.. watch that.." I can still hear him laughing everytime they fell over, or wobbled into a piece of furniture. Their first time on the grass, he made sure we videotaped it. Their first time in the snow, he made sure I got it. Their first time in the pool, we had to have pictures. He loved them so much.
I'll never forget when he brought Casey home. He made me promise to not name her anything NASCAR related. HEck, I was going to name her something Dale Jr related but he through a fit. It just so happened that Casey Mears won his first NASCAR Nationwide race that day, and I knew that Richard would never suspect that, so I just told him I wanted to name her Casey. It was a year later when I told him and he laughed so hard. It was too late for him to change her name then! After the first couple of days, once Casey got used to us and the house, and the first time she chewed through the dry wall in the washroom, Richard wanted to take her down and have her stomach xrayed just to see what all she was eating. She was into everything! She was chewing the wood off the side of the walls in the bathroom. That girl was a mess.
At Alisa and Shawn's wedding, I had talked to Alisa and I had first pick for one of their puppies. I was so excited. Then, just like Richard.. he shows up with the cutest little black Lab and said, "aww babe, look at him. I just couldn't leave him! How can you say no to this cute wittle face." There was no way I could refuse so that's when Hunter joined our ever growing family. I'll never forget the first time we took Casey and Hunter out on the boat with us. We were waiting for his mom and aunt to come down to the dock to go tubing with us. Hunter grew impatient pretty fast and decided to dive into the water. It wasn't a second later and Richard was jumping in after him. He was so mad. That was the nastiest part of the lake and he was jumping in after that dog. It was hilarious. I smile just thinking about it. It was so nasty that I had to take Hunter to the vet for ear infections!
After we got Casey, about a year before Hunter joined us. There was a cat sitting on our front porch one day. I went out to check on it and it was really, really sick. I did all I could for that baby, but we ended up having to call animal control because we were afraid it had a disease and could have hurt our babies. He knew how upset I was because they said they were going to have to put it down if it didn't die before they got back to the office. A week later, probably not even that. Richard and Jeremy went out of town, and I was expecting them back that night, but he came to my side of the bed, said, "hey babe, look what I got for you.." and handed me the cutest little kitten I had ever seen. She was scared to death, and rightfully so.. Richard had just chased her for about an hour because she escaped out of the truck when they opened the door. He hated her, the first week he had gotten the bright idea to put tape on her paws and put her down on the floor.. it was so mean, but it was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It's weird.. he didn't like her, but the past few times he had come back home, he would spend so much time loving on her.
He hated that I loved NASCAR as much as I do.. he dreaded Sundays because he knew that I would be in front of the TV cheering on my guy.. but he always loved going out to the track. He did so much, went so out of his way to get my autographs of my favorite guys. He would get so excited whehn he got an autograph. In 2007, before we got to the track he told me he was going to get Dale Jr's autograph. When he said something he was determined, he usually always got his way. He was all over pit road in search of Dale Jr. And it just so happened that he won the pole, Richard found out exactly where he was and I'll be damned if he didn't get Dale Jr's autograph. Then he took off running, I couldn't figure out what he was doing.. he came back to me and tried to get the camera and said he was going to get a picture with Dale Jr. I was like, "the hell you are, if anyone's getting a dang picture with him, it'll be me!" haha.
We had some really good times.. I will always be his wife and I know how much he loved me and our family. No one will ever be able to take that away from me. You can try, but you'll never succeed. There were two sides of Richard, one side he never let me see. He protected me from it and I'll always cherish that. I got the side of Richard that was the best, the most caring and loving.
The last call I got from him, he told me how much he loved me and missed me and how much he hated living in that apartment. I wish I had told him to come home. I would give anything to go back a week and bring my husband home.
Every night, before we went to sleep he would roll over and kiss me on the lips, then the forehead, tell me he loved me and sweet dreams. Every single night. That's a memory I will hold forever in my heart. So, I love you and sweet dreams baby.
I can't numb the pain with distractions and busyness; as soon as I lie still, I'm left alone with my thoughts. I'm so used to crying now that i just let the tears stream down my face and soak my pillow case. Eventually i fall asleep. In the morning I have a few peaceful seconds before i remember the way things are, and then i have to face it all over again and try to make it through another day pretending everything is okay. But nothing is okay. I just can't keep going on like this. It hurts too much. But those times at night, when i can't escape my thoughts any longer, i keep wondering why God allowed this to happen? And my tears are both sad and angry, till i finally fall asleep again.
-----
I had decided to start going to church and actually go to a counselor or someone to help me sort through my feelings. I can't figure out if I'm sad, hurt, or mad as I can be. Some days I want revenge, other days I just want to lay down and forget about it all, but I know I can't. I know I have to keep going until I know exactly how he died. The rumors that are floating around and the amount of people who think someone had a part in this, I can't just sit still and not find justice for him. No matter how much finding out what he was doing these past couple of weeks hurt. I know he would be so ashamed if he knew I knew it all.
------
I wrote this one of the first nights after he died..
I have never felt this way before, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act.. or what I'm even going to do. I have spent the last 8 years loving someone more than life. I have helped him so many times and he's overcome some of the hardest times in his life with me. Anytime something happened to him, he always came back to me. I took that for granted. No matter what we said to each other, no matter how we said it, no matter what he would always use that little smirk to get himself out of trouble and it always worked. No matter what he did or how mad I was, he could always warm my heart again. He loved our little family more than anything. Even when we were seperated he would call several times a day or during the week just to tell me to give his babies love. He was like a proud daddy when he bought Camo for me. We snuck him into so many places, Richard loved it. When we first got him we snuck him into Brookshires, Tejas and Eckerds [now CVS] and showed him to everyone. Okay, so it really wasn't sneaking. Everyone loved him. Richard taught Camo how to smile, anyime Camo got into trouble, he'd come up to us and show us his front teeth and that was his way out of trouble. He was so proud of that.
When we had our second baby, Kali, Richard worked several days to get her, we didn't have the $300 to buy her at the time since we had just moved into our house.. but he worked building kennels at the place she was and surprised me with her. He even put a pink ribbon around her. When she died, he stayed with me for a little while just to calm me down, then went around midnight and picked her up and drove all the way to my parents house to bury her. Just because we knew if we moved, she'd be somewhere where we could always visit her. He buried her and came back home to me and the babies and helped me bottle feed her puppies.
He was up with me every two hours helping bottle feed Kami and Malley. They were our children, we bottle fed them, took pictures of everything and Richard even videotaped some of their firsts. I remember him laying in the floor with them when they were first learning to walk.. and he kept saying, "babe, watch this.. aww.. watch that.." I can still hear him laughing everytime they fell over, or wobbled into a piece of furniture. Their first time on the grass, he made sure we videotaped it. Their first time in the snow, he made sure I got it. Their first time in the pool, we had to have pictures. He loved them so much.
I'll never forget when he brought Casey home. He made me promise to not name her anything NASCAR related. HEck, I was going to name her something Dale Jr related but he through a fit. It just so happened that Casey Mears won his first NASCAR Nationwide race that day, and I knew that Richard would never suspect that, so I just told him I wanted to name her Casey. It was a year later when I told him and he laughed so hard. It was too late for him to change her name then! After the first couple of days, once Casey got used to us and the house, and the first time she chewed through the dry wall in the washroom, Richard wanted to take her down and have her stomach xrayed just to see what all she was eating. She was into everything! She was chewing the wood off the side of the walls in the bathroom. That girl was a mess.
At Alisa and Shawn's wedding, I had talked to Alisa and I had first pick for one of their puppies. I was so excited. Then, just like Richard.. he shows up with the cutest little black Lab and said, "aww babe, look at him. I just couldn't leave him! How can you say no to this cute wittle face." There was no way I could refuse so that's when Hunter joined our ever growing family. I'll never forget the first time we took Casey and Hunter out on the boat with us. We were waiting for his mom and aunt to come down to the dock to go tubing with us. Hunter grew impatient pretty fast and decided to dive into the water. It wasn't a second later and Richard was jumping in after him. He was so mad. That was the nastiest part of the lake and he was jumping in after that dog. It was hilarious. I smile just thinking about it. It was so nasty that I had to take Hunter to the vet for ear infections!
After we got Casey, about a year before Hunter joined us. There was a cat sitting on our front porch one day. I went out to check on it and it was really, really sick. I did all I could for that baby, but we ended up having to call animal control because we were afraid it had a disease and could have hurt our babies. He knew how upset I was because they said they were going to have to put it down if it didn't die before they got back to the office. A week later, probably not even that. Richard and Jeremy went out of town, and I was expecting them back that night, but he came to my side of the bed, said, "hey babe, look what I got for you.." and handed me the cutest little kitten I had ever seen. She was scared to death, and rightfully so.. Richard had just chased her for about an hour because she escaped out of the truck when they opened the door. He hated her, the first week he had gotten the bright idea to put tape on her paws and put her down on the floor.. it was so mean, but it was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It's weird.. he didn't like her, but the past few times he had come back home, he would spend so much time loving on her.
He hated that I loved NASCAR as much as I do.. he dreaded Sundays because he knew that I would be in front of the TV cheering on my guy.. but he always loved going out to the track. He did so much, went so out of his way to get my autographs of my favorite guys. He would get so excited whehn he got an autograph. In 2007, before we got to the track he told me he was going to get Dale Jr's autograph. When he said something he was determined, he usually always got his way. He was all over pit road in search of Dale Jr. And it just so happened that he won the pole, Richard found out exactly where he was and I'll be damned if he didn't get Dale Jr's autograph. Then he took off running, I couldn't figure out what he was doing.. he came back to me and tried to get the camera and said he was going to get a picture with Dale Jr. I was like, "the hell you are, if anyone's getting a dang picture with him, it'll be me!" haha.
We had some really good times.. I will always be his wife and I know how much he loved me and our family. No one will ever be able to take that away from me. You can try, but you'll never succeed. There were two sides of Richard, one side he never let me see. He protected me from it and I'll always cherish that. I got the side of Richard that was the best, the most caring and loving.
The last call I got from him, he told me how much he loved me and missed me and how much he hated living in that apartment. I wish I had told him to come home. I would give anything to go back a week and bring my husband home.
Every night, before we went to sleep he would roll over and kiss me on the lips, then the forehead, tell me he loved me and sweet dreams. Every single night. That's a memory I will hold forever in my heart. So, I love you and sweet dreams baby.
Monday, June 8, 2009 - more memories.
So, day one in Florida hasn't gone all that great. There were just so many good times here. We drove past a lot of the places that Richard and I had been too, and all of these memories come flooding back.. and it was too much to handle so I have just cried pretty much all day. I had been doing well until now. I guess due to the fact that I really haven't left the house since he died except to go to the funeral home, church and walmart in almost two weeks. We drove past a movie gallery, and I remember the last time we were here it was raining one night so we decided to go rent a movie. He's so picky when it comes to movies, or maybe I was because we could rarely decide on a movie together, so it took almost 45 minutes before we finally decided on what we were going to get. We went to the counter to check out and they wouldn't let us because we didn't have a membership. It didn't matter that we had one in Texas, Florida is completely different. So, we left there and went across the street to the grocery store to look for a movie and couldn't find one so we just got some snacks and he bought me some cokes.
We were headed out and I spotted this cute little dog store. It had the cutest little shirts in there and some of the cutest beds and accessories. I remember he found this adorable shirt for Camo, it was a shirt that was leather and it said Harley Dude on it and we almost bought it until he looked at the tag and it was $30, he put it back real fast like he thought he was going to break it. You know that saying, break and you buy.. Well I had been preaching that to him all week because we had been to all the Wing Stops.. and looking at all the knick knacks and stuff. Richard was really bad about picking breakable things up and not being really gentle with it, so I was always behind him making sure he didn't break it and that he sat it back where it went. haha. Walmart was the hardest on me, because we spent hours in there.. just checking out all the neat things that our walmart didn't have.
We went to the beach today, a few hours after we got here and just sitting there watching the waves come in, and watching everyone with their boyfriends and husbands just made me want to yell at them and tell them to appreciate it. I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it.. and now that it's gone it's tearing me up inside. You know, there was always that chance for us to get back together and work things out, now that chance is completely gone. I mean, even when we were seperated.. not even a month ago we were talking about fixing things. He was willing to go to a counselor but I was too damn stubborn and set in my ways to give in yet again and get my heart stomped all over, again. He was talking about getting a house, and a big backyard for Casey and Hunter to run in.. now Casey and Hunter won't ever get to play catch with their daddy.. [or keep away as Hunter does]..EVER again. This reality hits me over and over again and each time it hits harder than the previous. This ache in my heart seems to grow by every passing minute. The reality that I'm going to keep going through life and Richard isn't, keeps hitting and it's almost too much to bear. The fact that I'm going to have to eventually deal with loss, again, without him tears me up. The loss of our babies is going to be dealt with on my own. It's just not fair.
The little things that used to irritate me.. the little things he did on purpose just to get a rise out of me.. I wish I had them again. I would give anything for him to get out of the shower, completely naked and walk into the bedroom soaking wet asking for a towel that was in the same room with him used to irritate the hell out of me. He knew where it was, I think he was just showing off. If the towel didn't smell clean, he'd pull out of nice clean t-shirt our of the drawer and use that.. and not even well at that. He'd get into the bed soaking wet and lay on top of me. That drove me nuts! I would give anything for that now! He'd cuddle with me, and he'd throw his right leg over top of me and lay his head on my back, he'd tell me that he just loved listening to my heartbeat.. and listening to me breathe.. but I'd burn up. He would give me backrubs for hours.. and sometimes I think he did it subconsciously in the middle of the night and I don't think he ever realized it. What I would give to have him laying beside me now.. just listening to him breathe. I remember for years, I would lay on his chest and listen to him breathe in and out and try staying in rythym with him. He used to laugh so hard at me, because our breathing was completely different.. he always breathed so slow.. that I'd have to catch my breath again and start all over.
Who am I going to call when I do something stupid? Who am I going to call when something good happens to me.. which right now seems as far away as the possibility of finding someone else does right now..? Who am I going to call when something happens to the babies, or they do something so cute?
I can be in the room with 20 other people and the lonlieness tears me up inside.. that emptiness overshadows any other feeling I'm capable of having at this very moment. It almost still seems like Richard is out doing his thing.. and I still feel like I can call and talk to him whenever I want.. the fact remains though that his body is 6 ft under ground in a casket.. but yet that doesn't seem right. I know it's only been two weeks so the newness is still there. I just can't get over this feeling. I go to sleep just so I can dream of him.. dreaming is better than reality. I hadn't dreamed about him until the last two nights and now that I'm dreaming of him going to sleep is so much more peaceful than what it was a few days ago.
We were headed out and I spotted this cute little dog store. It had the cutest little shirts in there and some of the cutest beds and accessories. I remember he found this adorable shirt for Camo, it was a shirt that was leather and it said Harley Dude on it and we almost bought it until he looked at the tag and it was $30, he put it back real fast like he thought he was going to break it. You know that saying, break and you buy.. Well I had been preaching that to him all week because we had been to all the Wing Stops.. and looking at all the knick knacks and stuff. Richard was really bad about picking breakable things up and not being really gentle with it, so I was always behind him making sure he didn't break it and that he sat it back where it went. haha. Walmart was the hardest on me, because we spent hours in there.. just checking out all the neat things that our walmart didn't have.
We went to the beach today, a few hours after we got here and just sitting there watching the waves come in, and watching everyone with their boyfriends and husbands just made me want to yell at them and tell them to appreciate it. I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it.. and now that it's gone it's tearing me up inside. You know, there was always that chance for us to get back together and work things out, now that chance is completely gone. I mean, even when we were seperated.. not even a month ago we were talking about fixing things. He was willing to go to a counselor but I was too damn stubborn and set in my ways to give in yet again and get my heart stomped all over, again. He was talking about getting a house, and a big backyard for Casey and Hunter to run in.. now Casey and Hunter won't ever get to play catch with their daddy.. [or keep away as Hunter does]..EVER again. This reality hits me over and over again and each time it hits harder than the previous. This ache in my heart seems to grow by every passing minute. The reality that I'm going to keep going through life and Richard isn't, keeps hitting and it's almost too much to bear. The fact that I'm going to have to eventually deal with loss, again, without him tears me up. The loss of our babies is going to be dealt with on my own. It's just not fair.
The little things that used to irritate me.. the little things he did on purpose just to get a rise out of me.. I wish I had them again. I would give anything for him to get out of the shower, completely naked and walk into the bedroom soaking wet asking for a towel that was in the same room with him used to irritate the hell out of me. He knew where it was, I think he was just showing off. If the towel didn't smell clean, he'd pull out of nice clean t-shirt our of the drawer and use that.. and not even well at that. He'd get into the bed soaking wet and lay on top of me. That drove me nuts! I would give anything for that now! He'd cuddle with me, and he'd throw his right leg over top of me and lay his head on my back, he'd tell me that he just loved listening to my heartbeat.. and listening to me breathe.. but I'd burn up. He would give me backrubs for hours.. and sometimes I think he did it subconsciously in the middle of the night and I don't think he ever realized it. What I would give to have him laying beside me now.. just listening to him breathe. I remember for years, I would lay on his chest and listen to him breathe in and out and try staying in rythym with him. He used to laugh so hard at me, because our breathing was completely different.. he always breathed so slow.. that I'd have to catch my breath again and start all over.
Who am I going to call when I do something stupid? Who am I going to call when something good happens to me.. which right now seems as far away as the possibility of finding someone else does right now..? Who am I going to call when something happens to the babies, or they do something so cute?
I can be in the room with 20 other people and the lonlieness tears me up inside.. that emptiness overshadows any other feeling I'm capable of having at this very moment. It almost still seems like Richard is out doing his thing.. and I still feel like I can call and talk to him whenever I want.. the fact remains though that his body is 6 ft under ground in a casket.. but yet that doesn't seem right. I know it's only been two weeks so the newness is still there. I just can't get over this feeling. I go to sleep just so I can dream of him.. dreaming is better than reality. I hadn't dreamed about him until the last two nights and now that I'm dreaming of him going to sleep is so much more peaceful than what it was a few days ago.
Thursday, June 4, 2009 - literally heartbroken.
I'm living my worst nightmare. my heart is actually aching. I wish my mind would stop wandering.. I wish I could get through the day without the what-ifs.. without thinking about anything.. without hearing the doctor say, "he died.. he's been dead for a few hours." Without feeling that knot growing in my stomach.. and that ache becoming steadier in my heart.
I was flat ironing my hair awhile ago, we're getting up pretty early and I know worrying about my hair is going to be the last thing on my mind.. It was quiet and I was concentrating on fixing my hair and the memory came back to me. On nights when I was anxious and didn't feel like straightening my hair all I had to do was call his name. I think he actually enjoyed being in there with me, and probably pulling my hair out.. and don't laugh - because he did it! He would straighten my hair for me and we'd talk about our day or whatever, then we'd go on to something else.. but tonight, I couldn't call his name because he wasn't here. That's a reality that's been hitting home so much lately. We hadn't been together as much as I wish we had but we had spent a lot of time together over the past few months for being seperated.
I wake up some nights and still check my phone, awaiting that text message that he would send me around 11 o'clock. The one that just said I miss you, good night and sweet dreams baby girl. I still check it. Knowing he's gone, knowing he's not coming back.. knowing all of that, I still check it! WHY? I'm doing this to myself.
I was looking for my contacts case tonight and I had pulled everything out of my cabinets and I found a dream catcher he made me when he was in jail a few years ago. I put it above my bed. I'm grasping at anything right now just to be close to him, isn't that stupid?
I know some of you are looking at me, watching my every move.. trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this.. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I guess I'm just going to go hour to hour until I can manage day to day. Don't feel bad if you don't know what to say, because honestly I don't know what to say to my friend who lost her husband and I'm going through the same thing. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my worst nightmare and I wish I could wake up and he'd still be alive. Even if we weren't together my baby would still be breathing.
I'm an emotional mess. I can't think straight. I don't remember anything and I'm scared to death I'm going to forget him through the years. I think thats what scares me more than anything. I'm going to get older and he's going to remain stuck here. How is this fair? I know I should be mature about it, but I just don't get it. Some of the worst people in the world are still alive and he's gone. He wasn't a bad person, he just made bad choices.
God, I miss him so much. I've been visiting the cemetary a couple times, and I took Camo out there. He went straight to him and smelled the flowers. Do you think he knows? Do you think he understands that his daddy is gone? I would give anything to hear Richard tell Camo to smile and laugh when he did it. I would give anything to hear him get so excited when seeing Kami, Malley, Casey and Hunter.
I was watching The Hills the either day and Heidi said, "Til death do us part, that's how you're goin' buddy.." And I wanted to reach through the TV and shake her, this shit isn't funny! Don't laugh when you say that! When people say they about died, it makes me sick.. don't laugh about it, it's not something you say lightheartedly anymore. Not around me anyways. Maybe this feeling will go away and I won't over analyze every damn thing that is said, but right now I'm being overly sensitive with this.. and I feel I have every right to. Nobody plans on burying the person they love.. especially not at 23 years old. I would give anything to go back three years ago and have my husband again.
There's probably going to be a lot of these blogs over the next few weeks or whatever.. for some reason they give me a sense of relief after I get all these feelings out.
I was flat ironing my hair awhile ago, we're getting up pretty early and I know worrying about my hair is going to be the last thing on my mind.. It was quiet and I was concentrating on fixing my hair and the memory came back to me. On nights when I was anxious and didn't feel like straightening my hair all I had to do was call his name. I think he actually enjoyed being in there with me, and probably pulling my hair out.. and don't laugh - because he did it! He would straighten my hair for me and we'd talk about our day or whatever, then we'd go on to something else.. but tonight, I couldn't call his name because he wasn't here. That's a reality that's been hitting home so much lately. We hadn't been together as much as I wish we had but we had spent a lot of time together over the past few months for being seperated.
I wake up some nights and still check my phone, awaiting that text message that he would send me around 11 o'clock. The one that just said I miss you, good night and sweet dreams baby girl. I still check it. Knowing he's gone, knowing he's not coming back.. knowing all of that, I still check it! WHY? I'm doing this to myself.
I was looking for my contacts case tonight and I had pulled everything out of my cabinets and I found a dream catcher he made me when he was in jail a few years ago. I put it above my bed. I'm grasping at anything right now just to be close to him, isn't that stupid?
I know some of you are looking at me, watching my every move.. trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this.. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I guess I'm just going to go hour to hour until I can manage day to day. Don't feel bad if you don't know what to say, because honestly I don't know what to say to my friend who lost her husband and I'm going through the same thing. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my worst nightmare and I wish I could wake up and he'd still be alive. Even if we weren't together my baby would still be breathing.
I'm an emotional mess. I can't think straight. I don't remember anything and I'm scared to death I'm going to forget him through the years. I think thats what scares me more than anything. I'm going to get older and he's going to remain stuck here. How is this fair? I know I should be mature about it, but I just don't get it. Some of the worst people in the world are still alive and he's gone. He wasn't a bad person, he just made bad choices.
God, I miss him so much. I've been visiting the cemetary a couple times, and I took Camo out there. He went straight to him and smelled the flowers. Do you think he knows? Do you think he understands that his daddy is gone? I would give anything to hear Richard tell Camo to smile and laugh when he did it. I would give anything to hear him get so excited when seeing Kami, Malley, Casey and Hunter.
I was watching The Hills the either day and Heidi said, "Til death do us part, that's how you're goin' buddy.." And I wanted to reach through the TV and shake her, this shit isn't funny! Don't laugh when you say that! When people say they about died, it makes me sick.. don't laugh about it, it's not something you say lightheartedly anymore. Not around me anyways. Maybe this feeling will go away and I won't over analyze every damn thing that is said, but right now I'm being overly sensitive with this.. and I feel I have every right to. Nobody plans on burying the person they love.. especially not at 23 years old. I would give anything to go back three years ago and have my husband again.
There's probably going to be a lot of these blogs over the next few weeks or whatever.. for some reason they give me a sense of relief after I get all these feelings out.
Monday, June 1, 2009 - Richard Dean
I started blogging elsewhere so I thought I'd move these and resume my blogging here.
Richard Dean..
Where do I even start?
I remember the first day that I saw him.. it was my second semester of my freshman year. There was this gorgeous boy with dark curly hair in this baby blue long sleeved shirt and these ripped jeans. He turned around and smiled at me and I remember saying, "wow". It was 7th period, I think, in English.. he walked in and handed the teacher his slip and I remember pushing a girl out of her chair and telling the teacher there was an empty seat beside me. I had never done anything like that before, and honestly, 8 years later, I still can't believe I did it. I remember him asking for pieces of paper, pens, whatever I had that he could borrow.. and he finally admitted to me after we were married that he did that just to be able to talk to me.
We talked for awhile and he became my best friend. We wrote letters every period and we'd find each other in the hallway just for a hug and swap letters and we'd go to our next class - that is the days he actually showed up. We started dating the day after Easter and once the girls found out, it was on. I had never been in detention before, never been in trouble before, period.. that monday back to school was the day everything changed. I almost got jumped after first period. I remember Richard and Trey intervening and stopping whoever it was from getting near me. It's funny now, because I remember Trey running down the hall screaming my name and jumping in front of me, and Richard was already there. I got two days of ISS, well actually just one, but it was originally two. I still have all of our letters and all of the cards he's ever given me. It's nice because I can look back and see how much he loved me and days like today I really need the reminder.
It's been a week today since he died, and the shock still hasn't worn off. I guess that's why I'm able to sit here and remember him the way he was before we seperated this last time.
In 9th grade I had quit eating.. and I can still remember Richard and Trey sitting there staring at me until I ate. Begging me to eat, I just wasn't hungry and back then I didn't really see it as a problem. I understand it now, but I'm also a lot older. I didn't know until this past week though that Richard would call my mom and let her know what I ate and if I didn't eat.
Everything with him was a first for me. First time I had ever fallen in love, first kiss, first heartbreak.. it wasn't for him, but atleast I can always say that I was the only one he ever committed his life too. And he did. For 3 years he did his best. I don't know why he went down the path he went down. I'll always have these questions and I'll drive myself crazy with them.
He never let me see that side of him and for that I'm greatful. Everyone keeps telling me he loved me enough to shield me from it. I'll never understand how he could keep me from it but couldn't keep himself away from it.
I'll never forget our trip to Destin.. California, watching the World of Outlaws at Lonestar.. all the trips to the races.. the trips to the river - we never tipped our canoe! The boat trips.. the trips to Arkansas and just the times in the hotel.
We had so many good memories and I hope I can remember them instead of the bad.
I have been sitting here wondering how I always get the short end of the stick. It seems no matter what I do I am the one always left alone and hurt. It came to me today that I know I'm destined for something great in life. There has to be something better than all the hurt I'm feeling right now. I'm more angry than anything and I honestly hope that I can work through this and come out on the other side being a much better, stronger person instead of so bitter.
It's been a week today and I'm still breathing.. I'm barely making it through the day, but I'm not going to give up or give in. I have too much to live for and I have to keep reminding myself that I do have people who love me and I'm going to live my life to the fullest. The Richard that I married would want me to. I remember talking to him one day about what happened if he died... he told me that he wanted to see me happy. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to try and be happy, although I know those days are pretty far away, I hope to get there. I know he saw the best in me and I hope to one day as well. I will always love him, he was the world to me.
I'm just so angry at all these people who thought they knew him. If they were such great friends to Richard and "loved" him then why did they choose to let him go down this path instead of help him? THAT is something I'll never be able to understand. He knew with everything that he had that I didn't allow that around me, and he never brought it around me. He knew how dissapointed I was in him and he understood it. If he had more people in his life helping him instead of hindering him this all could have been avoided. And that is his mother included. I'll never be able to understand a mother who helps her sons addiction. It just blows my mind. She was never a mother, she gave birth to him, but it takes more than that to become a mother. And what is so sad about all of this, is he was trying to get away from her. He had just told me he knew he needed to get away from her and yet he didn't, couldn't.
I'm sorry, I have tried being the bigger person for a week and I just couldn't do it. I'm fed up and my heart is completely broken. The person I took for granted the most, is gone and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Richard Dean..
Where do I even start?
I remember the first day that I saw him.. it was my second semester of my freshman year. There was this gorgeous boy with dark curly hair in this baby blue long sleeved shirt and these ripped jeans. He turned around and smiled at me and I remember saying, "wow". It was 7th period, I think, in English.. he walked in and handed the teacher his slip and I remember pushing a girl out of her chair and telling the teacher there was an empty seat beside me. I had never done anything like that before, and honestly, 8 years later, I still can't believe I did it. I remember him asking for pieces of paper, pens, whatever I had that he could borrow.. and he finally admitted to me after we were married that he did that just to be able to talk to me.
We talked for awhile and he became my best friend. We wrote letters every period and we'd find each other in the hallway just for a hug and swap letters and we'd go to our next class - that is the days he actually showed up. We started dating the day after Easter and once the girls found out, it was on. I had never been in detention before, never been in trouble before, period.. that monday back to school was the day everything changed. I almost got jumped after first period. I remember Richard and Trey intervening and stopping whoever it was from getting near me. It's funny now, because I remember Trey running down the hall screaming my name and jumping in front of me, and Richard was already there. I got two days of ISS, well actually just one, but it was originally two. I still have all of our letters and all of the cards he's ever given me. It's nice because I can look back and see how much he loved me and days like today I really need the reminder.
It's been a week today since he died, and the shock still hasn't worn off. I guess that's why I'm able to sit here and remember him the way he was before we seperated this last time.
In 9th grade I had quit eating.. and I can still remember Richard and Trey sitting there staring at me until I ate. Begging me to eat, I just wasn't hungry and back then I didn't really see it as a problem. I understand it now, but I'm also a lot older. I didn't know until this past week though that Richard would call my mom and let her know what I ate and if I didn't eat.
Everything with him was a first for me. First time I had ever fallen in love, first kiss, first heartbreak.. it wasn't for him, but atleast I can always say that I was the only one he ever committed his life too. And he did. For 3 years he did his best. I don't know why he went down the path he went down. I'll always have these questions and I'll drive myself crazy with them.
He never let me see that side of him and for that I'm greatful. Everyone keeps telling me he loved me enough to shield me from it. I'll never understand how he could keep me from it but couldn't keep himself away from it.
I'll never forget our trip to Destin.. California, watching the World of Outlaws at Lonestar.. all the trips to the races.. the trips to the river - we never tipped our canoe! The boat trips.. the trips to Arkansas and just the times in the hotel.
We had so many good memories and I hope I can remember them instead of the bad.
I have been sitting here wondering how I always get the short end of the stick. It seems no matter what I do I am the one always left alone and hurt. It came to me today that I know I'm destined for something great in life. There has to be something better than all the hurt I'm feeling right now. I'm more angry than anything and I honestly hope that I can work through this and come out on the other side being a much better, stronger person instead of so bitter.
It's been a week today and I'm still breathing.. I'm barely making it through the day, but I'm not going to give up or give in. I have too much to live for and I have to keep reminding myself that I do have people who love me and I'm going to live my life to the fullest. The Richard that I married would want me to. I remember talking to him one day about what happened if he died... he told me that he wanted to see me happy. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to try and be happy, although I know those days are pretty far away, I hope to get there. I know he saw the best in me and I hope to one day as well. I will always love him, he was the world to me.
I'm just so angry at all these people who thought they knew him. If they were such great friends to Richard and "loved" him then why did they choose to let him go down this path instead of help him? THAT is something I'll never be able to understand. He knew with everything that he had that I didn't allow that around me, and he never brought it around me. He knew how dissapointed I was in him and he understood it. If he had more people in his life helping him instead of hindering him this all could have been avoided. And that is his mother included. I'll never be able to understand a mother who helps her sons addiction. It just blows my mind. She was never a mother, she gave birth to him, but it takes more than that to become a mother. And what is so sad about all of this, is he was trying to get away from her. He had just told me he knew he needed to get away from her and yet he didn't, couldn't.
I'm sorry, I have tried being the bigger person for a week and I just couldn't do it. I'm fed up and my heart is completely broken. The person I took for granted the most, is gone and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Day Four..
Somedays are harder than others, some nights are as well. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm so restless. Not sure which direction I want to go. I want a new job, I hate the one I have but there isn't anyone hiring.. I can't wait to start college. I think, right now.. I would love to be anywhere, doing anything different than what I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I hate this feeling. I miss my home. I miss my job, taking care of all my babies.. 7-4,5 and having weekends off. You never truly realize what you have until it's gone. It's one of the harshest realities in life. I know, I have to say atleast one thing that's positive.. I did have a good day. I worked from 10-2, came home and checked the internet out. Then went outside and laid out on the deck with mom for a few hours by the pool. It was too cold to be in the pool though. The dogs lounged around with us then we made some shrimp. It was a good day. I'm just in one of those moods, again.. tonight. =[
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Way to go Tony!
On your first win with your new team! The 2009 All Star race!
THAT is the highlight of my day. Day THREE!
Way to go, Dale Jr on finishing 10th.
THAT is the highlight of my day. Day THREE!
Way to go, Dale Jr on finishing 10th.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Picture time!
See, should have brought her a sprinkler!
I wasn't kidding whenever I said that she jumped in all by herself! She was just a-layin-there, all pretty lookin! =]
Malley..
One I took the other day of Moo Cow and daddy!
Bella!
Hunter!
Camo!
Sweet Babies!
Gonna have to figure out why they're so big and not showing completely.. but that's a task for another day. I'm about to head to bed. Good night!
I wasn't kidding whenever I said that she jumped in all by herself! She was just a-layin-there, all pretty lookin! =]
Malley..
One I took the other day of Moo Cow and daddy!
Bella!
Hunter!
Camo!
Sweet Babies!
Gonna have to figure out why they're so big and not showing completely.. but that's a task for another day. I'm about to head to bed. Good night!
Day Two..
It's Friday, so tomorrow is my Monday. Yuck. I know, I have to think of atleast one thing positive to write here. There's more than one thing today that is positive but I'll start with the thing I'm most proud of. How about that Dale Earnhardt, Jr and 88 team today?! 4th! We didn't short pit, we didn't miss our pit, we didn't mess up during the pit and we are starting 4th tomorrow night! Way to go everyone!
What is that saying? "Can't beat 'em, join 'em." Well, how about this one said by a fellow pitboarder.. "Can't beat 'em, wreck 'em." Of course, its the typical move by Kyle Busch that results in two trucks being torn up, because he's behind them. KUDOS to NASCAR for seeing that and sending him to the tail end of the longest line!
I actually got up today in a good mood, and we went to town. I haven't even wanted to get out of my PJ's over the past couple of days so this was a big step for me. [pat me on the back. or give me a cookie! =].. just kiddin'] I'm in a much better mood, still tonight. We went tanning, and I fried. No lyin'. My legs are as red as Kasey Khane's car.. and my arms are just as red, my freckles are even blending in! YAY! I'm not the color of a ghost anymore, I just look like a tomato! We went to eat, Walmart - I bought Casey and Hunter a pool.. but that was a waste of $10. Should have bought a damn sprinkler. Casey seemed to enjoy biting at the water, more than she did getting into the dang pool. I even got in with her but apparently that wasn't good enough for the dog! Hunter, of course had nothing to do with it. He'll step all in the bucket for the little dogs and make it muddy, but he won't step in a nice clean pool! GO FIGURE!
I even got in the pool with the parentals and had fun! Kami and Malley got in with me and even one point Kami [my 3 lb Chihuahua] jumped into the pool on her own and landed on the floatie! Very scary, but atleast we were out there with her!
Anyways, very proud of Dale Jr and that 88 team, hope it can carry over tomorrow and have a great ALL STAR RACE! WOO!
I work the next two days, which is okay.. I'd enjoy working Saturday and Sundays [can you see me shaking my head no?] but I'll get through it. Sundays are actually easier, I'm in charge and get off at 2! WOO! Then I'm off Monday and Tuesday.. then I work the next 8 days until my next two days off.. Then we should be a little closer to my 10 day VACATION in Destin, Florida! Sitting on the beach, parasailing, fishing.. boogie boarding.. snorkeling and I hope there's a margarita or two thrown in there.
Until next time! =]
Kandice
What is that saying? "Can't beat 'em, join 'em." Well, how about this one said by a fellow pitboarder.. "Can't beat 'em, wreck 'em." Of course, its the typical move by Kyle Busch that results in two trucks being torn up, because he's behind them. KUDOS to NASCAR for seeing that and sending him to the tail end of the longest line!
I actually got up today in a good mood, and we went to town. I haven't even wanted to get out of my PJ's over the past couple of days so this was a big step for me. [pat me on the back. or give me a cookie! =].. just kiddin'] I'm in a much better mood, still tonight. We went tanning, and I fried. No lyin'. My legs are as red as Kasey Khane's car.. and my arms are just as red, my freckles are even blending in! YAY! I'm not the color of a ghost anymore, I just look like a tomato! We went to eat, Walmart - I bought Casey and Hunter a pool.. but that was a waste of $10. Should have bought a damn sprinkler. Casey seemed to enjoy biting at the water, more than she did getting into the dang pool. I even got in with her but apparently that wasn't good enough for the dog! Hunter, of course had nothing to do with it. He'll step all in the bucket for the little dogs and make it muddy, but he won't step in a nice clean pool! GO FIGURE!
I even got in the pool with the parentals and had fun! Kami and Malley got in with me and even one point Kami [my 3 lb Chihuahua] jumped into the pool on her own and landed on the floatie! Very scary, but atleast we were out there with her!
Anyways, very proud of Dale Jr and that 88 team, hope it can carry over tomorrow and have a great ALL STAR RACE! WOO!
I work the next two days, which is okay.. I'd enjoy working Saturday and Sundays [can you see me shaking my head no?] but I'll get through it. Sundays are actually easier, I'm in charge and get off at 2! WOO! Then I'm off Monday and Tuesday.. then I work the next 8 days until my next two days off.. Then we should be a little closer to my 10 day VACATION in Destin, Florida! Sitting on the beach, parasailing, fishing.. boogie boarding.. snorkeling and I hope there's a margarita or two thrown in there.
Until next time! =]
Kandice
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Day One..
I've spent the last two days in bed. I'm starting to feel a little better. Tuesday was a terrible day. I finally gave in and decided to go to the doctor for some help.. any kind of help. I've gotten to where I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Some days are better than others, but that day I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So the past two days that I've been taking my new medication, and I can't believe I actually had to go that far as to getting help.. but the past two days I've done nothing but been asleep. I can't function so I guess this medicine wasn't meant for me. I'm just going to have to force myself to enjoy the day.. to get up and do anything productive. I know my life doesn't suck this bad, and I'm just making it worse. So I'm going to try and find something nice in the day to day crap.
Day one.
I'm thinking... I think that the good thing out of today was that none of us found any snakes.. or they didn't find us.. and my dogs have been so loving.. I don't know what I'd do without them or my family.
Day one.
I'm thinking... I think that the good thing out of today was that none of us found any snakes.. or they didn't find us.. and my dogs have been so loving.. I don't know what I'd do without them or my family.
The Smoke Show..
I'm counting down the days! I can't wait until I get to meet him again.
Myspace Countdowns, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com
Myspace Countdowns, Flowers Countdowns at WishAFriend.com
Thursday, May 7, 2009
What a day..
My thoughts and prayers are with Kevin Grubbs family, friends and fans..I didn't know much about this young man other than he was a race car driver. I remember him and it's so sad to know that this man felt he couldn't get out of the life he was living. I don't know what all happened so I'm not going to speculate anymore. I just feel terrible for his family and all the questions they probably have right now, and knowing more than anything that there will never be any answers to them.
There is nothing more that scares me because a person I have loved for many years is headed right back down this road... well I say that. I'm not exactly sure if he hasn't been back into drugs for awhile now, but I'm just recently finding out about it. So, everyday I go through the motions of trying to make it day to day all the while having it in the back of my head that maybe something is wrong.. I may just end up getting a phone call saying that my husband is dead. It's terrible. I can't imagine actually getting that call. I know I can't be with him, and we will be filing for divorce soon.. but I've been there for him for 8 years and I have always had his back. Even when he was into drugs and all the trouble he got into while into it.. but I have just kicked him to the curb and even though I felt like I knew a part of him - the clean side of him.. I don't know how much he can take, or how much pressure he's feeling, or what his breaking point could be and that terrifies me. As much as I know I can't be with him, I can't be brought down time and time again after building myself back up year after year after year. It gets so monotonous and god it gets frustrating. I can't be his momma forever, right? He has one. A horrible mother, but he has one and I can't become a second one and that's what I've been for him. I've been the one he's leaned against and the one who's kept him in a straight line and sadly, for years I was content in being that person.. but I guess I have figured out that I have a lot more to offer in life than just being his wife.
There's nothing they could have done to prevent this man's death. As sad as it is, it got the better of him and nothing would have been able to deter him from using. My husband used to make the comments that he was clean for me.. and our marriage, but he never said it was for him. In the back of my mind I knew it would never last because of that reason alone. The day he could say, honestly [which nothing but lies ever came out of his mouth so I'm surprised he didn't just lie to me] he had gotten clean for himself and himself only, I could have faith in him and actually could have gotten on with our lives.We would go six months clean, together, happy.. then we would go six months with him using, not together and definitly not happy.. I don't know why it took me eight years to figure this out but I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle.. and apparently he thought I could handle it. Somedays I can and others I just want to say, I can't, just quit and give in. I hate feeling this way.
I get so mad at him and I cuss him for everything he's worth.. I know, isn't that terrible? I have my excuses, but when I go to write them down... It doesn't excuse it.. so the next thing I'm going to do is text him and let him know that I'm sorry for everything mean I have said. Just for peace of mind I guess, if I do lose him I don't want my last words to be cussing him out and saying things I shouldn't have ever said - no matter if he hurt me or not, or provoked me or not..
I've realized that you really shouldn't take life for granted. It's been a sad, sad day.
There is nothing more that scares me because a person I have loved for many years is headed right back down this road... well I say that. I'm not exactly sure if he hasn't been back into drugs for awhile now, but I'm just recently finding out about it. So, everyday I go through the motions of trying to make it day to day all the while having it in the back of my head that maybe something is wrong.. I may just end up getting a phone call saying that my husband is dead. It's terrible. I can't imagine actually getting that call. I know I can't be with him, and we will be filing for divorce soon.. but I've been there for him for 8 years and I have always had his back. Even when he was into drugs and all the trouble he got into while into it.. but I have just kicked him to the curb and even though I felt like I knew a part of him - the clean side of him.. I don't know how much he can take, or how much pressure he's feeling, or what his breaking point could be and that terrifies me. As much as I know I can't be with him, I can't be brought down time and time again after building myself back up year after year after year. It gets so monotonous and god it gets frustrating. I can't be his momma forever, right? He has one. A horrible mother, but he has one and I can't become a second one and that's what I've been for him. I've been the one he's leaned against and the one who's kept him in a straight line and sadly, for years I was content in being that person.. but I guess I have figured out that I have a lot more to offer in life than just being his wife.
There's nothing they could have done to prevent this man's death. As sad as it is, it got the better of him and nothing would have been able to deter him from using. My husband used to make the comments that he was clean for me.. and our marriage, but he never said it was for him. In the back of my mind I knew it would never last because of that reason alone. The day he could say, honestly [which nothing but lies ever came out of his mouth so I'm surprised he didn't just lie to me] he had gotten clean for himself and himself only, I could have faith in him and actually could have gotten on with our lives.We would go six months clean, together, happy.. then we would go six months with him using, not together and definitly not happy.. I don't know why it took me eight years to figure this out but I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle.. and apparently he thought I could handle it. Somedays I can and others I just want to say, I can't, just quit and give in. I hate feeling this way.
I get so mad at him and I cuss him for everything he's worth.. I know, isn't that terrible? I have my excuses, but when I go to write them down... It doesn't excuse it.. so the next thing I'm going to do is text him and let him know that I'm sorry for everything mean I have said. Just for peace of mind I guess, if I do lose him I don't want my last words to be cussing him out and saying things I shouldn't have ever said - no matter if he hurt me or not, or provoked me or not..
I've realized that you really shouldn't take life for granted. It's been a sad, sad day.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Millions of Admirers
I wrote this a few years ago [January 1, 2007] and I still feel the same way. Forever a fan of Dale Jr!
I don't know how you do it,
millions of admirers, well wishers and fans..
So many places to be, so little time
and it's just you, one man.
The thanks we get every week is you...
...that infamous wink,
or that big smile at the end of the interview.
We can't wait for Fridays to get here..
sitting in front of the TV, waiting for them to say your name
hoping we wont miss out..
on everything..or just anything!
Outside of that, when I tell of my passion,
people laugh in my face...
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't hurt my feelings.
I just look at them and tell them to watch one race..
It's not just forty-three drivers going around a track.
It's the passion to win, the will to drive.
The mentality to keep up, and the talent to come from the back.
Driving three wide, inches apart...
risking your life every second
it all has to be apart of you, deep inside your heart.
I have been forever captured as one of your fans
I just wanted to thank you for everything you do.
Just remember every single day..
every time you start 'er up, we're praying for you.
For you to be okay, to have a great day, and be proud of yourself
and all of your accomplishments. You are a great man
with a heart of gold, the passion to win,
millions of admirers, well wishers and fans.
I don't know how you do it,
millions of admirers, well wishers and fans..
So many places to be, so little time
and it's just you, one man.
The thanks we get every week is you...
...that infamous wink,
or that big smile at the end of the interview.
We can't wait for Fridays to get here..
sitting in front of the TV, waiting for them to say your name
hoping we wont miss out..
on everything..or just anything!
Outside of that, when I tell of my passion,
people laugh in my face...
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't hurt my feelings.
I just look at them and tell them to watch one race..
It's not just forty-three drivers going around a track.
It's the passion to win, the will to drive.
The mentality to keep up, and the talent to come from the back.
Driving three wide, inches apart...
risking your life every second
it all has to be apart of you, deep inside your heart.
I have been forever captured as one of your fans
I just wanted to thank you for everything you do.
Just remember every single day..
every time you start 'er up, we're praying for you.
For you to be okay, to have a great day, and be proud of yourself
and all of your accomplishments. You are a great man
with a heart of gold, the passion to win,
millions of admirers, well wishers and fans.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
2009
I haven't blogged in a while and really don't know where to start. Things haven't been going very well this year for the 88 team. I'm not sure what it is, or even how long it'll take before it's fixed but I do know that I'll not stop supporting my driver and his team. If I'm dissapointed in the finishes and know that they can run better, then I can only imagine how Junior feels about this season. It's so frustrating when we know that he is capable of so much, he has the talent and the drive to win. It seems like he takes two steps forward and gets knocked back four more. I know they're trying to figure out whats wrong and I have faith that him, Rick, Tony Jr, and the rest of the personell will get it right and we'll start seeing that smile we saw at Talladega, again.
I've been through a lot over the past few months.. hell, it's been years. Sometimes I feel like things are never going to get better and then I guess I focus so much on racing and Dale Jr just to escape the reality of my own crappy life. I really don't understand how one person can have such an effect on another persons' mood. I don't know why I allow another person to dictate my moods as much as I have. Somedays I don't want to wake up. Other days the only reason I get out of bed is because I know I have to take care of my dogs and cat. If I don't, who will? It takes everything I have just to get to work. I hate my job but know I have to have it until I find a better one. I start college in the fall for photography and that's one thing I am really looking forward to. I've put it off and put it off for awhile because I was putting my wants and needs aside for others. I'm not anymore. I'm going to start doing things for me and me only. No more decisions based upon others, ever. I'm 22 years old and going through a divorce. I know we got married young and the past 8 years I've been more.. naive.. than I think anyone should ever be. It's sad when you realize you've been lied to since you were 15.. but shit happens I guess. I've grown up a lot over the past year, I just recently realized how much I had when he came back to me and our 'family' and I decided to let him go. I had to, I can't do another 8 years like the past 8 years have been. I don't have enough strength.
I know without my parents, the few friends I can trust, my dogs, cat and racing - I'd be completely lost. Life is a lot different lately and somedays I can't even function. Hopefully it won't be like this for too much longer and I can get on with my life.
I do have some neat things to look forward to though! In June I'm heading to Florida for a week of laying on the beach with my family, aunt, uncle and cousins! I can't wait. Then, August 4th - I'm headed to the Texas Motor Speedway for The Smoke Show! I won a $6,000 package at Fandango to go and meet Tony Stewart for his annual show! I get to do two ten lap sessions in a car and listening to Tony, I get three laps riding with him. We are going to be able to do Victory Lane, climb the fence, drivers intros and some other cool things. We also get breakfast, lunch and dinner with him as well. Oh! And I get a personalized fire suit. =] Very excited for it.
I hope to blog more often and I'll definitly let you all know how the smoke show goes. =]
I've been through a lot over the past few months.. hell, it's been years. Sometimes I feel like things are never going to get better and then I guess I focus so much on racing and Dale Jr just to escape the reality of my own crappy life. I really don't understand how one person can have such an effect on another persons' mood. I don't know why I allow another person to dictate my moods as much as I have. Somedays I don't want to wake up. Other days the only reason I get out of bed is because I know I have to take care of my dogs and cat. If I don't, who will? It takes everything I have just to get to work. I hate my job but know I have to have it until I find a better one. I start college in the fall for photography and that's one thing I am really looking forward to. I've put it off and put it off for awhile because I was putting my wants and needs aside for others. I'm not anymore. I'm going to start doing things for me and me only. No more decisions based upon others, ever. I'm 22 years old and going through a divorce. I know we got married young and the past 8 years I've been more.. naive.. than I think anyone should ever be. It's sad when you realize you've been lied to since you were 15.. but shit happens I guess. I've grown up a lot over the past year, I just recently realized how much I had when he came back to me and our 'family' and I decided to let him go. I had to, I can't do another 8 years like the past 8 years have been. I don't have enough strength.
I know without my parents, the few friends I can trust, my dogs, cat and racing - I'd be completely lost. Life is a lot different lately and somedays I can't even function. Hopefully it won't be like this for too much longer and I can get on with my life.
I do have some neat things to look forward to though! In June I'm heading to Florida for a week of laying on the beach with my family, aunt, uncle and cousins! I can't wait. Then, August 4th - I'm headed to the Texas Motor Speedway for The Smoke Show! I won a $6,000 package at Fandango to go and meet Tony Stewart for his annual show! I get to do two ten lap sessions in a car and listening to Tony, I get three laps riding with him. We are going to be able to do Victory Lane, climb the fence, drivers intros and some other cool things. We also get breakfast, lunch and dinner with him as well. Oh! And I get a personalized fire suit. =] Very excited for it.
I hope to blog more often and I'll definitly let you all know how the smoke show goes. =]
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